Tips for Traveling with Anxiety- Trip # 4

If you have read the blog for awhile, you know that I get extremely anxious about traveling. I didn't use to be this way but after a few trips where I was panic stricken the whole time I have developed anticipatory anxiety about vacations. How sad, I know, since vacations are supposed to be a relaxing getaway.

This Memorial Day Weekend we have a cousins reunion in St. George which is about 3-4 hours away from home. I know that I shouldn't be anxious about the trip but it has really been stressing me out. We will be gone for about two days. We have never been away from home with the baby for that long.

So learning from my previous setbacks, I know that success will greatly increase for me if I properly prepare ahead of time. Preparing means following my 10 step Mental Exercise, but here is a shorter version:

1. Writing out all of my fears no matter how silly or absurd they may sound.
2. Writing out a gameplan for what will happen in the worst case scenario.
3. Writing out positive affirmations to counter my fears.
4. Print out the post and keep it in my wallet where I can access it whenever I need to. I plan to pull it out every morning and reread it for reinforcement.

This worked well for me on my last trip to Vegas so I hope it will work again.

Ok so here goes:

What am I telling myself to make me feel this way?

• What if I am anxious the whole time? I will ruin the trip for Tyler and all the cousins and my aunt will think I am weird.
• Trips make me anxious. I should be nervous about this trip.
• What if I can't eat anything and I offend the cook?
• What if people want to go do something and I am feeling too sick?
• What if the baby has a hard time on the car ride down or sleeping and she is miserable?
  

As I am writing these out I am noticing that most of them are "What if" statements which is the type of negative self talk that promotes anxiety, especially anticipatory anxiety. This type of self talk is the one that plagues me the most. Edmund J. Bourne says,

"...the Worrier's dominant tendencies include 1) anticipating the worst, 2) overestimating the odds of something bad or embarrassing happening, and 3) creating grandiose images of potential failure or catastrophe. The Worrier is always vigilant, watching with uneasy apprehension for any small symptoms or signs of trouble."

He also says the best coping strategy for dealing with the Worrier is by writing out positive coping statements.

• What if I am anxious the whole time? I will ruin the trip for Tyler and all the cousins and my aunt will think I am weird.
  

Circumstances are what they are but I can choose my attitude toward them. I can be anxious and still have fun on this trip. I've done it before and I can do it again. I can handle this. Tyler loves me more than this trip. I love and accept myself the way I am. I respect and believe in myself apart from other's opinions.

• Trips make me anxious. I should be nervous about this trip.

This is overgeneralizing. Just because I have been anxious on trips in the past that doesn't set in stone that I will be anxious on this trip. I am learning to be calm. I'm responsible and in control of my life.

• What if I can't eat anything and I offend the cook?
  

If I explain to the cook that I have not been feeling well and I don't have an appetite they will most likely understand. And if they don't, so what! I only have to eat for myself. It's important to take care of my own needs. I respect and believe in myself apart from others' opinions.

• What if people want to go do something and I am feeling too sick?

If I am not feeling well be honest and they will most likely understand. And if they don't, so what! You are here to have fun and not to please everyone else. Do what you want to do. It's important to take care of my own needs. Its ok to make time to rest and relax. I am willing to go forward with my life and try to better myself regardless of what others think.

• What if the baby has a hard time on the car ride down or sleeping and she is miserable?

If she is really struggling we can always come home. We can take rest stops and get her out and play.


What if the worst case scenario happened?

If the worst case scenario happened and I was severly anxious, I could take deep breaths and if needed, a clonazepam to help take the worst of it away. If I am still really anxious I could leave the room, collect my thoughts by reading my positive affirmations and taking deep breaths, and return when I feel better. If it won't go away and I am miserable, we could always come home.


Preparing like this may seem time consuming but for me, just knowing that I have a plan in place helps to subside those what if feelings because now I know what I will do if it happens.

We are leaving tonight or in the morning. I will let you know how it goes!

Worrying is a Wasteful Use of Energy

It’s interesting how many times the anticipatory anxiety is worse then whatever event I am worrying about. Of course the baby blessing and family BBQ were just fine. The baby slept through the whole thing and was a delight afterward. The food was yummy and we had a great time. I was able to manage any little bits of anxiety that arose. The worst was beforehand when I couldn’t stop thinking about all the What ifs!

Do you consider yourself a worrywart? I know I am. If you are then you might be plagued by "The Worrier" as well. Any fears that we can write down that start with "What if..." is a horrible waste of our time and energy. However its probably what effects me the most. I am always worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. And how many times like the example above do I need to show myself that they are empty, worthless thoughts. They rarely come to pass and in the mean time all I have done is added a few more wrinkles and grey hairs.

Imagine all that you or I could accomplish if we could channel all the time and energy we use worrying into something positive. Easier said than done, but still an interesting thought.

If it's Your Birthday, You Can Be More Prone to Panic

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photo by PinkCakeBox

So today it’s my 25^th birthday. I love my birthdays, I love the gifts and the doting comments you get. The attention is nice and I love positive attention. However there is another side of my birthday that I really hate. Every birthday that I can remember I have had a panic attack. Usually because in our society you usually celebrate someone’s birthday with a big meal. That much attention focused on me always made me sick. I can’t count how many birthdays I have been sick on. This makes sense because people that have social anxiety often don't like to be put in the spotlight. I hate the feeling of having to preform for people. And when its your birthday you are definitely in the spotlight all day long.

A year ago I was out to eat for my birthday lunch with my coworkers and in the middle of the meal I went to the bathroom and threw it all up. I remember very clearly looking in the mirror and thinking “This is not normal. There is something very wrong with me.” That’s when I decided that I needed to do something. I didn’t want to have another birthday like that ever again. That’s when the research began and the diagnosis was made and I started on my journey. So it’s a year of reflection for me, to think of everything that I have learned.

However today I am struggling. There has been anticipatory anxiety for a few days about today because I know it’s a big day potentially for my anxiety. Part of me feels like I should not have a panic attack because then I can prove to myself that I have accomplished something. Part of me is worried what it will mean if I do have a panic attack. All this pressure is making me very anxious. I woke up with it. I am feeling it right now, even after taking a Clonozapam. I thought it would be fun to go take pictures of the fall scenery today so I mentioned it to my coworkers and now we will go and do it but last time we went I panicked so that has me worried.

It’s no fun. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy day celebrating you. So on the way to work this morning I started listening to my recordings I have made of some positive affirmations. I have already decided not to do a big meal because I don’t want to push myself and I don’t want to deal with it today. However because I am still so nervous and anxious, I feel that I need to talk myself through it now.

Q: What am I telling myself to make me feel this way?

A: Today is a panic day and I usually throw up on a day like today. I should be cautious so that I don’t panic. If I do panic than that means I am back where I was a year ago and I haven’t learned anything. Then the worrier comes in: What if I start out ok but then they go to get food or the panic comes on very quickly like it did last time? What if I get sick?

Now I will address these worries:

If the worse case scenario came true and I had a panic attack today, I would be just fine. I don’t have to be all better today just because I want to be. I can take as small a step forward as I choose. I can’t force the growth. If I did panic, no one would think badly of me, not even myself. If I decided that I wouldn’t go shooting with my coworkers after all, then that’s ok because it’s my birthday and I should do what I want on my birthday.

If I get sick today than so what! If they pass judgment on me what’s the worst that could happen? People are going to not like me or think ill of me no matter how “perfect” I might try to be. So I should stop trying to please them and do what I want, because I’m the one that has to be happy or miserable. If they want to go shooting and I decide not to go, I could tell them, “You know, I changed my mind, I am not feeling well and I have a lot of work to do. I better stay back, but you can go.” Or I could say “Do you mind if we go after you guys eat lunch? I am not feeling well and I would rather go when I don’t have the smells in the way.” And it might sound awkward but what’s the worst that could happen? They could again pass judgment on me but I have to learn that it’s their problem if they think ill of me, not mine and that I am being me which is the most important thing! If I feel sick and I don’t want to eat, than don’t eat. My body will tell me when it is hungry and there is no need to push myself. If I am feeling anxious and I don’t want to go than don’t go.

Positive Affirmation: There is no need to push myself. I don’t have to be all better today.

A lightbulb just went off for me as I wrote this post. Today isn’t about pushing myself to prove that I can face my fears and not panic, proving to myself that I am somehow “cured”. It’s about creating a birthday that is happy and anxious free so that next year I can reflect back on how it’s possible to have a good birthday. Then maybe I won’t be so scared of them.

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Preparing for Countering Negative Self Talk

photo by Cocolinda

"You cannot run away from weakness; you must sometime fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?" –Robert Louis Stevenson

Tonight I have a challenge. My new friend Rachel that I have mentioned before has invited us over for dinner and a movie at their new home tonight. I am so excited that she wants to hang out, but part of me is freaking out that she wants us to have dinner together. I’ve decided to go, face my fear, and do whatever feels most comfortable. I have to learn to accept myself the way I am or no one else will ever be able to accept me either. So if I go and I feel sick and can’t eat very much than that’s ok. I will just say so and not force myself. That’s my main goal. I don’t want to push myself because I am worried about offending her cooking. I have to accept that it’s more important for me to be me as opposed to being something I’m not. When I can learn to be comfortable with me, thats when confidence will grow.

It’s going to be hard. I haven’t been in this formal of a situation in awhile. So here’s my game plan/ coping strategies:

1. Go with positive counterstatements in my head already
2. Take some Clonozapam before I get there if I am really nervous
3. Be honest. If I am not feeling good, mention it to Rachel and let her know that I am not feeling well and that its not the food so she will understand and not get offended.
4. Try to disrupt any negative self talk at the beginning with deep breathing (counting to 4 for each inhale and exhale) or distracting myself by focusing on an object and analyzing it instead.
5. If I start to panic, I will temporarily leave the situation, maybe go to the restroom or somewhere where I can calm myself down, disrupt the negative self talk with rationalization and with positive counterstatements and then when I feel more in control I will return.
6. Analyze thoughts later.

I know it’s important to try to disrupt any negative self talk I feel or in other words, learn to counter my anxiety.

Edmund J. Bourne says, “Cultivating the habit of countering is one of the most significant steps you can take in dealing with all kinds of anxiety as well as panic attacks.”

So it’s a little unorganized but I am going to try to sort it all out now so I can recall it later tonight.

Anxious Self Talk:

I am definitely plagued by thoughts of The Worrier when I go to these events. I am almost always thinking “What if people don’t think I am eating enough and they think I have an eating disorder? What if I lose control and throw up?”

I think I am getting better at the caring about whether people think I am too skinny or not. I think my main worry is that I will have a panic attack and feel overwhelmingly embarrassed about being judged if I do and they will never call to hang out again.

Positive Affirmations and Rational Counterstatements:

photo by kinky fantastic

I like the picture above and how it impresses to me that if I am hanging out with someone who is overly critical of me than I shouldn't worry so much about pleasing them and probably shouldn't be hanging out with them at all. If I think about it I know that its in my head and these people are nice and they aren't judging my worthiness to exist, so I shouldn't worry so much about trying to impress them and just enjoy being me. Basically "Don't act like such a doormat, especially when no one's wiping their feet!"

Positive Counterstatement Alert: There’s no need to push myself. I can take as small a step forward as I choose. I can be anxious and still do this. I’ve gotten through it in the past.

Ok so now I will add some rational counter statements to my catastrophic thoughts and images:

“If the worst happened, then…”

If the worst happened, and I threw up at their house and everyone knew it, then I could be honest and explain to them that sometimes I have panic attacks in social situations and they would likely understand. Life would still go on, there is nothing life threatening about it. And no matter what happened, they are still my friends and nice to me.

Okay so I am feeling a little better about tonight. I will be myself no matter what. I am a little excited for the challenge, to see how well I can handle it. However even if things go horrible I won't feel bad because its still a step in the right direction and I will be able to learn from any set back that may come.

Finding Beauty in the Storm

Friday:

This has been an overall pretty good week so far. I haven't had any anxiety attacks, and any general anxiety that arose I was able to manage using deep breathing, positive self talk, and my good ol' Clonozapam. I am feeling better about my body image. I wake up with positive affirmations around me so any immediate anxiety I feel quickly subsides. I am still generally anxious around meals even by myself, but I have gotten much better at only eating what I want and not forcing myself to push past anything uncomfortable. So I am proud of myself for the progress I made this week. However, that said, I have been fortunate to not be put into any position that might cause a panic attack to occur such as a family party that I have on Sunday, or any surprise get togethers at restaurants this weekend that could happen. My biggest challenge is to be myself around these people and keep doing what I am doing, and not worry about what they think about it. I have realized that until I am happy with myself as I am now and with the way I live my life now, than there is no way I will be able to not worry around others. So self love before self improvement. You can't fix the outside if your broken on the inside. And for awhile I was trying to gain weight at the same time as working on my anxiety and I understand now why I could fall so hard. I was counterproductive. Telling myself that I shouldn't worry about others but at the same time, I have to gain weight because everyone thinks I should. How insane! How easy it is to get sucked into this vicious cycle.

Saturday:

There are other things that raise my anxiety besides eating around others and driving is the next biggest thing. I am okay if I am driving alone in a car, but I hate driving with passengers. Usually I will say "We can take my car if someone wants to drive it" before I will drive with people in the car with me. I also get nervous about driving somewhere that I have never been before as was proven when I first tried to get to my Therapists office in an earlier post.

I also have a hard time making friends. I can do small talk and socialize at work, but actually opening up to someone about how I feel and having a real connection with girls especially has been a real problem for me. I don't really have any friends outside of my family. I have coworkers that I chat with and people at church I say hi to, but no one I can call if I am having a bad day and need a friend to come cheer me up, or someone to go shopping with, or any of the things you do with friends.

All that said, today I drove with a new friend in the car all around town. She is the wife of my husband's coworker and we have been hanging out the last couple weekends. I was really nervous about it but I did it and I am proud of myself for driving with someone that I really want to become good friends with, being able to talk to her and have a really good time. Sure I almost killed us once, and my parking was horrible, but we survived! She seemed very nice and understanding, and she opened up to me as well so it was really good. Its been a long time since I have been able to make a new friend which unfortunately is hard for people with SAD. The last real friend (outside of the family) that I had was in High School 7 years ago, and that relationship ended badly. So I am excited about the prospects of having a relationship like that in my life again, but at the same time I am not expecting anything. I am taking risks around her which is good because it means I am comfortable around her to be myself, and thats all I want to be. I think we will continue to hang out, and if she can't accept me as myself and if we never hang out again, thats okay, it was a good experience and I learned a lot.


Sunday:

I think the weekends are the hardest for me right now. I have no important reason to get out of bed so I lay there feeling anxious for an hour or so just trying to talk myself out of it. I skipped breakfast both on Sat and Sun which makes me feel bad, but I am going to get over it and move on. Tonight I have a family BBQ at the park and I want to think it through before I go so I can avoid a panic attack and enjoy myself. The most important thing I want to remember is to eat only for myself, and not for anyone else. I have to remember to be unapologetic about my body, and if anyone makes any comments about it, to not let it get to me. Don't let others see how their comments might hurt me, instead laugh it off and make it not be a big deal, or be bold and stand up for myself. Let people know its not cool to talk to people that way. (I am so non- confrontational I doubt I will have the guts to do that but ya never know)
Thoughts I want to bring with me:

• I am ok the way I am
• Theres no need to push myself
• This may be hard, but I CAN DO IT
• My Healthy, My Happy
• It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, only what you think of you
• Its none of their business
• Don't let them take away your happiness
• Love yourself- you are beautiful

I think that during the week I have a set schedule that makes it easy for me- I know what to expect and feel safe in that setup. However when the weekend comes, anything could happen and that unknown factor is what conjours up so much more anxiety. That unknown factor is what caused me so much stress in Hawaii. I don't want to be so worried about that because it will effect all my vacations, camp outs, etc this summer. I need to get over it somehow, and not be so sensitive. Its the Worrier, the What ifs that race through my head.

I am glad I have this time to prepare for the party tonight, pump up my spirits and go in with some positive thinking ready. That always makes uncomfortable situations easier as opposed to getting thrown into something.

In summary, its nice to see the progress that I have made even though there is still so much more to work on. I have seen a lot of growth this week, finding some beauty in the storm, and thats exciting.



Here are some pictures that I took of some flowers after it rained. The slideshow cuts them off so you can click here to see them in full.



Close Up of Roses After Storm

Looks like Someone’s Got a Case of the Mondays

photo by dogfaceboy

So today is Monday, and Mondays for me are filled with meetings and social situations and ya know, stuff- that could result in anxiety. It starts off with an early morning meeting directed by the CEO that I have to be on time for and sound somewhat intelligent in. So I stress about getting up and getting ready and leaving the house on time. This morning I left 15 minutes earlier than I usually do. The roads seemed determined to make me late as I sat in construction for ten minutes and then went 20mph down the freeway for some accident or who knows what. I made it to work and walked into the meeting only 3 minutes late, not bad. I wasn’t the last one to arrive. Then after the meeting I was so busy getting work in order that I hardly remembered to take my medicine. The other issue with this Monday is that it is Age Planning which means we all gather in a conference room with pizza and plan out the next two weeks worth of work. I am struggling right now just to eat a muffin and grape juice for breakfast so I know I won’t want any of that pizza. So I am going to go in with the attitude and affirmation that I made up and worked with over the weekend, “I am learning that I don’t have to eat to please others. I only need to eat to please myself.” So hopefully in 5 minutes if there is pizza I will be strong and say “I don’t want any thanks.” If someone asks me about it and the most important part- NOT WORRY about what they might think of that statement. I think I can do it.

** So it turns out the meeting didn’t have pizza in it today so I dodged that bullet. Which just goes to show you shouldn’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.

The next meeting that happens on Monday is where you go to a group of people that are called “The Customer” and report on what you did the last two weeks and what you plan to do for the next two weeks. Many people like to refer to this meeting as “Going to the Principal’s office”. They also have a display of snacks and goodies out on the table for people to munch on. I will sometimes load up my plate with a few things and nibble on some in the meetings, then take the rest back to my cube. The meeting in general always makes me nervous.

The last thing is my hour drive to my therapist. The drive itself is the stressor as I am not comfortable with driving places I am not familiar with and going to her is still relatively new. I think I will be ok today though, since I made it there last week on time and without getting lost. Also I am not super comfortable with her yet so its all a little awkward still.

These Monday meetings and social situations always heighten my overall level of anxiety throughout the entire day.

So here it is at lunchtime and I have had a glass of grape juice and half of a muffin for breakfast. I can tell that I am a little bit hungry but nothing sounds good and I am still anxious about eating in general. It feels like lately it takes me all day long to get the courage to eat anything substantial. I start out nibbling on breakfast, nibbling on lunch, and then have a solid dinner and maybe snack. I don’t know why. Let me try to talk it out:

Situation: Not really wanting to eat lunch alone in my cubicle, even though I can tell my body needs food.

Q: What am I telling myself to make me feel this way?

Automatic Thoughts: What if I can only eat a little bit and then I will feel bad about myself?

Rational Response: Eating only a little bit is better than not eating at all. Eventually the more little bits I eat the more comfortable I will be with eating and I can start to challenge myself to eat more. But baby steps. I only need to go as far as I want to. There is no reason to feel bad about myself. I am already worthy as a person and I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I love myself just the way I am now.

I still don't feel very much better about lunch but I will give it a shot.

Theres No Need To Push Myself

Photo by Brittney Bush

Yesterday was a really good day. I started off by taking all my pills (Zoloft, a little Clonozapam to help with my initial anxiety, Vitamin B and then a One a Day Women’s Vitamin pill). I was able to eat breakfast with only a minor bit of anxiety (1 on the scale) and then surprisingly at noon I was hungry. I ate lunch until I felt full and then surprisingly again I wanted to eat more later, so I had a few snacks. Then when I got home I was hungry for dinner and ate right away. I was so excited that I had an appetite and I was able to eat. It was a good day.

This morning was not so good. I think that subconsciously I wanted it to be as good a day as yesterday. I started off by taking my pills and started to eat a banana. I could feel the anxiety growing past 1 to 2, to 3 maybe even 4 (See Anxiety Scale Post for more info). I tried listening to my positive affirmations and that seemed to only make me think about it more so I stopped. I tried breathing but I couldn’t get a deep breath from my stomach. I was breathing pretty fast and high in my chest. I retreated to the bathroom where I tried to think through my situation. I thought to myself “What am I saying to make me feel this way?” I returned to my desk and got out my journal to help me figure it out and I responded, “I have to eat breakfast, I have to improve, I have to have a good day like yesterday. I have to stop feeling this way.” The Perfectionist was shining through all mean and demanding and ugly.

photo by myrtepeert

So I questioned the worst case scenario- “What if I got sick? What if I couldn’t eat breakfast or lunch or had no appetite? What if I stopped improving?” I responded with, “So what! So I get sick. So I skip breakfast. So I wait until my body tells me it’s hungry instead of forcing food down it. So what if the day isn’t perfect. Life will go on, I will go on. Then I focused on one of my positive counterstatements, “There’s no need to push myself.” I read them over and over from my journal but my mind was still racing and it really wasn’t doing anything. So I got a scrap piece of paper and started writing the affirmation out- in cursive. “There’s no need to push myself. I can take as small a step forward as I choose.” Still, the cursive was to fast. And the word forward was bothering me because it was making me feel bad that I wasn’t necessarily moving forward. So I took that one out and I made myself print each letter and read it as I went. “There is no need to push myself” until I had written it out ten times on the piece of paper. Then I could feel my heart slowing down and I started to believe it.

It also might have something to do with the fact that its pizza day. That’s when the whole company gets pizza for lunch. It always makes me anxious just going up and assembling around the pizza and having to pile my plate. I usually bring it back down to my desk to eat it. Which is what I will do today but I think there is some anticipatory anxiety there as well. So I have about an hour before the pizza comes. While I am in a calmer state right now I am going to prepare myself for the event. What am I telling myself that is making me a little anxious about getting pizza? “What if someone comments that I am not taking enough food? What if someone wants me to eat with them? What if I can’t eat it because I feel sick? What if…?”

photo by Cam17

Ahh so it’s the Worrier now, making me so upset over something that hasn’t even happened.

photo by Son of Groucho

Ok so now I will respond to these worries. “If someone comments that I am not eating enough or taking enough food, so what! I can tell them that I am not very hungry and not worry about what their reaction might be. If they pass judgment on me what’s the worst that could happen? People are going to not like me or think ill of me no matter how “perfect” I might try to be. So I should stop trying to please them and do what I want, because I’m the one that has to eat it.” “If someone wants me to eat with them I will if I am calm, but if I feel anxious I will politely say, ‘I have a lot of work to do so I need to get back to my desk,’ or I can be honest like my therapist said and say something like, ‘You know, its weird but I tend to lose my appetite when I am eating around others, so I can come and sit with you but I might not eat very much.’ And it might sound awkward but what’s the worst that could happen? They could again pass judgment on me but I have to learn that it’s their problem if they think ill of me, not mine and that I am being me which is the most important thing!” “If I feel sick and I don’t want to eat, than don’t eat. My body will tell me when it is hungry and there is no need to push myself. I can take pizza down to my desk and put it in the fridge for later when I am feeling better.

In going along with this theme I have stopped counting calories and weighing myself until I am more comfortable with eating in general so it won't aggravate the Perfectionist! Its been tough, I pass the scale a couple times and want to but I tell myself no, no good will come of that now, I am not ready for that step yet.

The important thing to remember right now is that I am already worthy as a person and I don’t have to prove my worth to people. I am already OK just the way I am. And the counter statement I want to focus on the most today is “There is no need to push myself.” I think I might make it somehow visible in my cube where I can see it as a daily reminder to myself.

The exciting thing about today is that I successfully managed an anxiety attack before I let it get out of control. I was able to use the coping skills I have been learning about in the book Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Bourne which is a sign of hope and progress in itself- a different kind of progress from yesterday.