My Redeeming Moment on Facebook

As I am sure you are aware from previous posts, alot of my anxiety deals with feelings of rejection. I worry about people rejecting me and so I try to avoid it. I think the times in my life where someone has rejected me really scarred me and left deep wounds which later manifested as panic attacks and severe anxiety.

However, I had a really great experience with Facebook yesterday. Here's a little story about when I was just a girl. I have always been a bit boy crazy and when I was in elementary school, I had a huge mega crush on this one particular boy. Only problem, he wanted nothing to do with me. He was in love with this little girl that all the boys were in love with. She was French and had recently moved into the area. This boy even paid another boy to "ask me out" (at that age it was just a title of boyfriend/girlfriend but you didn't actually do anything) just so I would leave him alone. Oh the drama of 9 year olds. It's not like I was a stalker or anything. I don't remember even telling him that I liked him, but I must have been staring at him or something to give him the creeps. Also, being the youngest of 9 I was a bit neglected as a child so I never matched, always wore 10 year old hand-me-downs and my hair was probably a bit unkempt as well. Anyway, eventually the boy moved away and I went on to have other crushes and life moved on.


Yesterday I got a friend request on Facebook from this boy-now-man. I have no idea how he found me. I don't use my maiden name, and we have no mutual friends on facebook. It took me awhile to even figure out who he was. Here is the best part. He left me this message with the friend request:


"Am i wrong, or did we go to elementary school together? lol god, you look great:).".

What?!? Is this for real? It was such a good feeling of finally being accepted by someone who rejected me for so long. It felt like one of those wounds finally healed and disappeared.


The thing about Facebook or any social networking website is that its a place to say "This is who I am" and you have control over what pictures are listed and any other information you want to share. So of course me being the way I am, I am very picky to post only the best pictures and most of those pictures I have photoshopped (I do photography on the side) and let me tell you, photoshop can do wonders. I would never post a picture of the way I am right this minute- no shower, no makeup, in my pajamas. Everyone tries to show their best face on Facebook. It's your way of saying "I have arrived."

His comment really made me feel good about myself. What felt even better? I wasn't asking for it. I didn't look him up. He found me. My sister once told me the best revenge is not giving that person another thought. And I really hadn't in this scenario.

Although it felt really nice, the reality of life is that not everyone that rejects you will someday think you are great. And unfortunately there are a lot of people from my past that rejected me that I can't help but think about. I have dreams almost every night about being rejected over and over again by these people, never feeling good enough. And I will never heal if I continue to wait for that acceptance day that will never come.

I need to learn how to heal without their acceptance. To love myself even if others don't. To feel that I am good enough just the way that I am. And that is the hardest battle I struggle with everyday.

Has anyone else had similar experiences with Facebook or any other social networking site?

If you enjoyed this post Get the Reality of Anxiety via RSS or Email

Anticaptory Anxiety coming right up!

When I was in high school, I was madly in love with this boy. I would do anything for him. We dated on and off for about 4 years. Problem was, I never felt good enough for him no matter how hard I tried. For example, I dressed a certain way that wasn't really me because that's what he liked. I never felt like his family accepted me either. But I was pretty obsessed with him. My whole world revolved around him. When he broke up with me my junior year, I was devastated. I had never felt so rejected in my whole life. It hit me pretty hard. One time he hooked up with my best friend. That also was devastating to me because they were the only two people in my world. I was able to forgive him because he had such a hold on me but I never spoke to my friend again. That was so sad to loose that relationship. Ever since I have had a really hard time making friends with women. He and I eventually got back together for about a year until he went on a mission for our church and I started dating my husband who made me realize that I was good enough just the way that I am. We are equals, and that is such a liberating feeling. I am no longer constantly trying to gain acceptance.

Man just typing this post out is making me feel anxious.

Anyway, about 5 years ago we were visiting my parents for the holidays and I saw this same guy from high school at church where he met my husband. I knew he would be there and the whole day I was just sick about it. I didn't want to see him. It was so horrible that I spent half of the church service in the bathroom expecting to throw up.

Now, 5 years later, I have a wedding to go to next weekend. The wedding is for an old mutual friend of ours from those high school years. I don't know for sure if he will be there, but there is a really good chance that he and his new wife, and his entire family will be. I really want to go to support my friend and his family because they are very dear to me, but I am freaking out about seeing him there. It just brings back all those horrible feelings of rejection and I am pretty sure they hate me since I broke up with him to date my husband. I already RSVP'd that I would go. But I am not looking forward to it and I feel like I need to buy a new outfit and get all gussied up to look my best and thats annoying too. Although I wouldn't mind a new outfit :) Just looking at the wedding announcement brings on the butterflies.

I know the day of is going to be really stressful and my anxiety will be bad. So, does anyone have any tips for me? To go or not to go, that is the question...

Don't forget to sign up for the giveaway!

If you enjoyed this post Get the Reality of Anxiety via RSS or Email

Feelings of Rejection Lingering

photo by Ben Larson

I had another dream last night about being rejected. This seems to be an ongoing theme to my dreams almost every night. Usually it is being rejected by men, being back in high school and getting rejected by boys I thought were cute for example. But last night’s dream had a twist. My best friend in the dream was Sara Jessica Parker (probably because I really got into the Sex and the City series and considered the relationship the women on that show had as my ‘ideal’ kind of friendship). But at the end of the dream, she decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and it really hurt.

This brought me back to some real traumatic events in my youth that I was thinking about in the shower. A lot of blog post ideas come to me in the shower. I had a best friend all growing up that lived right down the street. We were the kind of friends that are inseparable, weekly sleepovers, secret clubs, dressing alike, the works. Only in eighth grade she decided to trade me in for someone else. The rejection I felt was awful. Suddenly I had no friends. Meanwhile those two girls became the most popular throughout high school. I struggled my first year in high school as many do but mainly because I really was all alone. I eventually made a friend with a fellow cheerleader. Her name was Laura. She wasn’t as pretty as me I thought and that gave me a sense of security. (aren’t girls horrible?) We became best friends and things started getting better for me. I had a boyfriend who I consider my first love. We dated off an on for several years. At one point when we were “off”, I found out that he and my “best friend” had hooked up. This too was devastating because I had no one to talk to about it. The two closest people in my life were the ones that had hurt me. This time I went into a mini depression. My grades fell and I became a bit of a recluse. I spent almost all weekends at home alone watching tv. This continued throughout my junior and senior year of high school. Eventually I reunited with this boy (what was I thinking, I know- I ended it about a year later) but I never reconciled the friendship after that day with Laura. Why was I able to forgive him and not her? Thats another question that I never understood.

Since then I have had a hard time making friendships with girls. But I try. I have a few, but none that I consider a “best” friend. I don’t know if I will ever have one again, but I would like to.

So it’s safe to say I have some issues with rejection and trust. Why I am STILL struggling with it I have no idea. I found a nice article that talks about how to get over rejection, but I don’t know if it’s really going to help me in any way. I consider myself “over” this history but I still dream about it in one form or another almost every night. Why? Anyone have any ideas or suggestions on how to get rid of them?

I came across an article today at the AnxietyConnection that talks on Anxiety and Insomnia. Since I have posted on that recently I thought I would mention it.

One more off topic random thing. Here is a fun quote that I came across that reminds me to be silly,

“I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.” ~Dr. Theodore Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss

I would like to thank my good friend Ben for the picture I used for this post. He is a pretty great photographer and a really supportive friend.

If you enjoyed this post Subscribe to The Reality of Anxiety

Rejecting Rejection

photo by wuji9981
It seems that when I am not having horrible nightmares of being shot and dying, I am having dreams of being rejected. The person(s) rejecting me vary from night to night, but the theme is always the same. I am usually back in high school confronting friends, or crushes, or old flames and all of them don't want to be around me for some reason. I spend the entire night pining for their acceptance and mourning over the lack of it. I feel sad, discouraged, and lonely all night long. According to Dream Moods,

"To dream that you are being rejected, signifies a lack of self-worth and alienation of others."

Another website about the symbolism of dreams says,

"Rejection in a dream shows that the dreamer either is frustrated by non-acceptance or want to rid himself of certain feelings."

This seems to go hand in hand with yesterday's post discussing Self-Esteem. Ok so I have already admitted that my self-esteem could use some work. But this is not some dream that I have now and then. I have dreams about this almost every night. I can't stand it. I wake up feeling awful. What a way to start the day. So I don't want to do it anymore. I actually emailed a local radio station that has a dream interpreter on it once a week to have her analyze one of my dreams. I can't wait to hear her feedback. I have heard that before you go to bed you can write your dream out in a journal and then change the ending to be whatever you want it to be. Then when you have your dream, the new ending will replace the old. I should try that. Maybe I just need a dream catcher.

Any other suggestions of how to stop having these kinds of dreams? Does anyone have similar kinds of dreams?

If you enjoyed this post Subscribe to The Reality of Anxiety or Add it to Your Technorati Favorites.