Cloudy on the Inside

photo by illustriousbean
Lately I have been feeling a little bummed out for really no apparent reason at all. I had a rough work day with excruciatingly long meetings and I know that the rest of the work week will require some extensive overtime. So I guess thats a reason. I got home and started cleaning my house but lost interest and energy after a little while. Now I feel really grumpy and can't really explain it.

Maybe its the last days of summer flying past me with the heat thats causing me to feel so lazy and sad. Maybe its just a bad rut. But I can't really focus enough to write a really decent post so I just decided to write how I feel.

I am starting to not like going to my church for the simple fact that everyone has children except me. So I sit there and all I can think about is how many people have babies and little children and why can't it be so easy for me? It makes me feel defected in a way. But I know I just need to put my trust in God and he will support me in my trials. He knows better than I do when I should go that route. Plus the other benefits I get by going to church always outweigh the comparing thoughts. I can never escape comparing myself. Thats not to say I only want kids cause everyone else does- because I have already gone a lot longer than most couples that live near me without kids and for a long time I was proud of that fact. But now I see a baby and its more of how I want one.

Also I acted like a huge know it all and started a little family drama that is too draining to even get into. So I have a sister that won't return my calls and she is getting married in a month and I don't know if she even wants me to come.

So life isn't super fun right now so maybe the grumpiness isn't without reason.. And thats ok. It can't always be great. If the clouds never came than I would never appreciate the sun.


In other news, I've been asked to be a guest blogger on another anxiety blog. If there is any suggestions on what you want to read about, let me know. Its not as comfortable trying to post on someone else's blog as opposed to my own. Maybe there is such a thing as social anxiety via blogging?

P.S. I added a song "Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap to the playlist, its one of my all time favorites that I was finally able to find.


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Vitamin B and C for Anxiety

photo by sadalit

A new commenter to the blog recently asked some questions on Vitamin B. I thought rather than have a novel reply I would do a post on it so everyone can benefit. I have to say I am not a doctor so please don’t sue me for anything that I say and you do and it doesn’t work ;) Ok so what I am going to tell you is all from the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. I will paraphrase it but he says it much more elegantly:

Vitamin B

When your body is going through stress it depletes stores of B and C vitamins rapidly. The B vitamins are necessary to help maintain the proper functioning of the nervous system. Deficiencies in Vitamin B can lead to anxiety, irritability, restlessness, fatigue, etc. There is more than one kind of Vitamin B. (B₂, B₆, B₅, B₁₂, etc.) It is best to take all eleven of the B vitamins together in a B-complex supplement since they tend to work together synergistically.

Vitamin C

Vitamin C enhances the immune system and promotes health from infection, disease, and injury as well as helps the adrenal glands. Your adrenal glands (when properly functioning) help you cope with stress. (Vitamin B₅ also helps with the adrenal glands and many people find that taking it is helpful in dealing with excess stress)

So what and how much to take?

If interested here is what the Ph D says:

• B-Complex: 50 to 100 mg of all eleven B vitamins once a day (twice a day under high stress)

• Vitamin C: 1000 mg in a time release form, twice a day (double this dose under high stress)

Make sure you take them with meals so they can be broken down properly otherwise its useless.

You cannot overdose on B Vitamins as they are water soluble. The one exception to this is Vitamin B₆. DO NOT exceed 100 mg per day if you are taking it on a long term basis. Repeated daily doses in excess of 8000 mg per day of Vitamin C have been associated with stomach complaints and kidney stones.

Hope that answers your question. If you have any more questions on this subject let me know :)

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Focusing on the Negative Only Makes Things More Ugly

photo taken by me with a macro filter on a Cannon Rebel XT.

**You have to click on this picture to enlarge it to see the details of this fly. Its kinda gross.**

I am going to go off of some thoughts I had taken from SA D’s blog post about Modifying your Perception. I won’t quote any of it but it is a really good, helpful post in my opinion.

There is a quote that hangs in a coworker’s cubicle of mine:

“Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you but on what happens inside of you.”

One person can be stuck in a traffic jam and think to themselves, “I can finally listen to this CD that I never have time to” and they are enjoying the situation the best they can. Meanwhile the person in the back of the car can only think of how horrible a situation they are in and curse and moan about how life stinks and now your going to be late and what kinda moron would get in an accident here and cause all this traffic etc. etc. They are fully upset and angry. Happiness is not dependent on our environment, instead its our attitude and perception that have a huge impact.

Who owns a magnified mirror? The kind that shows you all your pores? WHY ON EARTH would anyone do that to themselves? They should call those mirrors what they really are- “Self Esteem Demolishers.” I don’t need to focus in on every little minor flaw that I have because that will only make me feel depressed and ugly.

So why do the same thing with our souls and personalities? Why nit pick apart every little thing we may or may not do right in a social situation when all it will do is cause anxiety and nervousness and make us feel bad about ourselves? I say throw the mirror away and get a new perspective.

Overly Sensitive of Society's Ignorance but Feeling Justified

So yesterday my old boss instant messaged me out of the blue. She was always like a mother to me and I really loved working with her. However here is how the conversation started:

MA says:

Hey, send me your blog site again so that I can see your Hawaiian pictures. I didn't get to look at them before.

Aimée says:

http://newsfromthewhitehome.blogspot.com/

Aimée says:

I don't put very much on there unfortunately so it hasn't been updated in awhile

Aimée says:

how are you?

MA says:

I am good. I went to the site and your pictures are great. You look way too thin. Are you losing weight? Your trip looks wonderful.

one of the photos she would have been referring to me looking "way too thin"

Now after I read that last line I felt like she had just punched me in the face. For me that statement would come across EXACTLY the same way as if she had said it the opposite way, “You look way too fat. Are you gaining weight?” Had anyone said that to most people in America you would have been floored and very offended. That’s how I feel. Although I know she didn’t mean it maliciously and she is just generally concerned, it just goes back to the fact that telling some one they are too skinny, too fat, too ugly, too tall, too short, too anything = YOU ARE NOT NORMAL AND THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. I wish our society understood that more. I am learning not to take offense in their ignorance but I did seriously think about replying with some nasty comments. Instead I decided my weight was none of her business and instead of trying to make excuses for the way I am or try to justify myself to her I would simply say,

“Aimée says: I'm fine thanks. The trip was awesome. Have you ever been?”

I figure that was a nice way of saying “thank you for your concern although it is unwanted and you no longer need to feel the need to ask me such personal questions again.” It reminds me of some older posts Absolutely Unapologetically Thin and Every Journey has a Beginning which both touch on this topic.

Am I the only one that is sensitive to this issue? I feel that I am justified in being sensitive because I hear it ALL the time ALL my life and so I constantly am being told that I am not good enough just the way I am. That’s why this has been such a hard challenge to gain confidence in myself just the way that I am.

If anything I am learning to not let those comments wound me so deeply and to just push it aside. I also didn't try to make excuses for why I am the way I am. At least that’s some improvement, a step toward sticking up for myself as I am.

Taking Notice

photo by augfw
After my long weekend off I was worried that I would have lost some readers and would have had a hard time picking it back up. However when I checked my email I saw some amazing developments. What a surprise! I received an email telling me,

"...we have selected The Reality of Anxiety as one of our Top Site Award recipients! We are honoring the top Anxiety blogs and sites on the Web, as picked by our experts. Your blog delves into the issues surrounding social anxiety with candor and compassion. We applaud your efforts to keep the Anxiety community informed and involved."

How awesome is that! I am so excited about it. You can go to their Top Sites Award Page to see the other blogs that won the award. Many of them I link to and some I do not but have looked at before. All are great sites in my opinion for more information on anxiety. So I have posted the award on the side of the blog but here it is for you all to see in all its glory... (drum roll...)

Tah Dah! (trumpets play, confetti thrown, red carpet rolled out)

Also my traffic has gone up tremendously and its not because of Brinn in Beaumont ;) Its because another web page has linked to one of my previous posts about my Top 10 Resources that I use to help me with my anxiety. You can see it at Psych Central under August 5th's post entry if you are curious. Other websites are also posting this article such as iVillage.

Its so nice to see people taking notice of my goals and hopes for this blog- a place where people can find information to help them with their struggle with anxiety and a place to find some support. I really appreciate all the support and can't wait to see what happens next.


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Personal Bill of Rights

photo of one of my dogs on the way to the mountains on Friday

I am so sorry that it has been so long since I've posted. I took the weekend off for a little get away for my anniversary but I am back now. I had a really great time and I got a new Rebel XT Digital camera so hopefully I can put more of my own pictures on here in the future.

I also had a bridal shower on Saturday and when I showed up I noticed tables set up in another room with place settings, and the smells coming from the kitchen told me there was a full on meal being prepared. Usually at showers there is a light amount of food, fruit, desserts, maybe a croissant sandwich, but this smelled heavy. Sure enough it was a two course meal and I got nervous. I took a spot that was in the corner but surprisingly the table I chose filled up with people while others stayed more empty. I cursed myself for picking the spot. I was hoping to be more secluded so I wouldn't feel like I was being watched. So I took a little clonozepam. The first course was a soup served in wine glasses with a shrimp garnish. (the grandmother making the food used to own a restaurant). I tried it and although it wasn't gross, it wasn't my favorite. So I took my time and watched everyone else. Some ate all of theirs, others hardly ate any which comforted me to feel like I didn't have to eat it all if I didn't want to. So I didn't. he next course was served buffet style and it was a mexican dish with tortillas, rice, veggies and grilled chicken. It was really yummy and I was able to take an amount I was comfortable with. I LOVE buffets for that very reason. So I made it through and the dessert was a yummy sorbet. I was proud that I made it through something I didn't prepare for at all.

So thank you for the thoughts my way and support.

Here is an interesting concept found in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook:

Its called your "Personal Bill of Rights". This concept is drawn on the idea that we all have rights as human beings and sometimes we either forget or we don't realize that we have them because we weren't taught them as children growing up. If we can not only realize these rights but also learn to exercise them than we can build a more assertive attitude which means we respect ourselves enough to be conscious of our basic human rights. Here is the list:

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own standards and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm scared."
14. I have the right to say "I don't know."
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
    
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.
    

He says that if you read through this list everyday carefully, eventually you will learn to accept that you are entitled to each of the rights enumerated.

Personally, my favorites are 19, 15, and 21. Which ones are your favorites and why?


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When Do the Walls Come Down?

photo by Mangeshonline

First off, I apologize for not posting yesterday about goals like I originally planned. I was without a computer for most of the night and I can't find my book that discusses what I wanted to talk about. So in the meantime I will list the book in case anyone is interested in it, and hopefully I will find it soon and post on the topic. The book/manual is called "Getting An Edge- Student Edition" and has a lot of really good stuff on making short and long term goals. So I will try to find it.

In the meantime, I have my friend Rachel coming over tonight. We are going to make some magnet boards to give to our other friend Lindsey for her bridal shower. I am nervous about tonight in the fact that I worry we will run out of things to talk about and there could be some awkward silence.

I forget what its like to not have to work at a friendship. I remember having best friends in high school or growing up where I felt completely comfortable around them. My walls were down and I was outgoing. We had sleepovers where we would tell our secrets and ogle over boys we liked, talk about things we had in common like school, and jam to music in the car- singing our hearts out.

Now I feel like its all about keeping the other person entertained. Do they have enough to eat or drink? Are they having fun? What should we talk about now? Do I look okay? Am I acting appropriately? All these worries swirl through my head and sure I still have fun but its limited somehow. I don't feel like we are truly friends yet because its still a performance. Its like the dating scene all over again! I can't let my guard down, the walls are up and firmly in place.

So I hope that things go well tonight. Maybe someday we will reach that kind of friendship that I remember, or maybe I am just being naive.

How are all of you doing?

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