Worst Fears Sometimes Do Come True

Happy to say that my little boy finally came on Nov 23rd. He is such a blessing and a little sweetheart. Meet Paxton:

Most of the time I tell myself I am worrying for no reason, and alot of times my fears are very silly and I know it. And that is usually the case. But I admit I am a big wuss, and I was really concerned about the pain of delivering a baby again. So I did everything I could think of to prepare.

• I switched doctors and hospitals to be able to deliver at one that was right down the street. 
• I took a tour of the hospital to be more familiar with where I needed to go.
• I spoke with my doctor and the hospital personel about how I deliver very quickly.
• I watched videos about how to breathe during labor and I practiced. 
• I wrote out my positive affirmations and packed them in my hospital bag.
• I created a playlist of peaceful songs on my ipod.

However, it is very unfortunate and sad and scary to say that my worst fears about his delivery ultimately came true and that no matter how much I prepared, my fate was ultimately in the hands of other people.

For the first two hours of contractions I was really proud of myself. I did my breathing exercises and handled the contractions really well. I was in good spirits because I figured my epidural would be coming any minute and I could hang on until then. To make a really long story short, even though I told the staff I wanted an epidural as soon as possible and that I deliver very quickly, it still took them 2.5 hrs from the time I asked for it to get it to me and the first epidural only numbed my legs, not the contractions. So by the time I got the correct dosage, it was too late. I ended up delivering my baby naturally and then had the epidural kick in afterwards. Not trying to scare any women out there, but it was the most painful experience of my life. It was a nightmare come true. I still get angry when I think about it. The worst part was that I was in so much pain, obviously so, and the nurses were just moseying around like they see it everyday, no big deal, no need to rush to help me out. Luckily since I deliver quickly the whole torturous event only lasted 4 hours. All I can conclude from the experience is that if I ever have another baby, I will learn how to deliver naturally not because I want to, but because its the only way I can be in control if I need to be.

So after a long break of sleepless nights and lots of baby spit up, I think I am finally ready to take back my life and get things rolling again. Thanks for all of the well wishes sent my way, I really appreciate them.

Anyone else ever feel like they had to rely on others to help them in a scary situation? Did they come through for you or were you let down?

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Panic Attacks Triggered by Labor Pains

Lately I have been getting more and more nervous about delivering this baby. With my first child, I was very oblivious to what labor was like.

Let me preface by stating that I am a HUGE wuss when it comes to pain. A lot of woman try to be tough when delivering babies and it seems like a contest to see who can go the longest without an epidural. I commend the women who do it naturally. If that works for you than great. I on the other hand, just wanted to survive the experience. Before going to the hospital I had imagined that before any real pain or discomfort started surely in this day and age I would be pumped with pain medications. But while waiting to determine if I was in true active labor, and while waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back to the hospital since they sent him home for the night, I experienced a lot of pain and was very much unprepared for the agony I felt while waiting for an epidural. I have a distinct memory of burying my face into the bed, holding onto the bed rails and kicking my legs, literally writing in pain.

Then after getting my epidural, the rest was a piece of cake. But I learned just how unprepared I was for those first few hours. 

Now that I know better, whenever a small contraction starts I have immediately gone into panic mode.

Yesterday I went to the doctor and they checked me and told me that I could go pretty much anyday. Last night, I had several contractions while trying to go to sleep. I started shaking uncontrollably. I had a hard time catching my breath or my thoughts. I was petrified that I would soon experience the hard excruciating labor pains that I did the first time around.

I realize I am also worried about not being in control of the situation. I tried to schedule an induction because that would help me feel more in control of the when and how, but unfortunately my doctor will only do those after 39 weeks and she doesn't think I will last that long. I scheduled one anyway as a plan B, but I know that I am going to have to figure this out for the surprise middle of the night scenario.

Because I am feeling extreme anticipatory anxiety I know I need to sort out all of my thoughts just like I would for any other trigger and hopefully that will help me. My plan is to research more about breathing techniques (related to labor) that I can use as well as some helpful coping statements I can refer to to help control my thoughts.

I have attached my exercise I did to help address my fears. I plan to print it out and keep it in my hospital bag so I can refer to it when I need it.

An Update to Get You Through the Day

I've had some people asking for an update. I know that I am not the best at posting on a regular basis. Its not that I don't care, but rather I don't want to put lame posts up that were created just so I can say I posted. I want the quality of posts to be better than the quantity if that makes sense. This means when my anxiety is up, usually I have more posts, and when my anxiety isn't really bothering me much, than my post count goes down. Just more proof that anxiety comes and goes like a roller coaster.

Lately, I haven't been having many issues with my anxiety. I think I am in a good place right now with my pregnancy. The beginning of the pregnancy didn't help out with my anxiety like I thought it would, but I think by the second trimester eventually my hormones leveled off to a good place :) I am due in about a month and it will be interesting to see if I continue to do well while nursing or if the anxiety returns.

Some of the best life lessons can be found in simple childrens' stories, songs, and poems. So here are a couple fun quotes from the best children authors to help you through the day:

 “Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

-Shel Silverstein

 "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Suess

Hope everyone is doing well!

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Discipline and Peace in the Home

I have tried very hard to make my home my sanctuary. A place that I can rely on as a safe haven from my anxiety. A place that promotes peace and love. However lately I have noticed that delicate balance shifting. As my sweet little baby girl has been growing up and turning into a full blown whining, tantrum throwing two year old, I find myself struggling with discipline. Specifically, the balance with myself and my spouse. 

As new parents we are both trying to figure out our parenting style and come up with a consistent method of discipline, but it gets difficult. When you feel like you have no idea what you are doing, or feel like you don't know what you should do, and the whining and crying doesn't stop, it can be FRUSTRATING. When I am alone with her I can handle the time outs and there are no anxiety related problems. But when my husband is disciplining her, I get very uneasy. I don't like feeling out of control and I don't like seeing Mr. T frustrated. Even if he isn't frustrated, I am worried that he will be.

We don't spank and we try our best to keep our cool and not raise our voices. But I am still worried about losing that peaceful spirit we have whenever a tantrum erupts or maybe when the 5th tantrum of the day erupts. We'll take turns when we've had it to get refreshed. Sometimes I will even walk outside and take a few deep breaths.

So I am not sure where to go from here. I guess this is more of an observation post about new triggers in my life. As my life is changing and I overcome old triggers, new ones are developing.

I've noticed that any disruption of the peace in my home is a cause for me to feel anxious, not just discipline. But this particular instance is a daily occurrence right now.  Looking at the bigger picture, I feel that I need to learn how to better deal with confrontation in general.

Anyone else have any suggestions or any stories of similar triggers?

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Feeding Our Hungry Souls

Today has been one of those days. I'm big and tired and I feel a little lost. I clean the house to have it dirtied just as fast and I wonder why I bother. I'm a little sad, but really for no reason. Today is one of those days where my soul is hungry. Give me purpose!

I came across this video of a local woman who is also a blogger. I've heard her story before and to see this really touched me. She and her husband survived a plane crash and this is a little bit about their life now. She was even on Oprah at one time. No matter what your religion or personal beliefs, there are really great lessons about life and family in this woman's story.




Just what my heart needed today. I really feel it is important to feed our souls daily with inspiration, motivation, or some form of meditation. Something to help us reflect on the big picture and realign ourselves with the present instead of always living in fear of the future. I'm not always good at doing this everyday, but when I don't, I feel my anxiety swallowing me whole.

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I'm Being Followed by a Moon Crater!

Do you remember in junior high when you would get that one extremely large pimple on your face and it would destroy your self esteem? You couldn't look anyone in the eye and tried at all costs to cover the spot with your hand. It felt like a huge spotlight was on it  and everyone was laughing at you. My brothers and sisters would taunt each other singing "You're being followed by a moon crater, moon crater, moon crater!" to the Moonshadow song.

TMI ALERT! if you are easily grossed out, you may not want to keep reading.
I have been blessed with this special gift I like to call forced humility even now when I am 27 years old. Occasionally I will get a nickel sized infection on my chin that scabs over like a cut or cold sore would and takes a week or two to go away. Nothing makeup can cover though I try heaven knows. I've only had it about three times over the last ten years but each time I get it, I think I am either really stressed or my immune system is down. But when I get it, oh man do I feel so embarrassed. It's hard enough to deal with social situations without the additional worries!

Well this last week I got it. Just in time for when my whole family came to town. I couldn't stop thinking about what I would say to them when they asked me what it was. I went over my medical explanation over and over on the drive to meet them. It makes me feel to some degree like a leper must have felt. When I showed up and greeted everyone, I surprisingly veered way off my planned course and just announced to everyone that I was aware of the invasion on my face and they shouldn't be alarmed or something similarly sarcastic. My sisters laughed and told me they didn't even notice it nor would have if I hadn't pointed it out, nor did they care. I guess now that we are older the moon crater song has been forgotten. But I felt better because it was out in the open and I didn't have to try to hide it or explain it or worry whether people had noticed. I could relax a bit more and try not to think about it.

I've decided to look at it like I mentioned earlier. As an opportunity to be humbled and as a reminder to not judge those around me so critically.

Anyone else ever have these humbling teaching moments?

On a side note, I have the best readers ever. Its so silly that I could get so worked up over one lousy comment when there are so many other wonderful people out there that are looking out for me everyday. Thank you to everyone that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside when I really needed it. I hope I can someday return the favor.

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Warning: MY "Incessant Monologues" are "Hardly Interesting and Certainly not Helpful"

As I was checking my email today, I received a comment notification that someone left on the blog. I was shocked as I read it, and although its not flattering I decided to publish it anyway. I decided to post about it as opposed to replying in the comment section. Here is what the person said,

"My take on this site, incessant monologues and content:

ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, Me, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.

ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.

Hardly interesting and certainly not helpful.

Yes, management of any condition is crucial and continual. But until you address the underlying events and sources....forget it.

Your daily doodlings and cake talk are a disservice as the fake smiles and cute fonts mask any acknowledgment of underlying issues. It's denial in my opinion.

Yes, affirmations are great. Coping mechanisms are great. Some therapies are great. Anything that helps and is healthy is a positive direction.

What concerns me is your self branded character is simply that, unsubstantiated unvalidated diary entries making lite of a real medical condition.

This site should be renamed: "MY reality of MY anxiety".

Any person in search of real data and hopeful of achieving real results (founded on medical data and empirical research) should avoid this site.

M."

Really? Seriously?

I am all for reviews and comments, good or bad, but this was a bit on the harsh side on my opinion. I guess I was under the impression that people who suffer from social anxiety was more sensitive to the feelings of others, but I guess this is not always the case. Rather than let this ruin what was starting out to be a good day, I have decided to leave my thoughts on this and then forget about it and move on.

Let me explain what I believe this site is so as to not confuse anyone. This site is a BLOG. A blog as stated by dictionary.com is "an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page." Of course this is not a site strictly about the medical aspect of anxiety although I do dabble in that at times. There are PLENTY of medical websites out there and I am not a doctor. I post journal like entries, about me, because that's all I can speak for. I am not about to tell you how you feel or what your symptoms are. I try to provide personal experiences that other people can relate with and hopefully learn from my mistakes or my successes. Its a place to draw inspiration, motivation, information, and mainly SUPPORT.

This site is a place that I spend a lot of time and therefore I like to make it a place that is comfortable and uplifting. I want it to be different from all the formal looking medical websites that are out there because again, its a BLOG.

I have learned in life that no matter how hard you try, you cannot please everyone and someone out there isn't going to like you.

Anyway, I could go on but I don't think it would do any good. In other news, I quit blogging for HealthyPlace.com because I didn't like how neglected this site had become. Hopefully I'll be able to post more interesting and helpful blog posts in the future.

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