Friday, May 25, 2007

Fear of Being Who I Am

Fear: "the unreasonable overestimation of some threat, coupled with an underestimation of your ability to cope." -The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, Fourth Edition by Bourne
I am trying to stay positive and optimistic and say life right now is very "interesting" instead of many more ugly words that come to mind. It is true after all, that everything I am experiencing has some degree of growth and learning potential. But here I am back at the beginning where food in general is a problem because I am anxious all the time and I have no appetite. Any heavy meals sounds awful just like it would if you were nauseas from food poisoning. But I know I need to eat something and slowly get my appetite back. So I do this with snacks. I eat small amounts of high calorie foods such as tapioca puddings, crackers, cheese sticks, high calorie drinks, etc. as often as I comfortably can. Its important to go at my own pace otherwise I run the risk of re sensitizing myself and I'll have to start over again. Eventually when I become more comfortable and less anxious on a constant basis, I will upgrade to larger amounts of food.

Here is an interesting article I came across today:

With my fear of eating around others, it works very similar. I am usually just fine with snack foods and small casual meals around people I am comfortable with. The worst extreme situation is a fancy sit down meal like Thanksgiving for example. Sitting in a restaurant, even fast food place can be too much to where I can't handle it unless I properly prepare myself in advance. This explains all the birthday meals growing up where I ended up sick at the end of the night. All the attention was on me while I was eating and I couldn't handle it. Why my body reacts by throwing up I have no idea. I wish I knew why it was that and not passing out or hyperventilating. Its just how my body deals with it I guess.

So now I know and you know. You know how I feel and why I might act awkward at family gatherings and why I feel sick a lot- usually because any family function revolves around food. I know that my fear is irrational and there is no reason for it, however its a fight or flight response that my body has grown accustomed to and now I am trying to deal with the unpleasantries of my mind and body screaming for an escape anytime I am faced with that kind of situation.

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