Hold Your Head Up High

Photo by MuzikFreec
Today I went to see my Counselor, Therapist, Social Worker, whatever you want to call her. It was nice to talk to someone who could understand how I felt and was willing to listen to me. She made a few good points but it all really boils down to me having to learn to not worry about what other people think of me. If I can accept myself the way I am and not worry if other people accept me or not, than it will help reduce my anxiety attacks.

So how do you do it? How do you live your life and not care if people are spreading rumors and talking about you behind your back? And why do I care so much? I'm a people pleaser, but I have to learn to hold my head up high and accept and love myself. I found an awesome article on this subject that was an eye opener:

"Depending on your emotional balance you may often find yourself caring or worrying about things that you feel are beyond your influence. By this I mean other people, their thoughts about you, personal possession that are of value to you or even your own personal growth in various areas. What other people think of you is something that so many people today have a problem finding an inner balance to. How do you advance your personal growth without having to face the resistance of what others think of you and your pursuits?

The first step in this process is to clearly separate caring and worrying from each other. Worrying is in the negative spectrum of thoughts/emotions while caring is in the positive spectrum of thoughts/emotions. The path to easier personal growth depends on understanding this vital first step. You should not stop caring about what others think of you! You should stop worrying about it. The difference in nuance is of importance since all personal growth involves gradually shifting your reality towards the positive polarity of things, whatever area it is you’re focusing on.

This is why it’s so important that you first reach the awareness of what the words you are using really mean. Otherwise your conscious mind and your subconscious mind may build up conflicts that cause you to crash (getting ill, procrastinating, experiencing fear). So acknowledge first that all worry is of negative impact to you and all caring is of positive impact to your life.

Why is this separation crucial? It’s because of the law of attraction. You create the reality you think of. You will end up manifesting that which you worry of happening. If you worry that others think negative thoughts about you, then in reality it is already true that they do. The only way you can measure this notion is in your own mind and with this scenario in action, worrying truly creates what you worry about. That’s why the second step is eliminating all worry from your reality.

Stop worrying about your home when you’re on vacation, your child when (s)he is taken care of by others and what other people think of you. You can’t influence these matters directly, only indirectly. And at this point we’re starting to borderline with the caring instead of the worrying aspect of things.

The third step is to add more care into your reality. As I mentioned earlier you should care about your possessions, the people around you and what they are thinking of you. It is important since because it is in the positive spectrum, it improves your life and reality. Here’s how to do it.

Ask around what people think of you and your endeavours. Ask what they think of your new business idea, about trying to quit smoking, about setting goals for the coming year, about your current relationships or about your financial situation. Listen to their input and care about their thoughts, insights and perspectives over an issue. Make a mental note about their level of success and awareness within it. You might come to the conclusion that person A is good in raising your compassion toward helping people, but lowering your courage to start a business. And then person B might raise your will to start exercising and eating healthy but lower your interest in spiritual and intuitive guidance and methods. Then all you need to do is turn to the right people for the right thoughts that are in your interest. How can people think negative thoughts about you if you respect them, value their knowledge and want to learn from them? You’ve shown for yourself and others that you care about their thoughts as well as your own growth. It’s your task to figure out whose advice to follow and whose advice not to follow. It will be easier and easier the more you raise your own understanding and awareness of living a prosperous life.

The fourth step is grasping the link between care and worry. The less you care, the more you worry. And the more you care, the less you worry. Those who worry the most seem to care the least, while those who care the most seem to worry the least. This is the step of taking action. If you worry about your personal finances, it’s time to start caring about them. If you worry about your health, it’s time to start caring about it. If you worry what others think of you, start caring about their thoughts. And behold, your worries vanish into thin air once you’ve taken care of these issues.

I care about my own personal development in health, relationships, success, wealth, inner balance and purpose just as I care for your personal development in these areas. With so much caring, how can there be room for worry about what others think of me? If you worry that others think of you in a negative way it quite simply means that you don’t care enough about yourself. Let that sentence sink into you with an open mind. Happiness and caring dissipates worry. Caring is being proactive while worrying is a feeling of guilt for not caring enough in the first place."

Posted by The Probabilist @ http://www.theprobabilist.com/caring-and-worrying/

My Healthy, My Happy

Lately as my anxiety has been more constant and longer lasting, and I have been miserable. I've been so worried about losing weight with my loss of appetite and so consumed with the pressure of having to eat, that just the thought or sight of food was making me want to retaliate and run away. So today I took a long look at what I am doing to make things so bad. I realized that I am simply putting too much pressure on myself all for the sake of other people knowing that I am gaining weight. So I took a long walk and thought about my priorities. Its not worth it to me to gain 50 pounds if I am miserable everyday. I wonder why I am such a people pleaser. So I am releasing my pressure that I have placed on myself to please everyone else and doing something so out of the norm. I am going to eat what I want, when I want and not care what anyone thinks about it. My fear isn't food, but being judged by others. But its my life, my body, and when I am good and ready I will take steps at my own pace, because I want to for me, and not for everyone else. I want to be healthy, and I will be. But I want to be happy too. It is a very refreshing feeling. The hardest part is going to be not caring what others think of me. But you know, as soon as I started wrapping this blog up, I suddenly got hungry.

Are We Talking Ourselves Into Panicking?

Photo by Cernicalo-e
This morning when my eyes opened and the knots in my stomach started I thought, "Its ok. I am going to have the whole day to myself with no pressure from anyone to eat this or that. I will just eat when I want to." Then as I got up still not feeling well I thought, "I'll just get some breakfast and then go to the store." Then my anxiety got worse. I sat on the chair all alone with the symptoms of my anxiety rising and I couldn't believe I was getting so upset about eating breakfast and why I didn't want to. I started to have a pity party. Without realizing it, I was telling myself things like, "I have to stop feeling this way. I have to eat so I can gain weight. I have to gain weight. I shouldn't be so worked up all the time."

Other thoughts that raced through my head just from a feeling or an image that appeared in my mind were "What if I eat while I am feeling anxious already and I get sick and throw up? What if eating makes me panic more?"

Then I ran into my room and threw myself on the bed and as the tears came I thought, "I'm never going to get over this. There is something very wrong with me. I'm only getting worse, its hopeless, why bother."

I am in no position to be giving help or telling anyone how to be cured. I highly recommend getting the book mentioned below and in my list and use the directions and guidance provided there. I am only listing a brief overview for an understanding of what I am going through and maybe give some ideas on things that might work for you.

So, as I have learned from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, all of what happened this morning was anxiety escalated by what is called Negative Self-Talk. A few pointers from the book to quickly explain what it is and how it works:

• It is so automatic and subtle you don't notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.
• It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image ("Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.
• Anxious self-talk is typically irrational but almost always sounds like the truth.
• Negative self-talk perpetuates avoidance.
• Self-talk can initiate or aggravate a panic attack.
• Negative self-talk is a series of negative bad habits. (You have to reprogram your brain to say helpful uplifting confident talk to remove the negative thoughts)

There are different kinds of negative self-talk and I listed examples of every kind I had this morning. The Worrier often promotes "what if..." thoughts and promotes anxiety. My biggest what if thought is always, "What if I get sick and throw up?" The other kinds of sub personalities are the Perfectionist ("I should, or I have to" thoughts) which promotes chronic stress and burnout, the victim ("I can't. I'll never be able to) promotes depression, and the Critic ("Can't you ever get it right?") which promotes low self esteem.

The important thing to do is be able to recognize when you are promoting this behavior and what you are telling yourself. Then you counter your negative self-talk with positive counterstatements that you believe in or want to try to believe in. The book goes into more detail about questioning your thoughts and working through them rationally to prove they aren't true. It also helps you to create the positive counterstatements so that when you are in a situation where you are anxious and start to worry and promote the negative thoughts you can replace them and prevent your anxiety from going out of control, and giving yourself the confidence and respect you deserve.

So I sat down and wrote down all my negative self talk that I mentioned at the beginning and came up with the following positive counterstatements for myself that I am listing here so I can look them up quickly if needed.

Subpersonality: The Worrier
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
What if I get sick and throw up?	A panic attack, however uncomfortable is not dangerous. If I get sick and throw up, I will learn from it and move on.
What if people around me see my anxiety and judge me?	I am willing to go forward with my life and try to better myself regardless of what others think. I respect and believe in myself apart from other's opinions.
What if I can't eat very much?	I am competent to listen to my body and follow it as opposed to other people's opinions about when I should be full.

Subpersonality: The Perfectionist
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
I have to stop feeling this way.	I can let my body do its thing. I accept these feelings and know that they will eventually pass.
I have to eat because thats whats expected. I have to eat so I can gain weight.	I can eat when I want to, not when someone else thinks I should. I am ok the way I am RIGHT NOW
I have to gain weight.	I don't always have to be trying to gain weight. Life is too short to be taken so seriously.
I shouldn't feel so scared about eating.
I shouldn’t get so worked up all the time.
Subpersonality: The Critic
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
I'm so weak, the moment I feel sick I break down	I am ok the way I am.
I can't believe I am feeling like this, I am such a loser	I am worthy of the respect of others, but especially of myself.
Everyone else is eating and enjoying themselves- I'm so weird and have so many problems	I am worthy of the respect of others. I'm a unique and creative person with many loveable qualities.
Subpersonality: The Victim
Negative Self Talk	Positive Counterstatement
I'm never going to get over this, there is something very wrong with me.	I have seen progress before and I can do it again, one step at a time. I don't have to be all better tomorrow. Its never too late to change.
Its hopeless, why bother?	My condition isn't hopeless. I can overcome it by establishing and committing myself to a program for recovery. I deserve to be happy and healthy.

Fear of Being Who I Am

Photo by wiseacre photo

Fear: "the unreasonable overestimation of some threat, coupled with an underestimation of your ability to cope." -The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, Fourth Edition by Bourne

I am trying to stay positive and optimistic and say life right now is very "interesting" instead of many more ugly words that come to mind. It is true after all, that everything I am experiencing has some degree of growth and learning potential. But here I am back at the beginning where food in general is a problem because I am anxious all the time and I have no appetite. Any heavy meals sounds awful just like it would if you were nauseas from food poisoning. But I know I need to eat something and slowly get my appetite back. So I do this with snacks. I eat small amounts of high calorie foods such as tapioca puddings, crackers, cheese sticks, high calorie drinks, etc. as often as I comfortably can. Its important to go at my own pace otherwise I run the risk of re sensitizing myself and I'll have to start over again. Eventually when I become more comfortable and less anxious on a constant basis, I will upgrade to larger amounts of food.

Here is an interesting article I came across today: http://www.newstarget.com/001976.html

With my fear of eating around others, it works very similar. I am usually just fine with snack foods and small casual meals around people I am comfortable with. The worst extreme situation is a fancy sit down meal like Thanksgiving for example. Sitting in a restaurant, even fast food place can be too much to where I can't handle it unless I properly prepare myself in advance. This explains all the birthday meals growing up where I ended up sick at the end of the night. All the attention was on me while I was eating and I couldn't handle it. Why my body reacts by throwing up I have no idea. I wish I knew why it was that and not passing out or hyperventilating. Its just how my body deals with it I guess.

So now I know and you know. You know how I feel and why I might act awkward at family gatherings and why I feel sick a lot- usually because any family function revolves around food. I know that my fear is irrational and there is no reason for it, however its a fight or flight response that my body has grown accustomed to and now I am trying to deal with the unpleasantries of my mind and body screaming for an escape anytime I am faced with that kind of situation.

Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful

“The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).

Yesterday was a really tough day for me as I explained earlier. At one point of the day I called my sister who lives in Georgia to cry and talk to her since I was feeling down. When I got back from my initial visit with my new counselor, my neighbor stopped me in the driveway to give me a boquet of flowers that someone had delivered. It is a beautiful full boquet of red roses with one white daisy sticking out. The card said, "Be your own kind of beautiful! I love you! -Lisa" Just like the picture shows, I don't have to be one of the roses to have my own unique beauty shine through. It was a good reminder that I shouldn't care where other people think I should be. Its my life and no matter how people think I should behave or look or feel, it doesn't matter. I can't worry or care about the judgments. That is the hardest lesson I will have to learn. I know right now I still do care and thats what spawns my attacks.

It turned the rest of my day around. It was nice to know that I had someone cheering me on and was supporting me not just making progress, but was there to support me when I didn't, when I went backwards.

Today has been rough as well but in a different way. I am back at work and struggling to get through the day with this constant nausea feeling in my stomach. I have no appetite whatsoever but I am not going to push myself cause that will only make things worse. The hardest thing about today is that I am back at square 1. Starting completely over. I can't keep thinking about where I was cause it just gets me down. So what if its 1:40 pm and I have only taken in 269 calories. A few weeks ago I was in the 2550 range at the end of the day and thats how I was gaining weight, but I didn't start there. I think I started at 500 originally, and thats when I was feeling good. So I will take it one step at a time, one day at a time, at my own pace. Positive Affirmation Alert: "I can take as small a step forward as I choose. There's no need to push myself." This is the first time in my life where I completely understand that phrase, "One day at a time."

Stop the World I Wanna Get Off

Photo by karl_eschenbach

Setbacks are extremely hard for me. It takes me days to a week to get over them. Sometimes I feel so over my head- there is too much to do and I can't remember it all, I can't control my body. I feel like sometimes I can handle my anxiety, and then many days I can not. So this morning when I woke up and anxiety hit my stomach the moment my eyes opened as it has for the last several weeks, I broke down. I sat shaking in the shower, balling, not sure how I would ever make it to work feeling such a loss of control over my own body. Something needed to be done. I was worried about how taking another sick day off of work would effect my job, but I knew I couldn't go to work in the emotional state I was in.

So I faced the facts. I am in over my head. My health is more important than my job. I spent the day working with my insurance company to find a counselor that I could talk to. I was able to catch an appointment that afternoon. I was so excited to speak with someone that could help me. I left my house 20 minutes early just in case I got lost because I am extremely directionally challeged. Just my luck, not enough time. I have never gotten more lost in my life. I finally showed up- only 45 minutes late! I was soo frazzled after almost getting into 2 car accidents and one pull off to cry I could hardly make it up the steps without tripping over myself. I'm sure the Counselor thought I was a mess.

Since I was so late we only got to chat for about 15 minutes, but it was nice. She was a little older and very calm and relaxing to talk to- very motherly. I have great hopes that she will be able to help me where I can't seem to keep up.

Anxiety Scale

Photo by j.kolo
One of the most important things I have learned is to detach yourself from a panic/anxiety attack and observe your symptoms. You do this by flowing with the feeling you have, not fighting them. There are certain degrees of anxiety and if you can maintain control before you get to level 4, you can prevent a full blown attack. Here is my anxiety scale (the symptoms will be different for everyone):

7-10 Major Panic Attack: All of the symptoms in level 6 exaggerated; loss of control ofmy body and throwing up; compulsion to escape.

6 Moderate Panic Attack: Palpitations, difficulty breathing, feeling disoriented or detached (feeling of unreality); panic in response to perceived loss of control.

5 Early Panic: Heart pounding or beating irregularly, constricted breathing, definite fear of losing control, unable to think clearly, compulsion to escape.

4 Marked Anxiety: Feeling uncomfortable, heart beating fast, beginning to wonder about maintaining control, feeling nauseas, burning in the back of my neck or face, trembling body o shaking hands.

3 Moderate Anxiety: Feeling uncomfortable but still in control, heart starting to beat faster, more rapid breathing, trembling hands.

2 Mild Anxiety: Butterflies in stomach, definately nervous, negative self talk starts.

1 Slight anxiety: Passing twinge of anxiety, feeling slightly nervous.

0 Relaxation: Calm; a feeling of being undistracted and at peace.

The coping strategies in summary to enact when you start to detect your early symptoms are:

• Practice Abdominal Breathing
• Repeat Positive Coping Statements
• Use Abdominal Breathing in Combination with Coping Statements
• Talk to Supportive Person on the Phone
• Move around or Engage in Physical Activity
• Stay in the Present
• Use Simple Distraction Techniques
• Get Angry with Anxiety
• Experience something Immediately Pleasurable

I will go into more detail about some of these that help me the most later, and will link them to this blog, but for now I wanted to get this down so I can use it at work as a quick reminder.