Anticipatory Anxiety over Business Trip

photo by Bruno D Rodrigues
Today I found out that in a few weeks I am going to have to travel to North California for business. I will be doing this trip alone. That scares me to death. I am trying to look at it as an adventure but I know I will be a nervous reck about it. I will have to rent a car and drive which that alone is enough stress and anxiety, but add driving to unknown places in unfamiliar towns and cities and thats really scary for me. I have never done something like this before. At least all by myself. I am going to have to plan as much beforehand as I can with maps and mace. Just thinking about it is making feel like I can't breathe. I am having to take giant heaping breaths even as I type this.

***

Ok I just took a quick walk away from my desk and was thinking about it and I am trying to focus on the excitement aspect, not the fear. I will be able to take pics of the Golden Gate bridge and prove to myself that I am a capable of doing this on my own. It will be a challenge, but it will also be a huge learning experience for me.

Any tips out there for me?

I also have a dinner with some old coworkers tonight that I am trying to not get freaked out about.

Deep breaths. One step at a time.

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Rejecting Rejection

photo by wuji9981
It seems that when I am not having horrible nightmares of being shot and dying, I am having dreams of being rejected. The person(s) rejecting me vary from night to night, but the theme is always the same. I am usually back in high school confronting friends, or crushes, or old flames and all of them don't want to be around me for some reason. I spend the entire night pining for their acceptance and mourning over the lack of it. I feel sad, discouraged, and lonely all night long. According to Dream Moods,

"To dream that you are being rejected, signifies a lack of self-worth and alienation of others."

Another website about the symbolism of dreams says,

"Rejection in a dream shows that the dreamer either is frustrated by non-acceptance or want to rid himself of certain feelings."

This seems to go hand in hand with yesterday's post discussing Self-Esteem. Ok so I have already admitted that my self-esteem could use some work. But this is not some dream that I have now and then. I have dreams about this almost every night. I can't stand it. I wake up feeling awful. What a way to start the day. So I don't want to do it anymore. I actually emailed a local radio station that has a dream interpreter on it once a week to have her analyze one of my dreams. I can't wait to hear her feedback. I have heard that before you go to bed you can write your dream out in a journal and then change the ending to be whatever you want it to be. Then when you have your dream, the new ending will replace the old. I should try that. Maybe I just need a dream catcher.

Any other suggestions of how to stop having these kinds of dreams? Does anyone have similar kinds of dreams?

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How Self-Esteem Feels

This is taken from La Belle Foundation which is a self-esteem learning foundation (S.E.L.F.):

"These are general descriptions of how we feel when our self-esteem is high and how we feel when it is low. Those of us who fit either description on a regular basis know that our self-esteem is in tact or in need of work.

1. You are generally not thinking about yourself and do not analyze yourself.
   
   
2. You feel good most of the time. When you feel bad, it doesn't last long. You are resilient in the face of diversity.
   
   
3. You smile a lot. You have positive belief systems about your self, your family and society as a whole.
   
   
4. You have lots of energy. You are able to
5. accomplish most of your goals.
   
   
6. You are friendly. You enjoy meeting and being with others.
   
   
7. You draw people to you. You make long-term friendships.
   
   
8. You look others in the eye. You are trustworthy and able to be intimate and affectionate.
   
   
9. You take risks. You are independent and autonomous.
   
   
10. You have positive effects. You have behavioral and academic success in school.
    
    
11. Things others cannot observe include: You talk to yourself positively, tell the truth, keep your word, are grateful to be alive, forgive yourself and others. You are empathetic, compassionate and you have a conscience.

The above actions, decisions about yourself, and beliefs can be started and adopted at any time. They take life long practice and anyone can do them. A decision must be made, and then practice must begin. All of us make mistakes but being willing to forgive ourselves enables us to forgive others.

1. You think about yourself a lot and analyze why you are the way you are.
   
   
2. You are stressful and fearful of adversity. You may be alienated from and in opposition with parents, caregivers and authority figures in general.
   
   
3. You do not smile easily. You may have a negative, hopeless view of yourself, your family and society.
   
   
4. You are tired a lot. You may be unwilling or unable to set and achieve your goals.
   
   
5. You stay to yourself. You prefer being alone to meeting new people or being with others.
   
   
6. You keep people away. You have trouble making and keeping friends.
   
   
7. You avoid looking into the eyes of others. You have difficulty with genuine trust, intimacy and affection.
   
   
8. You refuse to take risks. You are needy and may have a tendency to cling or to fake independence.
   
   
9. You create negative effects. And in extreme cases you can be antisocial and perhaps violent.
   
   
10. Things others cannot observe include: You talk to yourself negatively, you do not tell the truth or keep your word, you do not forgive yourself or others. You may lack empathy, compassion and remorse.

Raising ones self-esteem takes changes in behavior. Behavior will change with practice and intention. Self-esteem is an achievement--a process that empowers, energizes and motivates. It is not something that we have, but the experience of things that we do. Self-esteem is the experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness."

Unfortunately I can relate to more of the lower self esteem items than I care to admit. Maybe a few of the positive from time to time, but I really can relate to some. I don't smile easily. I always wished I had one of those laughs that were contagious, but I rarely laugh out loud. If I think something is funny I will maybe smile and let out a small chuckle but it takes a good pin down tickle torture to really get me laughing. I AM tired alot. I love to stay home and do nothing as opposed to going to social events, I have a hard time making friends, I rarely take any risks, etc. I think alot of these scenarios are common with people with social anxiety disorder. The statement that has made the biggest impact on me in this article is the first one. "You are generally not thinking about yourself and do not analyze yourself." How can I ever get to that point? I am so introverted that I don't know if I can ever NOT analyze every little thing I do.

Which statements describe you?


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Pulled in all Directions

Quick Post to let you know that right now I am feeling pulled in all directions. Work, wife, church, all is extremely stressful right now and I am sorry that I haven't posted. I have been thinking about it but I don't have much to offer right now as I am just trying to keep my head above water.

I successfully prevented a panic attack on Sunday by breathing deeply and writing down positive affirmations and some mistaken beliefs- ex I asked myself, "Whats the worst thing that could happen? How would I handle that? Is it really all that awful?" and I also took some clonozepam. It was really helpful.

I promise to post something useful soon, hopefully today.

Here is an interesting article from Healthcentral.com about replicating the out of body experience you feel when having a panic attack.

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What to Do When Your Spouse Gets Fired?

photo by blmurch

Yep, my hubby got fired this week from his job. The stress is horrible. So many thoughts race through your head. What are we going to do for money? What can I do to comfort him? What kind of changes are we going to have to make to our budget? Are we going to have to move? Am I handling this the right way? Should I be angry? The list goes on...

Also, I think this would be a great time for him to go back to school, but he is still deciding. I have told him my thoughts several times, but I can only nag so much and its his life. Its so much easier for me to say what to do when I don't have to do it.

So for now we will see what happens. Honestly I think its a blessing because the company he worked for was horrible and didn't appreciate his hard work at all. Plus now he can hopefully find something he loves doing or like I said, finish school. I have tried to be very supportive and loving. I have tried not to worry too much because I know he can find another job easily if he needs one soley to pay the bills. Its still stressful though. I am not sleeping well lately at all.

My latest favorite song on the radio is by Sara Bareiles, called Love Song and the first few lines of the lyrics are,

" Head under water

And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that"

Hits home right about now.

Has anyone ever had a spouse in this same position, and if so, how did you handle it?


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Blog down ALL DAY and potential Book Review

Unfortunately Blogger has been having some issues and my blog has been unaccessible in IE all day long! So I am sorry for anyone who keeps getting an error. It works in Firefox- woo hoo! I personally love Firefox.

So lately I have been feelin the stress. BIG TIME. I am trying to stay positive but we're talking potential life changing events. So I can't really focus on very much else right now. I just pray that it will all turn out okay. I will keep you posted. Usually when I get like this I bite all my nails but since I have fake ones one, I have resorted to ripping them all off. Now my fingers hurt.

Anyway, I will try to come up with a good post in the near future as the last little while I have been feeling drained. I want to read "Feeling Good" because I have heard good things about it. I reserved a copy at the library and look forward to getting it. Anyone already read it? Any reviews?


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Yoga for Workaholics

If you are like me than you spend the majority of your day sitting in front of a computer. With all of the work that I do it makes it difficult to set a time to do yoga even though I know it is so very beneficial to me. I always feel so much better after doing it. Luckily I came across some really cool, short videos that show you different yoga techniques that you can do at your desk at work to help you take a break. Its nothing huge or life changing, rather something small and easy to implement that could help you have a better day. The majority of these I could do at my desk without drawing very much attention to myself. A few I probably would get some weird looks if anyone saw me. I think they are worth checking out, especially the neck stretch, shoulder, wrist, spine, chest, seated twist, and seated twist with legs crossed videos.

Enjoy :)

Click here for more on "Office Yoga: Easy Exercises for Desk Jockeys"

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