A few posts back I mentioned how well I have been doing. Its true, for the last year and a half my anxiety has been all but non existent, or really low and life was good. However, its as if by posting on my success the angry anxiety demons became enraged and decided to remind me that they are still around always lingering deep inside. For me, sometimes the anxiety war really does feel like you are battling demons inside of you.
I posted on the panic I had all last Wednesday morning, but my anxiety didn't stop there. I was hopeful and positive when all was said and done that it was a one-time weird phenomenon and that all would go back to normal. But it lingered a little on Thursday, Friday I got a break, but Saturday and today it has arrived and decided to stay. I have had horrible anticipatory anxiety the whole weekend.
I am pretty sure that some recent past and upcoming stressors have caused my anxiety to return. I am stressing right now over a 3 day long upcoming family reunion in a couple weeks that is about 3-4 hours away from home.
Its always been a cycle for me where I have really bad anxiety and then it goes away for awhile. But it always comes back eventually. This time, it had been so long since I have had the really bad anxiety that I had let myself think that maybe I really had overcome the worst and that their were only brighter days ahead. The anxiety I was feeling in my life was tolerable and I could live a happy medication free life. I think that's why this setback is hitting me emotionally so hard.
I am feeling so nauseous and unable to eat anything. But worse than the physical unpleasantness is how upset I am over its return. I feel SO defeated, alone, and like a total failure. I feel like I have lost all control over my thoughts and my body. I feel like its my fault that the daily anxiety has returned. That I did or am doing something wrong and I am a horrible person for having this and putting my family through it. I feel like no one around me will understand what I am going through and will just think I am weird. I know I am going to have to fight this through all over again and the battle is so hard, so completely life consuming and I don't know if I have the strength to do it again. Let's just say I've been crying alot.
A few years ago when my anxiety was at its worst, I only had to worry about me. I could waste away to 99-100 lbs in my work cubicle everyday and deal with my anxiety in the smallest of babysteps I felt I needed to, but this time I have a baby to look after and if I don't eat, I don't have the energy I need to keep up with her. So there's some pressure this time.
So the question is, do I go back on medication or not? I feel that I should if the daily anticipatory anxiety doesn't stop because it is effecting my ability to do the simplest daily tasks. However the consequence is that I won't be able to nurse my little one anymore and she will have to go on formula for a few months until she can drink whole milk. The abrupt weaning will be hard on both of us as opposed to the gradual weaning I was planning on. I am planning to go to my doctor tomorrow to talk to him about it and see what he thinks.
Its back, unfortunately. But at least this time I have the knowledge and tools I need to work through it and I can remind myself that I have beaten it before and I can do it again. I got my Anxiety and Phobia Workbook out and have been rereading it for a refresher. It has brought me some comfort today. Also my husband has been so loving and supportive and that means alot. I know there are a lot of you out there with similar experiences and I am so sorry for you. Let's help each other battle the demons.