Wednesday, August 1, 2007

When Do the Walls Come Down?

First off, I apologize for not posting yesterday about goals like I originally planned. I was without a computer for most of the night and I can't find my book that discusses what I wanted to talk about. So in the meantime I will list the book in case anyone is interested in it, and hopefully I will find it soon and post on the topic. The book/manual is called "Getting An Edge- Student Edition" and has a lot of really good stuff on making short and long term goals. So I will try to find it.

In the meantime, I have my friend Rachel coming over tonight. We are going to make some magnet boards to give to our other friend Lindsey for her bridal shower. I am nervous about tonight in the fact that I worry we will run out of things to talk about and there could be some awkward silence.

I forget what its like to not have to work at a friendship. I remember having best friends in high school or growing up where I felt completely comfortable around them. My walls were down and I was outgoing. We had sleepovers where we would tell our secrets and ogle over boys we liked, talk about things we had in common like school, and jam to music in the car- singing our hearts out.

Now I feel like its all about keeping the other person entertained. Do they have enough to eat or drink? Are they having fun? What should we talk about now? Do I look okay? Am I acting appropriately? All these worries swirl through my head and sure I still have fun but its limited somehow. I don't feel like we are truly friends yet because its still a performance. Its like the dating scene all over again! I can't let my guard down, the walls are up and firmly in place.

So I hope that things go well tonight. Maybe someday we will reach that kind of friendship that I remember, or maybe I am just being naive.

How are all of you doing?

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4 comments:

Helene said...

((Aimee)

I'm sure everything will be alright tonight. Remember, silences aren't always awkward. And if you do run out of things to talk about, how about telling her just that? "Wow, I'm a bit nervous right now, I don't know what to talk about!" Or let her know about your condition? You don't need to go into details.

You can also have the radio or some music on in the background, so if there are silences, you can listen to that music and relax. How about that chill playlist of yours?

So I went to a support group last night. My cousin referred me to it and she was there, so it was easier to have someone I know in the group. I had a similar moment to the one you described in the post "You Never Know What Others Are Struggling With". Here I was with 6 other people who have or had anxiety. And they looked totally normal. And a lot of what's been said in the meeting sounded like your blog. Thanks for writing it :)

Molly said...

Remember what you learned from your friend that was honest with you recently. So the same...be upfront about your worries and maybe this tactic will allow you both to connect and it will also show her that you are comfortable enough with her to be honest!

Take Care

Debaser said...

Not sure how old you are, but I noticed that when a few of my friends got older and did the marriage thing and all that, they turned into much different people. It's as if they're conforming to what society expects of them. I have a lot of friends who got older and retained their personality, thankfully.

Don't bother about being a good host (hostess?). Just be yourself. You don't entertain friends...you hang out with them. You entertain your boss when he comes over to dinner with his wife and spoiled kid.

Molly said...

Hey girlie....
....worried about you, not used to this much space between your posts! Hope all is well!

Take Care of you!

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