Endure it Well

Yesterday morning I awoke with the familiar butterflies in my stomach and the anxiety levels rising. I could feel it getting worse even though I was trying to breathe deeply. I started to get really frustrated. I was tired of feeling sick. I was feeling guilty and annoyed that I was still feeling anxious. I started to worry that things wouldn't get better.

But if I think about it, I have been rushing this whole process. I keep expecting to feel better and then when I don't I am immediately put into a bad mood.

So my mantra yesterday was "You don't have to be all better today."

I really think this lesson is learning to love myself WITH my anxiety. I don't have to be all better in order to be worthy of love and respect from myself.

So last night I was reading in the Bible and came across a story that was an answer to my prayers.

It is about a father that brings his son who has a demon inside him to Jesus to be healed.

Mark 9: 22-24 (bold and italics added)

22 And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have ^acompassion on us, and help us.

 23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are ^apossible to him that ^bbelieveth.

 24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine ^aunbelief.

This story was another reminder to me that I need to have faith that things will get better. And that I need to pray for help with my doubts and frustration. 

So my goal is to try to stay positive and patient even though things are really crappy. I don't want to fall into the victim trap where I revel in the sympathy that others may give me when they hear of my situation. I want to be strong even when I feel so weak. I don't just want to endure this, I want to "endure it well".

D&C 121:8-

"8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

So this morning I woke up with panic. Not worst case panic but pretty severe. I had burning in my arms and breathing wasn't helping. So I told myself its ok if still need to take Clonazepam to help me through the day. So I took one and although it made me tired for awhile, I am now feeling much better. 

I'll get to where I want to be someday, but it doesn't have to be today. I just have to remember that.

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Having the Faith to Endure the Hard Times

Faith- [feyth] -strong or unshakeable belief in something, esp without proof or evidence.

I do a lot of thinking when I am in the shower. Its the only place where I can really be alone and let any emotion out that I want without worrying about my kids seeing me so upset. So the other day I was taking a shower and I just sat and cried. I did a lot of praying in that shower. I found myself pleading to Heavenly Father to take away my anxiety and I suddenly heard in my mind,

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”


My thoughts turned toward my Savior and how he cried those words which were my same thoughts to his Father in Heaven when he was suffering in Gethsemane. If anyone understood how I was feeling at that moment it was Him. He was certainly in much more pain and fear than I was in and he was all alone.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie was a member of The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He knew he was to die shortly, and this talk was his last testimony. He said the following:

"We do not know, we cannot tell, no mortal mind can conceive the full import of what Christ did in Gethsemane. We know he sweat great gouts of blood from every pore as he drained the dregs of that bitter cup his Father had given him. We know he suffered, both body and spirit, more than it is possible for man to suffer, except it be unto death. We know that in some way, incomprehensible to us, his suffering satisfied the demands of justice, ransomed penitent souls from the pains and penalties of sin, and made mercy available to those who believe in his holy name. We know that he lay prostrate upon the ground as the pains and agonies of an infinite burden caused him to tremble and would that he might not drink the bitter cup. We know that an angel came from the courts of glory to strengthen him in his ordeal. As near as we can judge, these infinite agonies—this suffering beyond compare—continued for some three or four hours."

But He suffered for a purpose and so am I. I do not mean to compare myself to Him by any means. I do hope to someday be like Him. And in doing so I want to learn from His example. There are still lessons that I need to learn and to share. I felt very strongly that I need to endure this pain and have faith that things will get better. It may not be today or tomorrow, things may be rough for a little while, but if I continue to work and not give into the despair than things will get better.

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Feeding Our Hungry Souls

Today has been one of those days. I'm big and tired and I feel a little lost. I clean the house to have it dirtied just as fast and I wonder why I bother. I'm a little sad, but really for no reason. Today is one of those days where my soul is hungry. Give me purpose!

I came across this video of a local woman who is also a blogger. I've heard her story before and to see this really touched me. She and her husband survived a plane crash and this is a little bit about their life now. She was even on Oprah at one time. No matter what your religion or personal beliefs, there are really great lessons about life and family in this woman's story.




Just what my heart needed today. I really feel it is important to feed our souls daily with inspiration, motivation, or some form of meditation. Something to help us reflect on the big picture and realign ourselves with the present instead of always living in fear of the future. I'm not always good at doing this everyday, but when I don't, I feel my anxiety swallowing me whole.

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Just What I Needed to Hear Today

Why Does Heavenly Father Love Us?

"Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you.
God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely.
He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.
What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Ensign, Nov 2009, 21–24

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Keeping the Focus on Others

I have been trying to write out a long post about my service efforts for this month, but I can't help but not like the way it comes out. It's like the scripture in the Bible about saying your prayers in your closet, as opposed to the street corner where everyone can see you. If you say them in private you do it because its between you and Heavenly Father. If you brag about it, saying them loudly where everyone can hear how righteous you are, than you are doing it for everyone else's approval and that is your reward.

Matthew 6: 5-6
 5 ¶ And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the ^ahypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

  6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy ^acloset, and when thou hast ^bshut thy door, ^cpray to thy Father which is in ^dsecret; and thy Father which ^eseeth in secret shall ^freward thee openly.

The idea of doing service this month is to take the focus off of yourself and think about others. Therefore, I don't want to sit and list the things I have been doing to get kudos or nice comments, because then it all goes back on me and my focus is lost.


So I will just say this. I am holding my end up on the monthly challenge by being more thoughtful for those around me and by helping a friend in need. Its been harder than I thought it would be, but I guess that's how all good behaviors are.


I hope you are finding the joy that comes with serving others. If you would like to share whether you participated in this month's challenge I would love to know, even if its just to say you did it.

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"Why do you look for the living among the dead?"

The following post comes from my friend Bill from Hope and Healing Dynamics. Being on his own journey, seeking peace of mind, he has much to offer and I so love what he has to say. You can see he has a button on the right sidebar  (Freedom! From Panic and Anxiety) that will take you directly to his site if you come back later and can't find this post. Thanks so much Bill for sharing your "ah hah!" moment with us.

In the midst of desperation, have you ever exclaimed either of these to yourself or someone else?

“I just want to be the way I used to be!”

“I want to be my old self again!”

I know I sure have. And they’re probably the most common verbal expressions of pain and frustration I hear from anxiety and mood disordered clients. Actually, the whole concept makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? I mean, who wouldn’t want to return to a time of identity and comfort when all is unhinged, barren, and cold. Well, some six years ago something occurred quite unexpectedly that awakened me from futile dreams of the past.   

I had been in the throws of anxiety, depression, and desperation subsequent to some very distressing family situations six months prior. And instead of working toward a valid peace grounded in the present, I became obsessed with rekindling an internal fire that had been fueled by wishes and myths. Yes, I was grasping at what I believed to be the most accessible measure of familiarity and stability. And it made perfect sense to adopt the watchword, “I just want to be the way I used to be.” But, out of nowhere, something occurred that would forever change my perspective.

Okay, so there I was, one taut mass of mind and flesh pacing around my apartment on a steamy summer afternoon. And in the midst of all the agitation a quotation from, of all things, the Bible pervaded my being. Now, I was raised in a Christian home; however, I was not a Christian at the time, nor am I now. Nonetheless, a scene from The Book of Luke, Chapter 24 became a part of me. You may know the story. It seems Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and a woman named Joanna went to Jesus’ tomb with spices for his body. Well, when they got there the stone at the entrance to the tomb had been rolled away and the body was gone. Needless to say, they were puzzled and frightened. And as they pondered what they’d seen, two men appeared to them, posing this amazing question…

“Why do you look for the living among the dead?”

Bam! The power of the query struck me like a bolt of lightening right between the eyes. And I immediately turned inward, asking, “Bill, just why are you looking for the living among the dead?” The truth of the matter was, what I’d been looking for no longer existed; and hadn’t for decades, if ever. So, with the introduction of that huge dose of reality, why would I choose to waste my time desperately pleading for history? Wow, the inquiry was that powerful!

If you can relate to any portion of my quest for comfort, I’m going to suggest that you ask yourself what I now call “the question of the angels” the next time you’re in the abyss of struggle and desperation. I mean, don’t you think it has the power to trump our natural inclination to rummage through a million yesterdays in the quest for relief in the immediate? Now, don’t misunderstand; the past is significant, forming so much of who we are today. However, it’s only relevant within the context of how we became who we are, a reference for decision-making, and the sweetness of reminiscence. Yes, there’s just no way we’ll ever live and grow, today, if we’re planted in depleted soil.

Does any of this make sense to you? Well, don’t short-circuit your mind just now, trying to make perfect sense of it. Just swirl it around for the next day or so and see what comes together. However, in the end, I believe adopting this personal philosophy will open so many doors for you.

Please, ask yourself…

“Why am I looking for the living among the dead?”

Don't forget to sign up for the giveaway!

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Truth Heals, What you hide can hurt you

I was sent a book to read by someone who thought it could help me in my struggles with anxiety. Its called "Truth Heals" by Deborah King. Its all about her journey of recovering from abuse as a child. Her belief is that by hiding truths we are physically hurting our bodies. She developed alcoholism, sexual promiscuity, and eventually was diagnosed with cancer by the age of 25. She got into the practice of healing and the book describes the 7 chakras of the body and how you can hurt yourself with disease by not keeping the energy flowing through these areas.

I go back and forth about how much I believe in her notion of actual physical harm being done to yourself due to repressing feelings. I do think that stress can do damage, and I often wonder about the long term effects that my body will have due to all the stress from my anxiety. And I do believe that my anxiety itself is a direct result of repressed feelings when I was younger. But do you will diseases like cancer upon yourself? It's interesting to think about.

I do believe that damage is done to your soul by withholding the truth. Your soul can be broken and lost and by coming forward and facing the facts and working through traumas we can eventually heal our souls.

I can relate with this author in the fact that I grew up with some things kept secret deep inside. And overtime they took their tole on me. My soul was heavy. In my early 20's every once in awhile I would burst out sobbing and become very sad that I had these things in my life. It wasn't until I faced them head on and brought all the truth to the surface that I started to feel better about all of it. My soul found peace.

Whatever you believe, the book offers a lot of great insight and advice and its a good, quick read.
One of my favorite parts is where she talks about how journaling is a great way to get the truth out. She says to get a journal (or laptop) and write.

"Be completely truthful in your journal. Say it like it is. If you're angry, be angry. Write it out uncensored. Be who you are. ... The point is to be authentic. When you can trust yourself and be truthful on the pages of your journal, you can trust yourself to be truthful in the world. Just watch how your whole body relaxes as you express your truth. You've given yourself permission to be you- to speak your mind, to give voice to the truth of who you are. If not now, when?"

Journaling is so therapeutic. As I have said before, thats what this blog is all about. Its my journal, my therapeutic outlet. And when things were really bad, this was the only thing holding me together.

And I really like this part:

"Trust Life, Trust God
In this moment, do you trust life? Do you trust that you are loved, protected, and supported? Do you trust that everything is working out for your higher good? If you don't, ask for more trust. Speak it: "Show me how to trust more!" Then watch for signs that your life (and God) is listening."

With anxiety, you are always worrying about the worst happening. We are so fearful. And fear does not come from God. If we can have more trust that our Heavenly Father will protect us, maybe that would help our anxiety. I've thought this before but never really knew how to have more trust. And here she says it so simply, just ask him for it.

Overall, I think its worth taking a look at. I still think that the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne (you can see it on my sidebar) is the best life changing book for dealing directy with anxiety and how to work on managing it, but this book is a nice side read with a different perspective on the topic. If interested you can find it on my sidebar as well.

Enjoy!

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Need a Little Faith and Motivation?

This time around on the anxiety rollercoaster, I feel that my spirits are down for the count. I don't feel that determination to fight the battle, but more like I am just chuggin along trying my best to deal with it all. I think this is due to the fact that my hormones are about as far out of whack as they can get these days. Whats happening is in the morning hours when the anxiety is the worst, some pretty scary thoughts enter my head that I can't ignore. Things like, "What if I can't get better and they take me away for losing my mind and I lose my family". Then as morning turns to midday and afternoon and I slowly become myself again, I realize the nonsense of those fears and how I will overcome this again, it will just take some time. But those early morning hours can be scary. I am not myself and my mind is on overdrive.

So I perused the blog under the Motivation label and found a few things that I wrote about a long time ago that were really helpful to hear again today.

First off, a really great quote:

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

--Brian Tracy

And then something from a previous post from almost two years ago that was exactly what I needed to hear today,

"Last night I was reading from The Book of Mormon and I read this: “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren… and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.” –Alma 26: 27

It struck me how important that direction was for me in my life. Sometimes it can be so frustrating and exhausting to constantly be worrying or thinking about anxiety and I just want to give up and say, “Well I tried. I guess this is my lot in life and I should just accept my fate.” Or I struggle with “When”. “When will I get over this? When will I not be afraid? When can I be considered cured?” But if there is any lesson to be learned in all of this it is patience. And if I can be patient with my struggles and hurdles, eventually Heavenly Father will give me the success that I so desperately want in my life. He knows better than I do my needs and He will see that I learn whatever it is I need to learn along the way."

So today was a reminder that I don't have to be all better today or tomorrow. I don't have to put that pressure on myself. It was a reminder that the pity parties don't do any good and I need to stop acting like a victim and change my attitude about how I am going to battle this. I need to be patient with the side effects and not let them get the better of me.

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Why Me?

photo by Michelle Gibson

A lot of us tend to fall into the victim like thinking of "Why me? Why do I have to struggle with this when others don't? I think I'm a good person, so why do bad things happen to good people?"

This line of questioning is closely related to spiritual discussions such as "How could God let this happen?" I don't know if you are religious or not, but I am, and that in turn drives my thought process. I can't separate my religious beliefs and my thoughts on anxiety as both deeply are a part of me. So if you get offended about topics that are religious in nature you might want to stop reading now, although I encourage you to continue because I think I have found some interesting stuff.

So- back to the "Why do bad things happen to good people?" question. I found a really cool quote that explains it much better than I could:

"Now, we find many people critical when a righteous person is killed, a young father or mother is taken from their family, or when violent deaths occur. [my own insert... or when we struggle with daily pain and suffering of anxiety, panic, and or depression.] Some become bitter when oft-repeated prayers seem unanswered. Some lose faith and turn sour when solemn administrations by holy men seem to be ignored and no restoration comes from repeated prayer circles. But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended.
If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil- all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, no Satanic controls. Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, or disappointment, or even death; and if these were not, there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood."

-Spencer W. Kimball

It makes sense doesn't it? There has to be opposition in all things. How can we know and understand joy if we never feel pain? How can we appreciate the good days without the bad? How can we enjoy life if there were no death?

My Top 10 Anxiety Tools and Resources

photo by fotovizions

I thought I would discuss what I use as my favorite tools and resources for learning about and dealing with my anxiety/ phobias. All of these are listed on the right hand side of the blog that I leave up normally so you can refer back to any of them anytime. Its a long post I know but its I believe its very valueable for those trying to figure things out.

1. Reading Material- The biggest help that I have gotten (seriously it has changed my whole perspective on everything) has been from the book The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook Fourth Edition by Edmund J. Bourne. I am not one that buys books very often and I came across the Third Edition of this Series in my public library. It was so amazing I kept it until I wasn’t allowed to renew it any longer. I returned it sadly and then decided I had to have my own copy as a resource that I could use whenever needed. The guidance in this book is amazing. It touches on everything that I can think of on how to manage and get rid of your anxiety and phobias. I haven’t gotten to the getting rid of part because I am still getting used to managing my anxiety first. I highly recommend trying to find this book if you are looking for something to help you, especially if you can’t afford to see a specialist or a therapist. Before this book I was hopeless and it gave me the motivation to take control of my life again. Main things that helped me in this book was learning about Self Talk, Positive Affirmations and Mistaken Beliefs.
2. Medication- I take a daily dose of 50mg of Zoloft. At first I was really skeptical about taking the medication because I didn’t want to be reliant on it. I fell into the stigma that most people have about mental health medicine- that you should be able to control your own thoughts. I have since learned that some brains are simply hard wired different and need the medication to work properly. If you are diabetic, you take insulin and no one questions it, its what you need. So I take that daily and have been doing much better since I have been consistent with it. I also take Clonozapam when I need it as an additional way to calm my nerves and that helps tremendously.
3. Spiritual Belief System- I have a firm faith in my beliefs that we are put on this earth to be tried and tested. I know that we are only given adversities that Heavenly Father knows we can handle even though it might seem so overwhelming to us. I know that he helps me along the way as I continue to ask for it and pray for it. I encourage everyone to figure out their own spiritual belief system as it gives a firm foundation for when things get rocky. One of my favorite quotes says, "Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come ad dwell with thee and fully share Thy joy!'" -Neal A. Maxwell.
4. Yoga and regular exercise- I am not as consistent as this as I would like to be, but anytime I finish a workout or a yoga session I feel better immediately. I have found yoga to be more of a help especially. An interesting article I found says, “Yoga's postures, controlled breathing and meditation may work together to help ease brains plagued by anxiety or depression, a new study shows.” I don’t need the study to tell me that, I have experienced it first hand. I used to Tivo a daily yoga show as corny as it was to do at home but when the show no longer played I had to find another method. I like to work out at home, its too hard for me to keep up with going to the gym and I never end up going. So I am borrowing an XBOX that hardly gets used and I bought a $9 dollar game at a used game store. This game is awesome. It’s a Personal Trainer that does yoga and exercising with lots of other cool features.
5. Therapist- It was a blow to my ego but when things got really bad I had to face the music that I was in over my head. I went and saw a therapist who was able to help me point out my negative thoughts when I didn’t realize I was thinking that way.
6. Journaling- Journaling is a great way to figure out your thoughts and feelings and mentally unwind. That’s why I started this blog. Its my journal and has been extremely therapeutic for me.
7. Vitamin B Supplement- This is a daily pill that helps manage the nervous system that is an additional more herbal remedy as opposed to Clonozapam.
8. Family and Friends- Having a support person is important. Someone that knows whats going on so that if you have to leave suddenly or have symptoms coming on, they are there to help you and be there for you. Sometimes having that support person with you in a trigger situation can be enough to help you stay calm. Plus as I have mentioned before, than your secret is out and you don’t have to try so hard to meet everyone’s expectations and you can focus on other things. I only tell my closest family and friends about it, plus all of you of course, but I try not to tell people that I feel aren’t on a need to know basis.
9. Expressing Yourself Creatively- I find it important to express myself in relaxing ways that help me define who I am. I do this with gardening, playing the piano, scrapbooking, blogging, and photography. All of these hobbies give me a sense of accomplishment and let me know that I am worthwhile as a person. They give me strength to want to better myself in all areas of my life.
10. Down Time- Its vitally important to give your mind some rest. This includes getting a full night’s sleep, time management, and making room in your schedule for relax time. Time where you do nothing but meditate or veg out, anything that’s relaxing. Taking a bath, watch tv, just exist.

Some of these may work better than others for you and your situation. Whats important is finding out what it is that works best for you. I'd love to hear if anyone else has other tools or resources or ideas that help them.

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Lessons Learned: Patience and Determination

photo by cahrleskames

The last few days I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to write. Last night I was trying to think of what I should blog about and couldn’t think of any “Ah ha!” moments that I have had recently or any major struggles that I haven’t already blogged about. Sure I have had a few instances where I was anxious but they never elevated to anything past a 2. So I started to think about how nice it is to have these few days of solitude, where even though work is getting busier and more stressful, my mind and body are cooperating with me. So I am counting my blessings for the time being.

Last night I was reading from The Book of Mormon and I read this: “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren… and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.” –Alma 26: 27

It struck me how important that direction was for me in my life. Sometimes it can be so frustrating and exhausting to constantly be worrying or thinking about anxiety and I just want to give up and say, “Well I tried. I guess this is my lot in life and I should just accept my fate.” Or I struggle with “When”. “When will I get over this? When will I not be afraid? When can I be considered cured?” But if there is any lesson to be learned in all of this it is patience. And if I can be patient with my struggles and hurdles, eventually Heavenly Father will give me the success that I so desperately want in my life. He knows better than I do my needs and He will see that I learn whatever it is I need to learn along the way.

Because I am in a good state of mind lately it’s easy to say to myself "Just be patient." I’m sure if this was a bad day I wouldn’t appreciate the response to my When questions very much. So I am thankful for the timing of this lesson and I hope that when things aren’t so easy that I can recall this blog and maybe it will give me some strength to keep fighting, keep learning, and keep trying. Never Give Up.

Humbling Adversity But Not Alone

photo by herby_fr
This morning when I woke up it was the same as other mornings where my stomach was already twisted in anxiety. I was annoyed with my body- it’s like it wouldn’t even give the day a chance it just has to start out with the attitude of failure. So I laid in bed and I did some deep breathing exercises telling myself positive affirmations to try to calm my stomach. I felt good enough to get in the shower. Somehow the positive statements I was telling myself really put me in a good mood because after my shower I felt great. I felt like I could take on the world. Then as quick as I felt it come I could feel it leave me as I started to realize my stomach was growling. I told myself that was a good thing. But my worry wasn’t that I was hungry but more of that I would have to eat breakfast and that seems to be hard for me these days. I was overgeneralizing. That means that because I’ve had one bad experience in a particular situation I assume that bad experience will always repeat itself in similar situations. I struggle with overgeneralizing a lot, and I have a hard time rationalizing myself to think otherwise. Something to work on. So I said a prayer in my closet that I could feel the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost and feel my Heavenly Father’s love for me. Then I made myself some chocolate weight gainer so that if I was having issues with breakfast I could maybe drink some calories. It’s easier for me to drink than to eat sometimes.

So on my drive to work I started to think about the Jesus. Sometimes when I am struggling with something I like to think of Jesus and a time in His life where He might have felt the same way. I know He felt fear and anxiety but I was trying to think of a time where He might have felt the intense phobic fear that I sometimes feel. And then it hit me. The Atonement. When He suffered in Gethsemane it was for my sins but also for my pains and sufferings. He struggled there feeling EXACTLY what I am feeling everyday in order to be able to help me now. He knows how I am feeling. He’s been there, for me and for everyone. It made me feel not so alone and a sense of peace and love. My prayer was answered.

So when I got to work I took my time and took my pills and nibbled on a roll. All morning long I had to do deep breathing because the anxiety kept coming back. But the breathing worked a little bit. I kept telling myself, “There’s no need to push myself.” So I have been successfully keeping my anxiety this morning between a 1 and 3 mainly with my breathing exercises.

Today I am not feeling hopeless, but I am feeling tired. This is so hard. I know it’s my adversity to bear but sometimes it is all consuming never ending and I hate it. I am blessed to live a pretty comfortable lifestyle, I have a home that I love, a good job, and although I am not rich by any means, I am not lining up for welfare or handouts so I consider myself blessed. If this is a challenge that I am given than I accept it. It just sucks and today I am tired and sad that its mine. It’s very humbling, telling the people around you that you are struggling with something. It’s nice to let people know so I don’t have to hide it and they can understand, but it’s extremely embarrassing too. I am not perfect, but who is right?

Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful

“The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).

Yesterday was a really tough day for me as I explained earlier. At one point of the day I called my sister who lives in Georgia to cry and talk to her since I was feeling down. When I got back from my initial visit with my new counselor, my neighbor stopped me in the driveway to give me a boquet of flowers that someone had delivered. It is a beautiful full boquet of red roses with one white daisy sticking out. The card said, "Be your own kind of beautiful! I love you! -Lisa" Just like the picture shows, I don't have to be one of the roses to have my own unique beauty shine through. It was a good reminder that I shouldn't care where other people think I should be. Its my life and no matter how people think I should behave or look or feel, it doesn't matter. I can't worry or care about the judgments. That is the hardest lesson I will have to learn. I know right now I still do care and thats what spawns my attacks.

It turned the rest of my day around. It was nice to know that I had someone cheering me on and was supporting me not just making progress, but was there to support me when I didn't, when I went backwards.

Today has been rough as well but in a different way. I am back at work and struggling to get through the day with this constant nausea feeling in my stomach. I have no appetite whatsoever but I am not going to push myself cause that will only make things worse. The hardest thing about today is that I am back at square 1. Starting completely over. I can't keep thinking about where I was cause it just gets me down. So what if its 1:40 pm and I have only taken in 269 calories. A few weeks ago I was in the 2550 range at the end of the day and thats how I was gaining weight, but I didn't start there. I think I started at 500 originally, and thats when I was feeling good. So I will take it one step at a time, one day at a time, at my own pace. Positive Affirmation Alert: "I can take as small a step forward as I choose. There's no need to push myself." This is the first time in my life where I completely understand that phrase, "One day at a time."