Is Recovery like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny?

photo by Space Potato
Seriously, is Recovery even real? Or is it something doctors make up to tell their patients so that they will keep coming back over and over again for more medication, more therapy, more hope. Can someone with anxiety ever be "normal"?

I have been trying to be grateful and soak in the goodness I have been feeling lately since I haven't had a full on panic attack but that doesn't mean I am cured. I am far from it. I still get anxious and I have anticipatory anxiety and I am majorly avoiding my fears. This weekend I have a conference for work that involves a luau and a family BBQ. Did I think to myself, "Oh that sounds like fun. I can't wait to go." No. In fact I put down that I wouldn't be attending. Why? Because I don't know how to drive there and I don't want to stress about trying to find it myself or feel stupid for putting someone out of their way for a ride. Also because I will be going alone and I don't feel like having to eat at a small table with other coworkers since that is really hard for me. So what am I doing? I am avoiding the whole situation. But then I feel guilty that I am giving into my fears and I can't do that. So I think I have talked myself into going to one of them.
I also have some friends coming over Friday to see our new room in our basement and we'll have a BBQ. Am I crazy? I want them to come over yes, but I don't want to BBQ. I am dreading the BBQ. Anytime I think about it I get butterflies. What is wrong with me? I should be excited to see friends.

My friend at work who has been nothing but nice to me is having a baby shower Aug. 3rd. That happens to be my 5 year anniversary. I should be really bummed that I won't be able to make it, but instead its a huge relief because I won't have to worry about eating in front of a bunch of women.

I guess I am letting The Victim and The Perfectionist in, but I can't help but feel like enough is enough.

I want to feel what "recovery" tastes like. Just a sample. To me recovery doesn't mean the panic attacks are gone. Recovery means I look at social events with my friends, family, and coworkers as something to look forward to, something to want to be involved in. Recovery means not avoiding "life."

Is that even possible? Will this always be something I manage, like some chronic illness? I've read that you can be "cured" in 6 months to a couple years. I think I have to see it to believe it.

What does "recovery" mean to you?


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Master Rather than Victim of My Mind

photo by tibbly
This morning I woke up and again I felt defeated without even getting out of bed. I thought things like, "Here we go again." "Another day of struggling." "I don't want to deal with this today" "This is so hard." I get out of bed with this horrible attitude of self defeat, sometimes not even realizing it, it sometimes is just a feeling in my stomach that puts me in a negative frame of mind. I really want to work on this because it does set the mood for my day and makes it so much harder to stay positive and not fall into the role of the Victim. All along I have been thinking that I am not really effected very much by the negative self talk of The Victim, but I am realizing that this self defeating attitude I face in the mornings really is The Victim creeping into my life and ruining my confidence, self respect and motivation.

So I need to stop sabotaging my recovery. I need to stop acting like I am a Victim of circumstances, and realize the affirmation I tell myself all the time: "I am in control of my life." I need to start the day with more positive thinking. The first step is to get rid of the idea that its definitely going to be a hard or bad day. I don't know if it will be a hard day or not, but telling myself that will make it hard. So if I wake up feeling bad I should say to myself "This might be hard today, but I can handle it. I can do this." I want to become Master of my mind and not a Victim of it. So heres my challenge to myself. The next day I wake up feeling scared, hopeless, or annoyed about having to start the process all over, I am going to try to remember to think of any of these positive affirmations instead:
(found at www.bmindful.com)

I am strong.

I can do this.

I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I break the end vision into achievable chunks

Every day, I make at least one step that takes me closer to my goals.

I am confident, competent and calm

I am a motivated person.

I have the power to control my health.

I am in control of my health and wellness.

I do not fear being unhealthy because I know that I control my own body.

I am creating healing energy in my life

My thoughts are under my control.

I am taking care of my mental health every day

Maybe I will write one out on a note card and put it on my nightstand or on the bathroom mirror or in my closet so I can see it when I wake up.

Also, I am trying really hard this week to do yoga everyday if possible, and to eat something for every meal. Even if its a small something, I don't want to get into the habit of skipping meals altogether. Also I am trying to follow the good advice of my sister. Make every bite count. So if I can only eat a little something, it will be packed with calories and be very nutritious. So far, so good.

The following is an excerpt from the book "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook Fourth Edition". I didn't list the whole passage but enough of it to remind me about how I am in control of my life and can choose to feel fear or replace it with peace:

"Focusing on a fear always makes it worse. I can change my focus to loving, supportive constructive ideas. I can't make fearful thoughts go away. Struggling with them only makes them loom larger. Instead I can redirect my mind to more peaceful calming thoughts and circumstances. Every time I do this I am choosing Peace instead of Fear.The more I choose peace, the more it becomes a part of my life.With practice I get better at redirecting my mind. I learn how to spend less time focusing on fear. I grow stronger in my ability to choose wholesome, helpful thoughts over fearful ones. I make time to relax- to reconnect with that place deep within myself that is always at peace. When I make time to do this, I can choose to move away from fearful thoughts. I can allow my mind to expand into a wider place that is much larger than my fearful thoughts. When I relax or meditate my mind becomes deep enough to transcend fear.

I'm learning to see that my fearful thought grossly overestimate risk or threat. The true risk I face in most situations is actually very small. True its impossible to eliminate risk from life altogether.

I'm learning to recognize my tendency to exaggerate risk, to blow them out of proportion. Every fear involves both overestimating the threat of danger and underestimating my ability to cope.

The important thing is not to feed fear. Not to dwell on it or give it energy..."

I no longer want to feed my fear or my Victim within. Only my tummy :)