Feelings of Rejection Lingering

photo by Ben Larson

I had another dream last night about being rejected. This seems to be an ongoing theme to my dreams almost every night. Usually it is being rejected by men, being back in high school and getting rejected by boys I thought were cute for example. But last night’s dream had a twist. My best friend in the dream was Sara Jessica Parker (probably because I really got into the Sex and the City series and considered the relationship the women on that show had as my ‘ideal’ kind of friendship). But at the end of the dream, she decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and it really hurt.

This brought me back to some real traumatic events in my youth that I was thinking about in the shower. A lot of blog post ideas come to me in the shower. I had a best friend all growing up that lived right down the street. We were the kind of friends that are inseparable, weekly sleepovers, secret clubs, dressing alike, the works. Only in eighth grade she decided to trade me in for someone else. The rejection I felt was awful. Suddenly I had no friends. Meanwhile those two girls became the most popular throughout high school. I struggled my first year in high school as many do but mainly because I really was all alone. I eventually made a friend with a fellow cheerleader. Her name was Laura. She wasn’t as pretty as me I thought and that gave me a sense of security. (aren’t girls horrible?) We became best friends and things started getting better for me. I had a boyfriend who I consider my first love. We dated off an on for several years. At one point when we were “off”, I found out that he and my “best friend” had hooked up. This too was devastating because I had no one to talk to about it. The two closest people in my life were the ones that had hurt me. This time I went into a mini depression. My grades fell and I became a bit of a recluse. I spent almost all weekends at home alone watching tv. This continued throughout my junior and senior year of high school. Eventually I reunited with this boy (what was I thinking, I know- I ended it about a year later) but I never reconciled the friendship after that day with Laura. Why was I able to forgive him and not her? Thats another question that I never understood.

Since then I have had a hard time making friendships with girls. But I try. I have a few, but none that I consider a “best” friend. I don’t know if I will ever have one again, but I would like to.

So it’s safe to say I have some issues with rejection and trust. Why I am STILL struggling with it I have no idea. I found a nice article that talks about how to get over rejection, but I don’t know if it’s really going to help me in any way. I consider myself “over” this history but I still dream about it in one form or another almost every night. Why? Anyone have any ideas or suggestions on how to get rid of them?

I came across an article today at the AnxietyConnection that talks on Anxiety and Insomnia. Since I have posted on that recently I thought I would mention it.

One more off topic random thing. Here is a fun quote that I came across that reminds me to be silly,

“I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.” ~Dr. Theodore Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss

I would like to thank my good friend Ben for the picture I used for this post. He is a pretty great photographer and a really supportive friend.

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Warning: Anxiety Can Cause Insomnia

photo by MontanaRaven

Lately at my house we have been going to bed earlier because getting up earlier in the cold, dark mornings of fall seems so impossible. Tonight we turned the lights off at 10:00 which is pretty early, especially for a Friday night! However my mind was tired and I LOVE sleeping so I don't mind.

The last little while I have been having problems falling asleep. This has never been the case before. I used to be able to fall asleep anywhere at any time of day. Lately, when I lay down to fall asleep, I feel like I have restless leg syndrome, only its in my legs and my neck and my arms, etc. I can't get comfortable and after 30 seconds in one position I desperately have to rotate because my body is just itching to move. Previously this behavior would continue for a couple hours until sleep finally came over me, but its a horrible battle. Tonight, I got so tired of it I just got out of bed and decided to do something more productive until I got really tired.

I was doing research on insomnia and found this on eMedicinehealth.com,

"Insomnia may result from either psychological or physical causes. The most common psychological problems include anxiety, stress, and depression. In fact, insomnia may be an indicator of depression. Many people will have insomnia during the acute phases of a mental illness."

I also came across this at sleepdisordersguide.com:

"The undisputed number one cause of insomnia is excessive stress, anxiety, and depression. Almost everyone has experienced transient insomnia the night before a job interview, big presentation, wedding, or other significant personal event.

Transient insomnia usually passes after the stress-inducing event has been overcome. Chronic insomnia is more serious because it can affect an individual for an extended period of time.

Persistent stress at work or home can lead to chronic insomnia. Anxiety and depressive disorders are another major source for chronic insomnia."

Its so ironic that I love sleeping so much, but I have so much difficulty with it. I struggle to fall asleep and have awful nightmares all night long and wake up feeling like I didn't sleep a wink. Maybe thats why I think I love to sleep, cause when I truly get a good night's sleep, its so rare and wonderful that I want to have more.

Here is another interesting piece of information I found at healthscout.com,

"Insomnia is the perception or complaint of inadequate or poor-quality sleep because of difficulty falling asleep, difficulty maintaining sleep, or waking too early in the morning. These result in the feeling that sleep is not restorative and often are associated with impaired function during the day."

I always thought insomnia was just people that stayed up all night long and never slept. I didn't realize that I suffer so much from it. So right now I am frustrated. Since I am all about self diagnosing myself on the internet (which I don't recommend doing if you suffer from Hypochondria) I wonder if maybe I do have RLS. Here is what I found on the same site mentioned above,

"Restless leg syndrome (RLS) – RLS is an unpleasant tickling, burning, pricking or aching sensations in the legs that are generally only relieved with movement and tend to occur while relaxing in the evening hours. A similar and often overlapping disorder is periodic limb movement of sleep, which are the recurrent movements of the legs during sleep that may cause arousals from sleep."

Is it possible to have those same sensations in areas in addition to your legs? Anyone else have RLS?

Now I don't like labeling myself with these "conditions" for a few reasons. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me if I have chronic anxiety, chronic insomnia, and what the heck lets throw in RLS while we're at it. Its like I am ordering off of a menu. I also don't like listing everything that I think I may have because it feels like it comes across as a cry for attention when its not. I just like sharing what I am going through in case it can help someone else.

So its now after midnight (I know thats still early for lots of people but its late for me) and I don't know if I should try to go back to bed, if I should just try to fall asleep on the couch, maybe get something to drink I dunno. I don't think anything I do is really going to be a great solution at this point.

But please don't worry about me, its nothing to lose sleep over...

Has anyone else had this or a similar problem? If so any tips? Maybe I can try using them next time.

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How Dreaming About Positivity Actually Boosts My Confidence

photo by benrybobenry

I had a very unusual dream last night. I dreamt that I was getting ready to go to college and I was organizing my new “dorm” like living space. I was ok with the idea of everything and I felt confident in my ability to handle the situation of going to school and taking college courses.

Here’s why that is so interesting. I don’t really tell people this, but I am scared to death of going to college, and therefore have never set foot in a college classroom.

Why? I have no idea. I know this is an excuse, but deep down inside I grew up with the attitude that I would never go to college because it was too expensive and I would have to pay for it myself. Now I think it seems too overwhelming for some reason.

So it was interesting to me to feel so okay about taking this on. Like it was no big deal. When I woke up it made me start to wonder about if it really would be something I could do if I treated just like that, no big deal. I want to get my husband through college first, but I do know I want a degree in case I have to support my family someday.

Don’t get me wrong- I think I have done extremely well for myself for not going to college. The career that I am in has really been good to me and I have accomplished so much more than I ever thought I would.

I wonder if the dream was spurred by what I saw in one of the schools I went to in California. It was a school of mostly Hispanic children. Above the door in one of the classrooms was a poster that said “I will go to college!” The teacher had every child reach up and hit the sign and say the words out loud before they could leave for the day. I thought that was really cool. Like I said I grew up thinking, “If I wanna go to college I better start saving my pennies now!” I wonder how my attitude would have been if I had some encouragement like that in my life growing up. But I know it is ultimately my responsibility to do it so I hope you don’t misread what I am saying as a way to blame someone else for my issues- merely just thinking out loud.

Whatever the case may be, it was really cool to dream about something so positive instead of running around afraid all night long. It makes me think that maybe its something I shouldn't be so afraid of, that I really can handle it, and that is a turn for the better.

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Rejecting Rejection

photo by wuji9981
It seems that when I am not having horrible nightmares of being shot and dying, I am having dreams of being rejected. The person(s) rejecting me vary from night to night, but the theme is always the same. I am usually back in high school confronting friends, or crushes, or old flames and all of them don't want to be around me for some reason. I spend the entire night pining for their acceptance and mourning over the lack of it. I feel sad, discouraged, and lonely all night long. According to Dream Moods,

"To dream that you are being rejected, signifies a lack of self-worth and alienation of others."

Another website about the symbolism of dreams says,

"Rejection in a dream shows that the dreamer either is frustrated by non-acceptance or want to rid himself of certain feelings."

This seems to go hand in hand with yesterday's post discussing Self-Esteem. Ok so I have already admitted that my self-esteem could use some work. But this is not some dream that I have now and then. I have dreams about this almost every night. I can't stand it. I wake up feeling awful. What a way to start the day. So I don't want to do it anymore. I actually emailed a local radio station that has a dream interpreter on it once a week to have her analyze one of my dreams. I can't wait to hear her feedback. I have heard that before you go to bed you can write your dream out in a journal and then change the ending to be whatever you want it to be. Then when you have your dream, the new ending will replace the old. I should try that. Maybe I just need a dream catcher.

Any other suggestions of how to stop having these kinds of dreams? Does anyone have similar kinds of dreams?

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Safety First?

photo by Jakob Lodwick
Last night I dreamed that I was going to a family reunion and I was really nervous and anxious about "preforming" in front of my family. I woke up with my stomach all in knots and feeling anxious. I realized I was breathing pretty quickly so I tried to slow it down and take deep breaths.I fell back asleep only to have more bad dreams about my family. They weren't violent or super disturbing like some of my dreams are so thats good, but I hope it doesn't make me have anticipatory anxiety for the next time I go home.

An update to my earlier blog about morning anxiety: I did get a new bed- I went from a Queen to a California King and I love it. That means new bedding too. That hasn't been enough to stop the nightmares though. I do a pretty good job of getting around 8 hours of sleep a night. So there has to be something else I can do to make them stop. I'll have to work on it some more.

This morning I had a bad scare. I was booting up the computer in my bedroom when I heard the doorbell ring. Normally I answer but I was home alone, and there have been warnings on the radio of daytime home robberies raising in our area. What they are doing is knock on doors and if someone answers they act like they have the wrong house and if no one answers then they try the doorknob and go in. Everyone that I could think of that would be stopping by should have been at church so I figured it was probably a door to door salesman (they are stopping by ALL the time in the summer) or someone like that. So I ignored the door. Plus my two dogs bark like crazy so I figured they are a pretty good reason for robbers to go to the next house instead of try mine. So after a good 5 minutes, the doorbell rang again and I started to get nervous. So I went to my closet to put some clothes on and debated opening it or not. Suddenly I hear the door open and someone came inside. I cowered in my closet and didn't know if I should close the door and hide in there or if I should confront whoever it was. I racked my brain trying to figure out who it could be and scrambled to put a shirt on. I heard the person calling my dogs by name and putting them in the backyard. I didn't recognize the voice and wasn't really comforted that they knew my dogs name. I went out to see who it was and it was my brother in law that came to work on my basement. I didn't think he would have come because he is an avid church goer and I thought thats where he would have been. I was so scared when someone came in. But I was relieved it was a family member. I guess I should lock the door when I am home alone in the future.

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Broken and Bruised

photo by Navarta

Last night was horrible in sooo many ways. First off, I was doing laundry and I am not used to where some new furniture has been placed so I ran right into a nightstand with my knee because the laundry I was carrying blocked my view. I dropped everything and hit the floor it hurt so bad. It started bruising immediately and I have a nice muscle bruise about the size of a golf ball on my leg that shoots pain anytime I move. I then successfully stubbed my toes on one of my barstools. Granted I am a bit of a clutz and am always covered in bruises that I have no idea how I got them. [No, Ty doesn’t beat me ;)]

That night was full of nightmares. First I dreamed about a woman that got kidnapped and she was tortured and they put it all on television. Very weird. Than I dreamt that Tyler and I were trying to save her and we got shot, and no one was helping us. Paramedics came and gave me an oxygen mask and then left again and never returned. The mask wasn’t helping and I couldn’t breathe. I could feel myself blacking out as if I was dying and I couldn’t figure out why the paramedics weren’t coming back. It woke me up gasping for breath and crying. Plus when I woke up my sore throat was the worst it has been so far. After a few minutes of recovery, I fell back asleep to dream about my brother in law dying unexpectedly and I spent the rest of the night crying and grieving in my dream and trying to console his wife, my sister-in-law. It was so horrible. I woke up with my neck stiff and exhausted and anxious. Then I realized I had never turned my alarm clock on so I was an hour late. So I had to get up and hurry to get ready for work. It was the first time I woke up feeling anxious in a few weeks.

Tyler thinks maybe my nightmares are from watching too much Court TV. It’s my favorite channel and I love a good murder mystery just not when I’m in it! I do watch a lot of crime shows I admit and its possible that may play a role somehow.

Today is the day I have been dreading all month. I have a bridal luncheon and a wedding reception tonight. I’m leaving in about 30 minutes so I hope my luck will turn around. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

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The Power of Nightmares

photo by Kinryuu JFJ
Last night was a terrible night of sleep full of nightmares that had me tossing and turning and waking up crying. It was one of those kind where I am being pursued all night by people that are trying to kill me and it seems so real and so terrifying. When I finally wake up I am so stressed out it doesn't feel like I got any sleep at all, and it puts me in a depressed mood.

I tend to have nightmares pretty regularly. They are of different kinds, sometimes I am driving and I can’t reach the brakes and so I am flying through traffic and can’t stop. Other times its people that are out to kill me and my family. The other night in my dream my jaw wouldn’t open and I had to try to talk with my mouth closed. Sometimes my eyelids won’t open and I wander around blind all night long struggling to see. I get so emotionally involved that its entirely draining, to the point where I consider taking the day off from work to recuperate. This morning it hit me how these nightmares are a continuation of my anxiety all through the night. I don’t get the down time I need, the relaxation that is necessary to function at full capacity the next day. Tyler (my spouse) has gotten used to me waking up in a panic in the middle of the night and he is so good about holding me until I feel better and can fall back asleep. He’s my sanity sometimes I swear.

There are theories out there that suggest nightmares or dreams in general are a way for your subconscious to send you messages about what needs changing in your life.

I found a website that lists a way to understand what your nightmares are trying to tell you:

· chase or attack : The pursuer usually represents a fearful aspect of our shadow, and hence an exaggerated version of a denied or inhibited portion of our own personality that would benefit us if integrated and appropriately expressed. (ideal outcome: standing our ground, facing and dialoguing with our pursuer, and eventually, acceptance and embrace)

· falling dream : Am I feeling heavy, unsupported, worried about something? How can I feel freer, lighter? Also: do I need to be more grounded? (ideal outcome: feeling safe, landing, floating or flying)

· car out of control : Is life too hectic, out of control? How could I slow down, act more peacefully and "enjoy the ride"? (ideal outcome: driving well & within speed limits, walking peacefully)

· unprepared, late for or failing an exam : Am I feeling unprepared for some upcoming event? Unconfident about my performance? Am I worrying needlessly or do I actually need more preparation in order to feel confident and do a good job? (ideal outcome: feeling assured about oneself, performing well)

· stuck in slow motion, unable to move or make any noise : Where am I feeling stuck in life, like I’m getting nowhere or unable to voice my true feelings? What can I do to change it? (ideal outcome: relaxation and acceptance, and eventually, peaceful action & self-expression)

· embarrassed to be nude or naked in public, though nobody seems to notice or mind : Where in life am I feeling unconfident, embarrassed, unskilled? This type of dream is usually pointing out, by the fact that the other characters in the dream don’t seem to notice, that we are the only one viewing our self this way, and usually mistakenly so. (ideal outcome: comfortable with oneself as is, confident)

· personal injury, dismemberment : What part of my life—not usually the physical body—have I been neglecting, mistreating, forgetting—i.e. dis-membering as opposed to remembering? (ideal outcome: healing)

· trapped, locked in : Where am I feeling trapped in life? How might I open myself up to a new perspective, and explore new courses of action? (ideal outcome: breaking out, exploration)

· drowning, threatening waves, tsunami (tidal waves) or flooding : Am I blocking, denying or feeling overwhelmed by my emotions? How might I better acknowledge, accept, and feel these feelings—which often include vulnerability? (ideal outcome: swimming, surfing, breathing underwater)

· helpless, abandoned, or crying baby, monkey, bunny or small animal : Have I been taking care of my "inner child"? Maybe I need to laugh more, play outdoors, express my creativity, be more spontaneous, or enjoy more personal warmth and intimacy? (ideal outcome: caring for baby or animal, playing, simply having fun)

Another theory I have heard is that at night your brain takes all the miscellaneous thoughts from the day and tries to organize them into something that makes sense and creates these dreams as a way of filing them together somewhere.

I don't know what theory I believe, but I am pretty confident that many insecurities and issues that I struggle with in my daily life are taking on a life of their own at night in my head. I have no idea how to stop it. Any thoughts or suggestions out there?

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