Master Rather than Victim of My Mind

photo by tibbly
This morning I woke up and again I felt defeated without even getting out of bed. I thought things like, "Here we go again." "Another day of struggling." "I don't want to deal with this today" "This is so hard." I get out of bed with this horrible attitude of self defeat, sometimes not even realizing it, it sometimes is just a feeling in my stomach that puts me in a negative frame of mind. I really want to work on this because it does set the mood for my day and makes it so much harder to stay positive and not fall into the role of the Victim. All along I have been thinking that I am not really effected very much by the negative self talk of The Victim, but I am realizing that this self defeating attitude I face in the mornings really is The Victim creeping into my life and ruining my confidence, self respect and motivation.

So I need to stop sabotaging my recovery. I need to stop acting like I am a Victim of circumstances, and realize the affirmation I tell myself all the time: "I am in control of my life." I need to start the day with more positive thinking. The first step is to get rid of the idea that its definitely going to be a hard or bad day. I don't know if it will be a hard day or not, but telling myself that will make it hard. So if I wake up feeling bad I should say to myself "This might be hard today, but I can handle it. I can do this." I want to become Master of my mind and not a Victim of it. So heres my challenge to myself. The next day I wake up feeling scared, hopeless, or annoyed about having to start the process all over, I am going to try to remember to think of any of these positive affirmations instead:
(found at www.bmindful.com)

I am strong.

I can do this.

I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I break the end vision into achievable chunks

Every day, I make at least one step that takes me closer to my goals.

I am confident, competent and calm

I am a motivated person.

I have the power to control my health.

I am in control of my health and wellness.

I do not fear being unhealthy because I know that I control my own body.

I am creating healing energy in my life

My thoughts are under my control.

I am taking care of my mental health every day

Maybe I will write one out on a note card and put it on my nightstand or on the bathroom mirror or in my closet so I can see it when I wake up.

Also, I am trying really hard this week to do yoga everyday if possible, and to eat something for every meal. Even if its a small something, I don't want to get into the habit of skipping meals altogether. Also I am trying to follow the good advice of my sister. Make every bite count. So if I can only eat a little something, it will be packed with calories and be very nutritious. So far, so good.

The following is an excerpt from the book "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook Fourth Edition". I didn't list the whole passage but enough of it to remind me about how I am in control of my life and can choose to feel fear or replace it with peace:

"Focusing on a fear always makes it worse. I can change my focus to loving, supportive constructive ideas. I can't make fearful thoughts go away. Struggling with them only makes them loom larger. Instead I can redirect my mind to more peaceful calming thoughts and circumstances. Every time I do this I am choosing Peace instead of Fear.The more I choose peace, the more it becomes a part of my life.With practice I get better at redirecting my mind. I learn how to spend less time focusing on fear. I grow stronger in my ability to choose wholesome, helpful thoughts over fearful ones. I make time to relax- to reconnect with that place deep within myself that is always at peace. When I make time to do this, I can choose to move away from fearful thoughts. I can allow my mind to expand into a wider place that is much larger than my fearful thoughts. When I relax or meditate my mind becomes deep enough to transcend fear.

I'm learning to see that my fearful thought grossly overestimate risk or threat. The true risk I face in most situations is actually very small. True its impossible to eliminate risk from life altogether.

I'm learning to recognize my tendency to exaggerate risk, to blow them out of proportion. Every fear involves both overestimating the threat of danger and underestimating my ability to cope.

The important thing is not to feed fear. Not to dwell on it or give it energy..."

I no longer want to feed my fear or my Victim within. Only my tummy :)

Looks like Someone’s Got a Case of the Mondays

photo by dogfaceboy

So today is Monday, and Mondays for me are filled with meetings and social situations and ya know, stuff- that could result in anxiety. It starts off with an early morning meeting directed by the CEO that I have to be on time for and sound somewhat intelligent in. So I stress about getting up and getting ready and leaving the house on time. This morning I left 15 minutes earlier than I usually do. The roads seemed determined to make me late as I sat in construction for ten minutes and then went 20mph down the freeway for some accident or who knows what. I made it to work and walked into the meeting only 3 minutes late, not bad. I wasn’t the last one to arrive. Then after the meeting I was so busy getting work in order that I hardly remembered to take my medicine. The other issue with this Monday is that it is Age Planning which means we all gather in a conference room with pizza and plan out the next two weeks worth of work. I am struggling right now just to eat a muffin and grape juice for breakfast so I know I won’t want any of that pizza. So I am going to go in with the attitude and affirmation that I made up and worked with over the weekend, “I am learning that I don’t have to eat to please others. I only need to eat to please myself.” So hopefully in 5 minutes if there is pizza I will be strong and say “I don’t want any thanks.” If someone asks me about it and the most important part- NOT WORRY about what they might think of that statement. I think I can do it.

** So it turns out the meeting didn’t have pizza in it today so I dodged that bullet. Which just goes to show you shouldn’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.

The next meeting that happens on Monday is where you go to a group of people that are called “The Customer” and report on what you did the last two weeks and what you plan to do for the next two weeks. Many people like to refer to this meeting as “Going to the Principal’s office”. They also have a display of snacks and goodies out on the table for people to munch on. I will sometimes load up my plate with a few things and nibble on some in the meetings, then take the rest back to my cube. The meeting in general always makes me nervous.

The last thing is my hour drive to my therapist. The drive itself is the stressor as I am not comfortable with driving places I am not familiar with and going to her is still relatively new. I think I will be ok today though, since I made it there last week on time and without getting lost. Also I am not super comfortable with her yet so its all a little awkward still.

These Monday meetings and social situations always heighten my overall level of anxiety throughout the entire day.

So here it is at lunchtime and I have had a glass of grape juice and half of a muffin for breakfast. I can tell that I am a little bit hungry but nothing sounds good and I am still anxious about eating in general. It feels like lately it takes me all day long to get the courage to eat anything substantial. I start out nibbling on breakfast, nibbling on lunch, and then have a solid dinner and maybe snack. I don’t know why. Let me try to talk it out:

Situation: Not really wanting to eat lunch alone in my cubicle, even though I can tell my body needs food.

Q: What am I telling myself to make me feel this way?

Automatic Thoughts: What if I can only eat a little bit and then I will feel bad about myself?

Rational Response: Eating only a little bit is better than not eating at all. Eventually the more little bits I eat the more comfortable I will be with eating and I can start to challenge myself to eat more. But baby steps. I only need to go as far as I want to. There is no reason to feel bad about myself. I am already worthy as a person and I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I love myself just the way I am now.

I still don't feel very much better about lunch but I will give it a shot.

Humbling Adversity But Not Alone

photo by herby_fr
This morning when I woke up it was the same as other mornings where my stomach was already twisted in anxiety. I was annoyed with my body- it’s like it wouldn’t even give the day a chance it just has to start out with the attitude of failure. So I laid in bed and I did some deep breathing exercises telling myself positive affirmations to try to calm my stomach. I felt good enough to get in the shower. Somehow the positive statements I was telling myself really put me in a good mood because after my shower I felt great. I felt like I could take on the world. Then as quick as I felt it come I could feel it leave me as I started to realize my stomach was growling. I told myself that was a good thing. But my worry wasn’t that I was hungry but more of that I would have to eat breakfast and that seems to be hard for me these days. I was overgeneralizing. That means that because I’ve had one bad experience in a particular situation I assume that bad experience will always repeat itself in similar situations. I struggle with overgeneralizing a lot, and I have a hard time rationalizing myself to think otherwise. Something to work on. So I said a prayer in my closet that I could feel the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost and feel my Heavenly Father’s love for me. Then I made myself some chocolate weight gainer so that if I was having issues with breakfast I could maybe drink some calories. It’s easier for me to drink than to eat sometimes.

So on my drive to work I started to think about the Jesus. Sometimes when I am struggling with something I like to think of Jesus and a time in His life where He might have felt the same way. I know He felt fear and anxiety but I was trying to think of a time where He might have felt the intense phobic fear that I sometimes feel. And then it hit me. The Atonement. When He suffered in Gethsemane it was for my sins but also for my pains and sufferings. He struggled there feeling EXACTLY what I am feeling everyday in order to be able to help me now. He knows how I am feeling. He’s been there, for me and for everyone. It made me feel not so alone and a sense of peace and love. My prayer was answered.

So when I got to work I took my time and took my pills and nibbled on a roll. All morning long I had to do deep breathing because the anxiety kept coming back. But the breathing worked a little bit. I kept telling myself, “There’s no need to push myself.” So I have been successfully keeping my anxiety this morning between a 1 and 3 mainly with my breathing exercises.

Today I am not feeling hopeless, but I am feeling tired. This is so hard. I know it’s my adversity to bear but sometimes it is all consuming never ending and I hate it. I am blessed to live a pretty comfortable lifestyle, I have a home that I love, a good job, and although I am not rich by any means, I am not lining up for welfare or handouts so I consider myself blessed. If this is a challenge that I am given than I accept it. It just sucks and today I am tired and sad that its mine. It’s very humbling, telling the people around you that you are struggling with something. It’s nice to let people know so I don’t have to hide it and they can understand, but it’s extremely embarrassing too. I am not perfect, but who is right?

Theres No Need To Push Myself

Photo by Brittney Bush

Yesterday was a really good day. I started off by taking all my pills (Zoloft, a little Clonozapam to help with my initial anxiety, Vitamin B and then a One a Day Women’s Vitamin pill). I was able to eat breakfast with only a minor bit of anxiety (1 on the scale) and then surprisingly at noon I was hungry. I ate lunch until I felt full and then surprisingly again I wanted to eat more later, so I had a few snacks. Then when I got home I was hungry for dinner and ate right away. I was so excited that I had an appetite and I was able to eat. It was a good day.

This morning was not so good. I think that subconsciously I wanted it to be as good a day as yesterday. I started off by taking my pills and started to eat a banana. I could feel the anxiety growing past 1 to 2, to 3 maybe even 4 (See Anxiety Scale Post for more info). I tried listening to my positive affirmations and that seemed to only make me think about it more so I stopped. I tried breathing but I couldn’t get a deep breath from my stomach. I was breathing pretty fast and high in my chest. I retreated to the bathroom where I tried to think through my situation. I thought to myself “What am I saying to make me feel this way?” I returned to my desk and got out my journal to help me figure it out and I responded, “I have to eat breakfast, I have to improve, I have to have a good day like yesterday. I have to stop feeling this way.” The Perfectionist was shining through all mean and demanding and ugly.

photo by myrtepeert

So I questioned the worst case scenario- “What if I got sick? What if I couldn’t eat breakfast or lunch or had no appetite? What if I stopped improving?” I responded with, “So what! So I get sick. So I skip breakfast. So I wait until my body tells me it’s hungry instead of forcing food down it. So what if the day isn’t perfect. Life will go on, I will go on. Then I focused on one of my positive counterstatements, “There’s no need to push myself.” I read them over and over from my journal but my mind was still racing and it really wasn’t doing anything. So I got a scrap piece of paper and started writing the affirmation out- in cursive. “There’s no need to push myself. I can take as small a step forward as I choose.” Still, the cursive was to fast. And the word forward was bothering me because it was making me feel bad that I wasn’t necessarily moving forward. So I took that one out and I made myself print each letter and read it as I went. “There is no need to push myself” until I had written it out ten times on the piece of paper. Then I could feel my heart slowing down and I started to believe it.

It also might have something to do with the fact that its pizza day. That’s when the whole company gets pizza for lunch. It always makes me anxious just going up and assembling around the pizza and having to pile my plate. I usually bring it back down to my desk to eat it. Which is what I will do today but I think there is some anticipatory anxiety there as well. So I have about an hour before the pizza comes. While I am in a calmer state right now I am going to prepare myself for the event. What am I telling myself that is making me a little anxious about getting pizza? “What if someone comments that I am not taking enough food? What if someone wants me to eat with them? What if I can’t eat it because I feel sick? What if…?”

photo by Cam17

Ahh so it’s the Worrier now, making me so upset over something that hasn’t even happened.

photo by Son of Groucho

Ok so now I will respond to these worries. “If someone comments that I am not eating enough or taking enough food, so what! I can tell them that I am not very hungry and not worry about what their reaction might be. If they pass judgment on me what’s the worst that could happen? People are going to not like me or think ill of me no matter how “perfect” I might try to be. So I should stop trying to please them and do what I want, because I’m the one that has to eat it.” “If someone wants me to eat with them I will if I am calm, but if I feel anxious I will politely say, ‘I have a lot of work to do so I need to get back to my desk,’ or I can be honest like my therapist said and say something like, ‘You know, its weird but I tend to lose my appetite when I am eating around others, so I can come and sit with you but I might not eat very much.’ And it might sound awkward but what’s the worst that could happen? They could again pass judgment on me but I have to learn that it’s their problem if they think ill of me, not mine and that I am being me which is the most important thing!” “If I feel sick and I don’t want to eat, than don’t eat. My body will tell me when it is hungry and there is no need to push myself. I can take pizza down to my desk and put it in the fridge for later when I am feeling better.

In going along with this theme I have stopped counting calories and weighing myself until I am more comfortable with eating in general so it won't aggravate the Perfectionist! Its been tough, I pass the scale a couple times and want to but I tell myself no, no good will come of that now, I am not ready for that step yet.

The important thing to remember right now is that I am already worthy as a person and I don’t have to prove my worth to people. I am already OK just the way I am. And the counter statement I want to focus on the most today is “There is no need to push myself.” I think I might make it somehow visible in my cube where I can see it as a daily reminder to myself.

The exciting thing about today is that I successfully managed an anxiety attack before I let it get out of control. I was able to use the coping skills I have been learning about in the book Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Bourne which is a sign of hope and progress in itself- a different kind of progress from yesterday.

Hold Your Head Up High

Photo by MuzikFreec
Today I went to see my Counselor, Therapist, Social Worker, whatever you want to call her. It was nice to talk to someone who could understand how I felt and was willing to listen to me. She made a few good points but it all really boils down to me having to learn to not worry about what other people think of me. If I can accept myself the way I am and not worry if other people accept me or not, than it will help reduce my anxiety attacks.

So how do you do it? How do you live your life and not care if people are spreading rumors and talking about you behind your back? And why do I care so much? I'm a people pleaser, but I have to learn to hold my head up high and accept and love myself. I found an awesome article on this subject that was an eye opener:

"Depending on your emotional balance you may often find yourself caring or worrying about things that you feel are beyond your influence. By this I mean other people, their thoughts about you, personal possession that are of value to you or even your own personal growth in various areas. What other people think of you is something that so many people today have a problem finding an inner balance to. How do you advance your personal growth without having to face the resistance of what others think of you and your pursuits?

The first step in this process is to clearly separate caring and worrying from each other. Worrying is in the negative spectrum of thoughts/emotions while caring is in the positive spectrum of thoughts/emotions. The path to easier personal growth depends on understanding this vital first step. You should not stop caring about what others think of you! You should stop worrying about it. The difference in nuance is of importance since all personal growth involves gradually shifting your reality towards the positive polarity of things, whatever area it is you’re focusing on.

This is why it’s so important that you first reach the awareness of what the words you are using really mean. Otherwise your conscious mind and your subconscious mind may build up conflicts that cause you to crash (getting ill, procrastinating, experiencing fear). So acknowledge first that all worry is of negative impact to you and all caring is of positive impact to your life.

Why is this separation crucial? It’s because of the law of attraction. You create the reality you think of. You will end up manifesting that which you worry of happening. If you worry that others think negative thoughts about you, then in reality it is already true that they do. The only way you can measure this notion is in your own mind and with this scenario in action, worrying truly creates what you worry about. That’s why the second step is eliminating all worry from your reality.

Stop worrying about your home when you’re on vacation, your child when (s)he is taken care of by others and what other people think of you. You can’t influence these matters directly, only indirectly. And at this point we’re starting to borderline with the caring instead of the worrying aspect of things.

The third step is to add more care into your reality. As I mentioned earlier you should care about your possessions, the people around you and what they are thinking of you. It is important since because it is in the positive spectrum, it improves your life and reality. Here’s how to do it.

Ask around what people think of you and your endeavours. Ask what they think of your new business idea, about trying to quit smoking, about setting goals for the coming year, about your current relationships or about your financial situation. Listen to their input and care about their thoughts, insights and perspectives over an issue. Make a mental note about their level of success and awareness within it. You might come to the conclusion that person A is good in raising your compassion toward helping people, but lowering your courage to start a business. And then person B might raise your will to start exercising and eating healthy but lower your interest in spiritual and intuitive guidance and methods. Then all you need to do is turn to the right people for the right thoughts that are in your interest. How can people think negative thoughts about you if you respect them, value their knowledge and want to learn from them? You’ve shown for yourself and others that you care about their thoughts as well as your own growth. It’s your task to figure out whose advice to follow and whose advice not to follow. It will be easier and easier the more you raise your own understanding and awareness of living a prosperous life.

The fourth step is grasping the link between care and worry. The less you care, the more you worry. And the more you care, the less you worry. Those who worry the most seem to care the least, while those who care the most seem to worry the least. This is the step of taking action. If you worry about your personal finances, it’s time to start caring about them. If you worry about your health, it’s time to start caring about it. If you worry what others think of you, start caring about their thoughts. And behold, your worries vanish into thin air once you’ve taken care of these issues.

I care about my own personal development in health, relationships, success, wealth, inner balance and purpose just as I care for your personal development in these areas. With so much caring, how can there be room for worry about what others think of me? If you worry that others think of you in a negative way it quite simply means that you don’t care enough about yourself. Let that sentence sink into you with an open mind. Happiness and caring dissipates worry. Caring is being proactive while worrying is a feeling of guilt for not caring enough in the first place."

Posted by The Probabilist @ http://www.theprobabilist.com/caring-and-worrying/

My Healthy, My Happy

Lately as my anxiety has been more constant and longer lasting, and I have been miserable. I've been so worried about losing weight with my loss of appetite and so consumed with the pressure of having to eat, that just the thought or sight of food was making me want to retaliate and run away. So today I took a long look at what I am doing to make things so bad. I realized that I am simply putting too much pressure on myself all for the sake of other people knowing that I am gaining weight. So I took a long walk and thought about my priorities. Its not worth it to me to gain 50 pounds if I am miserable everyday. I wonder why I am such a people pleaser. So I am releasing my pressure that I have placed on myself to please everyone else and doing something so out of the norm. I am going to eat what I want, when I want and not care what anyone thinks about it. My fear isn't food, but being judged by others. But its my life, my body, and when I am good and ready I will take steps at my own pace, because I want to for me, and not for everyone else. I want to be healthy, and I will be. But I want to be happy too. It is a very refreshing feeling. The hardest part is going to be not caring what others think of me. But you know, as soon as I started wrapping this blog up, I suddenly got hungry.

Are We Talking Ourselves Into Panicking?

Photo by Cernicalo-e
This morning when my eyes opened and the knots in my stomach started I thought, "Its ok. I am going to have the whole day to myself with no pressure from anyone to eat this or that. I will just eat when I want to." Then as I got up still not feeling well I thought, "I'll just get some breakfast and then go to the store." Then my anxiety got worse. I sat on the chair all alone with the symptoms of my anxiety rising and I couldn't believe I was getting so upset about eating breakfast and why I didn't want to. I started to have a pity party. Without realizing it, I was telling myself things like, "I have to stop feeling this way. I have to eat so I can gain weight. I have to gain weight. I shouldn't be so worked up all the time."

Other thoughts that raced through my head just from a feeling or an image that appeared in my mind were "What if I eat while I am feeling anxious already and I get sick and throw up? What if eating makes me panic more?"

Then I ran into my room and threw myself on the bed and as the tears came I thought, "I'm never going to get over this. There is something very wrong with me. I'm only getting worse, its hopeless, why bother."

I am in no position to be giving help or telling anyone how to be cured. I highly recommend getting the book mentioned below and in my list and use the directions and guidance provided there. I am only listing a brief overview for an understanding of what I am going through and maybe give some ideas on things that might work for you.

So, as I have learned from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, all of what happened this morning was anxiety escalated by what is called Negative Self-Talk. A few pointers from the book to quickly explain what it is and how it works:

• It is so automatic and subtle you don't notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.
• It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image ("Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.
• Anxious self-talk is typically irrational but almost always sounds like the truth.
• Negative self-talk perpetuates avoidance.
• Self-talk can initiate or aggravate a panic attack.
• Negative self-talk is a series of negative bad habits. (You have to reprogram your brain to say helpful uplifting confident talk to remove the negative thoughts)

There are different kinds of negative self-talk and I listed examples of every kind I had this morning. The Worrier often promotes "what if..." thoughts and promotes anxiety. My biggest what if thought is always, "What if I get sick and throw up?" The other kinds of sub personalities are the Perfectionist ("I should, or I have to" thoughts) which promotes chronic stress and burnout, the victim ("I can't. I'll never be able to) promotes depression, and the Critic ("Can't you ever get it right?") which promotes low self esteem.

The important thing to do is be able to recognize when you are promoting this behavior and what you are telling yourself. Then you counter your negative self-talk with positive counterstatements that you believe in or want to try to believe in. The book goes into more detail about questioning your thoughts and working through them rationally to prove they aren't true. It also helps you to create the positive counterstatements so that when you are in a situation where you are anxious and start to worry and promote the negative thoughts you can replace them and prevent your anxiety from going out of control, and giving yourself the confidence and respect you deserve.

So I sat down and wrote down all my negative self talk that I mentioned at the beginning and came up with the following positive counterstatements for myself that I am listing here so I can look them up quickly if needed.

Subpersonality: The Worrier
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
What if I get sick and throw up?	A panic attack, however uncomfortable is not dangerous. If I get sick and throw up, I will learn from it and move on.
What if people around me see my anxiety and judge me?	I am willing to go forward with my life and try to better myself regardless of what others think. I respect and believe in myself apart from other's opinions.
What if I can't eat very much?	I am competent to listen to my body and follow it as opposed to other people's opinions about when I should be full.

Subpersonality: The Perfectionist
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
I have to stop feeling this way.	I can let my body do its thing. I accept these feelings and know that they will eventually pass.
I have to eat because thats whats expected. I have to eat so I can gain weight.	I can eat when I want to, not when someone else thinks I should. I am ok the way I am RIGHT NOW
I have to gain weight.	I don't always have to be trying to gain weight. Life is too short to be taken so seriously.
I shouldn't feel so scared about eating.
I shouldn’t get so worked up all the time.
Subpersonality: The Critic
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
I'm so weak, the moment I feel sick I break down	I am ok the way I am.
I can't believe I am feeling like this, I am such a loser	I am worthy of the respect of others, but especially of myself.
Everyone else is eating and enjoying themselves- I'm so weird and have so many problems	I am worthy of the respect of others. I'm a unique and creative person with many loveable qualities.
Subpersonality: The Victim
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
I'm never going to get over this, there is something very wrong with me.	I have seen progress before and I can do it again, one step at a time. I don't have to be all better tomorrow. Its never too late to change.
Its hopeless, why bother?	My condition isn't hopeless. I can overcome it by establishing and committing myself to a program for recovery. I deserve to be happy and healthy.