Safety First?

photo by Jakob Lodwick
Last night I dreamed that I was going to a family reunion and I was really nervous and anxious about "preforming" in front of my family. I woke up with my stomach all in knots and feeling anxious. I realized I was breathing pretty quickly so I tried to slow it down and take deep breaths.I fell back asleep only to have more bad dreams about my family. They weren't violent or super disturbing like some of my dreams are so thats good, but I hope it doesn't make me have anticipatory anxiety for the next time I go home.

An update to my earlier blog about morning anxiety: I did get a new bed- I went from a Queen to a California King and I love it. That means new bedding too. That hasn't been enough to stop the nightmares though. I do a pretty good job of getting around 8 hours of sleep a night. So there has to be something else I can do to make them stop. I'll have to work on it some more.

This morning I had a bad scare. I was booting up the computer in my bedroom when I heard the doorbell ring. Normally I answer but I was home alone, and there have been warnings on the radio of daytime home robberies raising in our area. What they are doing is knock on doors and if someone answers they act like they have the wrong house and if no one answers then they try the doorknob and go in. Everyone that I could think of that would be stopping by should have been at church so I figured it was probably a door to door salesman (they are stopping by ALL the time in the summer) or someone like that. So I ignored the door. Plus my two dogs bark like crazy so I figured they are a pretty good reason for robbers to go to the next house instead of try mine. So after a good 5 minutes, the doorbell rang again and I started to get nervous. So I went to my closet to put some clothes on and debated opening it or not. Suddenly I hear the door open and someone came inside. I cowered in my closet and didn't know if I should close the door and hide in there or if I should confront whoever it was. I racked my brain trying to figure out who it could be and scrambled to put a shirt on. I heard the person calling my dogs by name and putting them in the backyard. I didn't recognize the voice and wasn't really comforted that they knew my dogs name. I went out to see who it was and it was my brother in law that came to work on my basement. I didn't think he would have come because he is an avid church goer and I thought thats where he would have been. I was so scared when someone came in. But I was relieved it was a family member. I guess I should lock the door when I am home alone in the future.

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New Poll of the Week

I updated the poll today to reflect a new topic- Medications. I'm curious to know how many of you take meds and how many don't and which one you take. Not only that I am curious how you feel about your prescription, how much or how often do you need to take it, or why you don't take medication at all. I will start. I take one 50mg a day and 1/2 to one pill of clonozepam when needed which is like waves or rollercoasters. I will go for weeks without needing to take one of those but then there will be a month or so where I have to take it several times a day to make it through. Clonozepam (I swear I spell it differently every time) has been a life saver for me. It took me a lot longer to warm up to Zoloft. But I think I am finally seeing results from being consistent with it.

The poll will be up until next Friday night and then I will replace it with a new one. Feel free to take it and add any comments you want.


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Who Are the Nebulous They and Why Do They Have So Much Power Over Us?

When you wake up and are feeling anxious and you try to write out your thoughts and you write, “I might get anxious, have an attack, and they will judge me”

Who are those people? Who are the “They” that we are so afraid of and why do They have so much control over us?

For me They is anyone I am not comfortable around which is almost everyone! They is anyone that looks at me with any vague suspicion. Anyone that shows general concern for my well being. Family, friends, coworkers; no one is immune from the gang of They.

How can we wake up in the morning and already let They get to us? People we haven’t even encountered yet, haven’t even seen suddenly has all the power and has stolen our happiness.

So how can we get the power back? How do we turn the nebulous They into comforting, peaceful, and non judgmental people in our lives?

They don’t hide in corners waiting to ambush us. They don’t hold mallets and sentence us to prison taking away our freedom and happiness. They don’t always laugh and mock us as soon as our backs are turned. But we somehow imagine that they do whether consciously or subconsciously. We have to learn to be comfortable enough with ourselves to not care about the monsters we sometimes create in our lives and then we can see They for whom They really are.

We All Fall Down

photo by Kungfukitten

Yesterday I hit another mini milestone. I went to IHOP for brunch. I used to love breakfast and ever since my last flare up of anxiety I have been avoiding anything that was the least bit heavy or daunting. So for me to suggest going to breakfast where I knew there would be a big plate of eggs, bacon and French toast was taking a small risk. Granted I went with Ty who is my support person and I was a little anxious while I was there, but I ate a lot (I was hungrier than I realized) and the food was so yummy. So hooray for me :) I am trying to enjoy myself while things are going well because I know that at anytime I could lose my bearings and fall... again.

When I had my major setback in Hawaii, I was crushed. I thought I had come so far and had accomplished so much and I had lost it all. In fact I thought I was worse off than before I started because I had a panic attack almost everyday. I would wake up nauseous and it wouldn’t leave until the evening or until I threw up, whichever came first.

When I got home and it was still there I felt like a total failure.

My therapist told me that I shouldn’t think of a set back as having to start back at square one. There is knowledge that we have gained that doesn’t leave us. There is also some good in analyzing our setbacks and figuring out why we think it happened and what we could have done better to prevent it.

I learned from my last setback to not get caught up in the idea that I am cured and don’t need to properly prepare myself for triggering situations. I left without enough medication, which was not smart. So I know now that no matter how good I feel I always want to have a back up plan just in case.

So if you are in the midst of a break down and are beating yourself up for it, don’t. You are learning something valuable right now and you just have to figure out what it is.

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Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

On this Fourth of July I can't help but think about how lucky I am to live in this country. We may not be granted happiness, but we are given so many things that help us with the pursuit of it and isn't that what life is all about? Isn't that what we are all striving for every day? To find our own personal happiness, personal peace of mind and acceptance in this world.

When I went to India a few years back, my eyes were opened up to just how lucky I am. Walking through the streets I saw these children running amuck, dirty, unsupervised, barefoot and their clothes were hanging off of them. My hearts went out to them. They loved getting their picture taken and seeing it on the camera. I went back a few months later and saw them again to my delight, but nothing had changed. Most everyone lived in cramped apartments and if you weren't that lucky you would be in a shanty or a small room made out of tin with a tarp for a roof. Your children would be playing in the sewers or helping you work doing construction. I came home to my 2 bedroom starter home with a raised ceiling and thought that I lived in a mansion and felt so unbelievably blessed. We all have our problems but I can't help but feel grateful today for all that our country offers us. Don't get me wrong, India is beautiful and has a very rich fascinating culture. However, the average person here in America lives a much richer life with streets that are clean, dogs that are put in shelters and not left to fill the streets, and food that isn't sold on the ground two feet next to the trash infested ditches.


So as you go to your family BBQ, the city parade or carnival, while watching the fireworks or seeing a movie, whatever your family tradition might be, look around at all that you have. Tomorrow might be full of complaints but maybe today we can just be grateful for our blessings and opportunities that make the Pursuit a little easier.

If interested here are some more of my pictures from India. Enjoy!

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My Top 10 Anxiety Tools and Resources

photo by fotovizions

I thought I would discuss what I use as my favorite tools and resources for learning about and dealing with my anxiety/ phobias. All of these are listed on the right hand side of the blog that I leave up normally so you can refer back to any of them anytime. Its a long post I know but its I believe its very valueable for those trying to figure things out.

1. Reading Material- The biggest help that I have gotten (seriously it has changed my whole perspective on everything) has been from the book The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook Fourth Edition by Edmund J. Bourne. I am not one that buys books very often and I came across the Third Edition of this Series in my public library. It was so amazing I kept it until I wasn’t allowed to renew it any longer. I returned it sadly and then decided I had to have my own copy as a resource that I could use whenever needed. The guidance in this book is amazing. It touches on everything that I can think of on how to manage and get rid of your anxiety and phobias. I haven’t gotten to the getting rid of part because I am still getting used to managing my anxiety first. I highly recommend trying to find this book if you are looking for something to help you, especially if you can’t afford to see a specialist or a therapist. Before this book I was hopeless and it gave me the motivation to take control of my life again. Main things that helped me in this book was learning about Self Talk, Positive Affirmations and Mistaken Beliefs.
2. Medication- I take a daily dose of 50mg of Zoloft. At first I was really skeptical about taking the medication because I didn’t want to be reliant on it. I fell into the stigma that most people have about mental health medicine- that you should be able to control your own thoughts. I have since learned that some brains are simply hard wired different and need the medication to work properly. If you are diabetic, you take insulin and no one questions it, its what you need. So I take that daily and have been doing much better since I have been consistent with it. I also take Clonozapam when I need it as an additional way to calm my nerves and that helps tremendously.
3. Spiritual Belief System- I have a firm faith in my beliefs that we are put on this earth to be tried and tested. I know that we are only given adversities that Heavenly Father knows we can handle even though it might seem so overwhelming to us. I know that he helps me along the way as I continue to ask for it and pray for it. I encourage everyone to figure out their own spiritual belief system as it gives a firm foundation for when things get rocky. One of my favorite quotes says, "Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come ad dwell with thee and fully share Thy joy!'" -Neal A. Maxwell.
4. Yoga and regular exercise- I am not as consistent as this as I would like to be, but anytime I finish a workout or a yoga session I feel better immediately. I have found yoga to be more of a help especially. An interesting article I found says, “Yoga's postures, controlled breathing and meditation may work together to help ease brains plagued by anxiety or depression, a new study shows.” I don’t need the study to tell me that, I have experienced it first hand. I used to Tivo a daily yoga show as corny as it was to do at home but when the show no longer played I had to find another method. I like to work out at home, its too hard for me to keep up with going to the gym and I never end up going. So I am borrowing an XBOX that hardly gets used and I bought a $9 dollar game at a used game store. This game is awesome. It’s a Personal Trainer that does yoga and exercising with lots of other cool features.
5. Therapist- It was a blow to my ego but when things got really bad I had to face the music that I was in over my head. I went and saw a therapist who was able to help me point out my negative thoughts when I didn’t realize I was thinking that way.
6. Journaling- Journaling is a great way to figure out your thoughts and feelings and mentally unwind. That’s why I started this blog. Its my journal and has been extremely therapeutic for me.
7. Vitamin B Supplement- This is a daily pill that helps manage the nervous system that is an additional more herbal remedy as opposed to Clonozapam.
8. Family and Friends- Having a support person is important. Someone that knows whats going on so that if you have to leave suddenly or have symptoms coming on, they are there to help you and be there for you. Sometimes having that support person with you in a trigger situation can be enough to help you stay calm. Plus as I have mentioned before, than your secret is out and you don’t have to try so hard to meet everyone’s expectations and you can focus on other things. I only tell my closest family and friends about it, plus all of you of course, but I try not to tell people that I feel aren’t on a need to know basis.
9. Expressing Yourself Creatively- I find it important to express myself in relaxing ways that help me define who I am. I do this with gardening, playing the piano, scrapbooking, blogging, and photography. All of these hobbies give me a sense of accomplishment and let me know that I am worthwhile as a person. They give me strength to want to better myself in all areas of my life.
10. Down Time- Its vitally important to give your mind some rest. This includes getting a full night’s sleep, time management, and making room in your schedule for relax time. Time where you do nothing but meditate or veg out, anything that’s relaxing. Taking a bath, watch tv, just exist.

Some of these may work better than others for you and your situation. Whats important is finding out what it is that works best for you. I'd love to hear if anyone else has other tools or resources or ideas that help them.

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Helping or Hurting? What People Around Me Should or Shouldn't Do

photo by filmsnotdead

Okay Ben this posts for you. I can understand the request for this post because if you confide in people about your anxiety, sometimes they don't know how to act around you in an anxiety triggering situation. The last thing I, or I am guessing anyone, would want is for the loved ones in our life to feel like they have to walk around on eggshells around us. I can sense when people do that and it makes me feel handicapped. So I want to share this blog so the people in my life or that have loved ones suffering with anxiety have a better idea of what helps in an anxious situation and what just makes things worse.

I appreciate the sensitivity shown by my family and friends. It truly makes things a lot easier to know that I have someone that will understand my quirkiness and will still love me for it. My sister for example, didn't want to put me in an awkward position around her so she wondered if she just shouldn't invite me out to lunch anymore. On the surface that sounds great :) Just avoid the situation altogether! However thats not want I want, because that would actually be hurting my recovery by enabling me to avoid my fears which would only make the fear grow. On the flip side, I don't want her to invite me over to eat all the time to try to make me feel better about it. That would just be a strain on our relationship if I was always stressing over it.

Here's what works best for me: Act the way you would if you didn't know I had anxiety. I still want to be invited to social gatherings, even if its too much for me and I have to turn it down. I still want the option to take the risk. You can be sensitive by not bringing attention to my anxiety or any of my eating or driving habits. If I am in a situation where I have to eat with a bunch of people, even getting the "How are you doing? You okay?" look in my direction has been enough to cause a panic attack, just because I knew someone else was focusing on it like I was. I may be fine inside or really struggling, but for some reason if I think I'm the only one who knows I am struggling it makes it easier.

I don't feel the need to get over my driving fears right now. One phobia at a time! I have no problem avoiding driving if I can and I still plan on doing so in the future. I drive when I have to and thats good enough for me. One step at a time. So friends could offer to drive or offer to drive my car for me :) If I am driving, being a backseat driver is the worst thing you could do. I have never had a full blown panic attack about driving, but my anxiety/ stress levels can get pretty high some times if I feel my driving is being critiqued.

So in summary, just treat me like a normal person and then love me even if I am not normal in return :)

UPDATE: Since posting this post I have come across a website dedicated to family and freinds of loved ones suffering from a mental illness that is pretty cool. It's called www.whatadifference.org. They have videos on tv that are pretty cool, here is one of them:

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