My Story

My name is Aimée. The spelling is French and it means “Beloved” which is ironic considering how much I worry about others judging me. I grew up in a big family, in a little town right on Lake Erie, in Ohio, and currently live in Utah.

I fill many roles and titles in life. However, being the Executive Assistant to a very small, very busy little girl we’ll call “Little P” remains my greatest calling. I’m VP of Home Operations alongside my biggest supporter, my hubby, “Mr. T”. I also work 30 hours a week at home as a Customer Care Representative for a company that creates educational software for children. I am active in my church as an Activity Day Leader, working with 8-12 year old girls. My plate is full, but my cup runneth over.

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. The earliest panic attack I recall happened in high school around the year 2000. However, I wasn’t properly diagnosed with Social Anxiety until 2006. That’s when I started this blog, The Reality of Anxiety, where I found that I love helping people cope and manage their anxiety by sharing tips that I have learned through my personal experiences.

Symptoms: Everyone has different symptoms for anxiety, but here are my unique symptoms. I get a rapid heartbeat and a burning sensation in the back of my neck and  numbing tingling arms and shaky hands, but most of all, I get nauseous. It starts out as butterflies and if the panic is untreated at the beginning, a full blown panic attack always ends up with me bent over some toilet somewhere. Usually after I throw up I feel better. But I hate throwing up. Here’s why:

Some history: For years I thought my anxiety was allergies to certain foods, or having some weird stomach condition. Several doctors never pinpointed my symptoms with social anxiety, but just considered it somehow stress related.

All my life I have been skinny- too skinny. I’m not sure how our society evolved to think it’s rude to tell someone they are fat, but not rude to tell someone they are really skinny. Now I know all the fat people out there are ready to stop reading and have no sympathy for me whatsoever, and that’s ok. I don’t want your sympathy. But I think its just as insulting to deal with the criticisms about being “malnourished” looking as it is to be “over nourished”. Growing up instead of fat jokes I got nicknamed “Chicken Legs.” On a date in high school I had what I now know was an anxiety attack that caused me to throw up in my date’s car on the way home. My date and all his friends called me “Bulimic” for the rest of the year. In a society where meal proportions get bigger and bigger, I constantly heard, “That’s all you’re going to eat?” Several times in my life I have been asked by people that were just concerned about me in all seriousness if I had an eating disorder. So I began to not enjoy eating around others. I got tired of the jokes and the constant worrying that if I didn’t eat enough or perform just right that people might think something was wrong with me or that I have an eating disorder. I started to worry about being judged way before going to any event where eating was required. So I was walking into these situations already in a heightened state of anxiety and if something didn’t distract my thoughts, if I focused on it too much, I would end up hurling somewhere, which would only confirm people’s suspicions of me having an eating disorder. I know I do not suffer from bulimia or anorexia. I would love to gain weight and have tried to for years. I now know that my problem is anxiety that is triggered from the fear of being judged, and it is most prevalent around food because that is where I have been judged the most in my life. I have other fears that give me lots of anxiety such as driving, going far from home like on a vacation, or some social situations. I don’t blame my anxiety on any of the people that I have mentioned. I fully understand that it is my responsibility to determine my attitude about these situations that I have been placed in. I only use it as a guide to understand how I got to where I am today.

UPDATES:

2007: This past Holiday season was the worst it had ever been. I was so miserable it motivated me to do some serious research. I had finally figured out why my body would react the way it was around people and food. I learned it wasn’t some physical allergic reaction to the food, but instead it was my thoughts and fears causing my body to panic. So I started on a journey, my turning point. I want to work through my anxiety so that I can enjoy my birthday, Thanksgiving, and any day of the week when some coworkers want to go to Taco Bell for lunch. Knowing about my condition has made it worse in the fact that now I think about it too much before any event. Before I just thought it was some weird happenstance, but now I can provoke it more easily.

Eating around others is such a constant situation that we are all faced with on a regular basis. It’s pretty hard to avoid it like some people might avoid elevators or speaking in public. 

2009: These days my anxiety is touch and go. I sometimes have issues with eating in public, but not as much as I used to. I have done a lot of work in that area and am seeing some rewards. Lately my anxiety seems to flare up while traveling or if I get really stressed about work. 

I  know that I can change my thoughts and curb my anxiety. This blog is going to serve as a place to show my progress, setbacks and anything that helps me get through. If anyone is still reading, I hope that what I post here helps you to gain the strength and motivation to face your fear, whatever it might be, head on. You are not alone.