Anticaptory Anxiety coming right up!

When I was in high school, I was madly in love with this boy. I would do anything for him. We dated on and off for about 4 years. Problem was, I never felt good enough for him no matter how hard I tried. For example, I dressed a certain way that wasn't really me because that's what he liked. I never felt like his family accepted me either. But I was pretty obsessed with him. My whole world revolved around him. When he broke up with me my junior year, I was devastated. I had never felt so rejected in my whole life. It hit me pretty hard. One time he hooked up with my best friend. That also was devastating to me because they were the only two people in my world. I was able to forgive him because he had such a hold on me but I never spoke to my friend again. That was so sad to loose that relationship. Ever since I have had a really hard time making friends with women. He and I eventually got back together for about a year until he went on a mission for our church and I started dating my husband who made me realize that I was good enough just the way that I am. We are equals, and that is such a liberating feeling. I am no longer constantly trying to gain acceptance.

Man just typing this post out is making me feel anxious.

Anyway, about 5 years ago we were visiting my parents for the holidays and I saw this same guy from high school at church where he met my husband. I knew he would be there and the whole day I was just sick about it. I didn't want to see him. It was so horrible that I spent half of the church service in the bathroom expecting to throw up.

Now, 5 years later, I have a wedding to go to next weekend. The wedding is for an old mutual friend of ours from those high school years. I don't know for sure if he will be there, but there is a really good chance that he and his new wife, and his entire family will be. I really want to go to support my friend and his family because they are very dear to me, but I am freaking out about seeing him there. It just brings back all those horrible feelings of rejection and I am pretty sure they hate me since I broke up with him to date my husband. I already RSVP'd that I would go. But I am not looking forward to it and I feel like I need to buy a new outfit and get all gussied up to look my best and thats annoying too. Although I wouldn't mind a new outfit :) Just looking at the wedding announcement brings on the butterflies.

I know the day of is going to be really stressful and my anxiety will be bad. So, does anyone have any tips for me? To go or not to go, that is the question...

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Turkey Day Meltdowns

photo by scruff35

Thanksgiving is easily my least favorite holiday for obvious reasons. It’s the one day of the year where the entire point is to eat as much food as you can in front of everyone you know. It’s a nightmare in real life.

Last year I tried to do 2 different dinners, only to wind up having a panic attack at my sister’s house and having to bail out before the food was even done being cooked.

I remember feeling so embarrassed and upset that day because I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. This was when I was just learning about anxiety and panic attacks and hadn’t quite nailed it all down yet.

Then to make matters worse, the next morning all the girls on my in-law side of the family had to do the early morning shopping. When they were starting to slow down and talk about going out to breakfast, suddenly I started to feel nauseous. Still not sure why I had the reaction I did but knowing it had to do with eating around others, I had to make them take me home before they went out to eat because I was going to throw up. So I managed to thoroughly embarrass myself on both sides of my family last year.

This year, I have already been invited to the morning shopping with a “Don’t worry, we won’t go out for breakfast so you won’t get sick” reassurance that only reminded me of the embarrassing memory and let me know that others hadn’t forgotten it either.

I decided that although I have a much better understanding now how to properly plan and prepare for the holiday, I am not going to throw myself into situations that are too much. Thanksgiving dinner is going to be hard enough without throwing in more dangerous triggers. I don’t feel bad about it because I am not avoiding it because I am afraid, but rather I want to have a good memorable Thanksgiving that I can use to draw strength from next year. So I will stick to the basics and work my way up.

Positive Affirmation Alert: There’s no need to push myself. I can take as small a step forward as I choose.

This Thanksgiving I want to keep things as simple as I can. My sister’s family is going to have dinner with my Aunt but I worry that it will be too small a group to where I will feel uncomfortable. But I don’t want my sister to feel bad if I don’t hang out with them. I don’t even know my in-laws plans yet. Personally I would just have my own turkey dinner if I could! But its more than food, it’s about being with your family.

So my plans for the horrible day are not yet confirmed. I am going to have to do some major prep work no matter where I end up spending the day. T minus 7 days to go.

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Anticipatory Anxiety over Business Trip

photo by Bruno D Rodrigues
Today I found out that in a few weeks I am going to have to travel to North California for business. I will be doing this trip alone. That scares me to death. I am trying to look at it as an adventure but I know I will be a nervous reck about it. I will have to rent a car and drive which that alone is enough stress and anxiety, but add driving to unknown places in unfamiliar towns and cities and thats really scary for me. I have never done something like this before. At least all by myself. I am going to have to plan as much beforehand as I can with maps and mace. Just thinking about it is making feel like I can't breathe. I am having to take giant heaping breaths even as I type this.

***

Ok I just took a quick walk away from my desk and was thinking about it and I am trying to focus on the excitement aspect, not the fear. I will be able to take pics of the Golden Gate bridge and prove to myself that I am a capable of doing this on my own. It will be a challenge, but it will also be a huge learning experience for me.

Any tips out there for me?

I also have a dinner with some old coworkers tonight that I am trying to not get freaked out about.

Deep breaths. One step at a time.

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Anticipatory Anxiety

photo by Meredith Farmer

You know you suffer from anxiety when you worry about worrying. At the end of June I have a bridal luncheon and a wedding reception dinner for two different people all on the same day. Then a month after that I have a baby shower. My friend just text'd me and invited Tyler and I over for dinner and a movie this weekend. I have a family dinner this Sunday at my Aunts house and another family BBQ in a couple weeks. All of these events give me butterflies anytime the thought of going to any one of them appears in my head. Just listing them all in one place is bothersome, too many of them! I am worrying about me worrying at these events. Not being able to control the worry or panic that I feel and having a panic attack in front of others which would be extremely embarrassing. I've been trying to not think about the dates, procrastinating buying the gifts and responding with RSVPs. I know I have nothing to fear and I just need to prepare for them- write out my negative thoughts and rationalize their validity but it seems so hard.

The following is summarized from the book The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook that I have listed on my home page. Anticipating anxiety, or apprehension between panic attacks focusing on fear of having another one, is one of the hallmarks of panic disorder. If not treated it can lead to agoraphobia (fear of open spaces or better defined as fear of being in a situation where escape from panic attacks are unavailable). The moment you start avoiding situations (for me would be eating in public around others in a formal setting) for fear of panicking, then you've started to develop agoraphobia. From there things only go more downhill. I don't want to take that road. It can lead to depression, fear of leaving the house, etc.

So I don't want to avoid these events even though my insides are screaming for a reason not to go. Instead I have to plan out what I will do in certain circumstances, what I might say if I start losing control. Best case scenario is that I can prepare for each event, go into it with some positive affirmations and confidence in myself, and be able to manage any anxiety that might arise.

In either case the next few weeks are going to be important. I will either grow a lot in experiences where I can manage my anxiety, or I could have some potential setbacks in which I will still learn alot. I am hoping for the former. I'm sure the following posts will include follow up and preparation for all these potential nightmares.