Monday, August 13, 2007

Cloudy on the Inside

photo by illustriousbean
Lately I have been feeling a little bummed out for really no apparent reason at all. I had a rough work day with excruciatingly long meetings and I know that the rest of the work week will require some extensive overtime. So I guess thats a reason. I got home and started cleaning my house but lost interest and energy after a little while. Now I feel really grumpy and can't really explain it.

Maybe its the last days of summer flying past me with the heat thats causing me to feel so lazy and sad. Maybe its just a bad rut. But I can't really focus enough to write a really decent post so I just decided to write how I feel.

I am starting to not like going to my church for the simple fact that everyone has children except me. So I sit there and all I can think about is how many people have babies and little children and why can't it be so easy for me? It makes me feel defected in a way. But I know I just need to put my trust in God and he will support me in my trials. He knows better than I do when I should go that route. Plus the other benefits I get by going to church always outweigh the comparing thoughts. I can never escape comparing myself. Thats not to say I only want kids cause everyone else does- because I have already gone a lot longer than most couples that live near me without kids and for a long time I was proud of that fact. But now I see a baby and its more of how I want one.

Also I acted like a huge know it all and started a little family drama that is too draining to even get into. So I have a sister that won't return my calls and she is getting married in a month and I don't know if she even wants me to come.

So life isn't super fun right now so maybe the grumpiness isn't without reason.. And thats ok. It can't always be great. If the clouds never came than I would never appreciate the sun.

In other news, I've been asked to be a guest blogger on another anxiety blog. If there is any suggestions on what you want to read about, let me know. Its not as comfortable trying to post on someone else's blog as opposed to my own. Maybe there is such a thing as social anxiety via blogging?

P.S. I added a song "Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap to the playlist, its one of my all time favorites that I was finally able to find.

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ShamWOW! said...


The only pressure I feel to have children is from my Mother, who wants to be Grandmother and can't figure out why I'm not like all her friends' kids.

I'm 31 years old and MY friends (with the exception of two) don't have any children. Only one of my friends is married.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to have that kind of responsibility. I know that a lot of joys would come with it, but there's no way in hell I'm ready. I already work 12 hours a day on can I deal with a family?

Anyway, when the time comes for you, it'll come. No worries. Let nature take its course.

As far as Church goes, I'm a believer in God but I don't like churches one single bit. In my entire life I've only been to one that didn't make me feel uncomfortable, but they got a new minister and a bunch of drama followed. I can't deal with silly rumors and covert political activism at church. That's not what it's there for. Anyway, what I was going to say is that you're lucky you've found one you like.

You're doing a good job with the blog. Things may be rough at the moment but they'll look up. You know where your strengths are.


Aimée said...

Thanks Debaser :) I appreciate that, really I do. And I think its part of your mom's job description to bug you for grandkids. :)

Leila V. said...

Let me start by saying that I am never having kids, they're too much work, and I'm much too self-absorbed for that.

I can relate to being overworked, it always puts me in a rut when I'm forced to work overtime for extended periods, (but the checks are always nice, hopefully your not a salaried employee).

Leila V. said...

P.S. You wouldn't be Agent Reyes by any chance, would you?

Aimée said...


Welcome to the blog! Unfortunately I am a salaried employee but I am responding to your comment at work so its not all too bad. And do you mean Agent Reyes from the X Files? If so I wish cause she is beautiful!

Aimée said...


You were referring to the new addition to Debaser's blog, sorry- slow to pick that one up. No I am not. Agent Reyes is male according to his profile. The blog that I will eventually be a guest blogger on is Anxious Living- you can see it on my sidebar. They are ramping up a lot of posts to start cranking them out again.

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