White and Nerdy- Exciting Blog Updates

photo by cherbert

So I am a little bit of a nerd I admit. I work in a software company after all. I am also a widget junkie. I love trying out new tools and learning how to implement fun features. I don't want to overload my blogsite with these however, only the ones that have a real function and purpose. So please let me know how you like the new features and if you think they are helpful to you or a waste of space so I can weed out the bad ones. Here are a several changes I have made:

• I added a subscribe button that you can see at the top of the page. When you roll over it buttons will appear that allow you to select where you want the feed to appear. (This works much better in Firefox than in Internet Explorer). By "subscribing" you add a feature to your favorite search engine (google, yahoo, aol, etc) homepage that will update whenever I update my blog. This means you won't have to check back to see whats been changed. Instead it will tell you whenever there are additional posts and you can then visit the page or the feed to see the latest and greatest. I have also added a subscribe by email box on the right hand side that will allow you to receive an email whenever there is a new post if you feel more comfortable doing that. Both of these are for your benefit and then they also allow me to see how many people actually are interested in what I am writing about.

• My favorite webpages are usually interactive, not just pretty to look or nice to read, but something I can contribute to- has a community feel to them which is what I want to add to my site. So I just barely added a rating widget to my posts that I found from Luna Tail's site. Its a rating system that you can rate 1-5 stars for each post.

• I've been meaning to do the next one for awhile. I took the songs from my Chill Out Playlist and added them into a music player. I don't like pages that play music automatically when I go to them, especially if you are at work and it blasts really loud! So you can look through them and choose ones you want to listen to if you want to listen. I hope you like them. I will most likely be changing the music every once in awhile when I find new songs that I like that fit into the anxiety category, and I will get rid of ones I am tired of. I'd love any suggestions of other artists if anyone wants to share.

• Also another interactive feature is a poll on the right hand side. Hopefully they will release it soon. I think it would be interesting to know what types of anxiety my readers struggle with. I plan on doing "A Poll of the Week" varying on different topics such as medication types, satisfaction of treatments and coping strategies, etc. I think it could be a very interesting feature. (This also looks nicer in Firefox)

As for my anxiety today, I woke up anxious. This seems to be pretty common for Saturday mornings. I just took my time to get ready for the day and I am relaxing in front of guess what, Court TV and surfin the web. Probably my favorite way to relax. Tyler is gone on an overnight trip with his brothers which gives me the whole day off. I might help his sister with a craft project sometime, if she ever decides to call. I really should do some yoga today since my overall anxiety level has been so heightened the last couple days.

I hope everyone else is feeling better out there! Linda, how are you doing? I haven't heard from you lately. You are in my thoughts. If nothing else know that someone's thinkin about you and sending well wishes your way. Brinn, has your anxiety risen lately like mine and Molly's? I have a theory that the more time we spend talking to each other, the more our anxiety cycles parallel, just like menstrual cycles do ;)

Let me know if you have any questions on any of this or have technical problems.

Everyone Take Care!

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Level 3 Panic, but I Survived

photo by picturejockey

So I made it through today. Not scot free like the last couple outings, but I didn't have a full blown attack. I got a really yummy salad at lunch and it filled me up before my main meal came. So when the meal came and I wasn't hungry, I started to feel stupid, or that I should be able to eat more like everyone else. I started focusing on whether anyone was watching me and I could feel my anxiety get to a level 3 (see anxiety scale post for more info).

Then, when I started to get lost in my negative self talk and the butterflies were soaring, I was saved by the bell. My phone started ringing and it was Ty. I was able to excuse myself and talk to him and refocus and calm down. When I got back in everything got much better. I was still feeling a little stupid, but I packed up everything I knew I wouldn't eat and left a bag of chips open that I could occasionally munch on. No one said anything to me even though I felt at least one set of eyes (a lady who already has confronted me about not eating enough) watching me. I just ignored her and tried to get distracted in the conversations around me. It worked.

The wedding reception I lucked out of and got there when no one was there and I ended up having to leave after maybe 15 minutes to make Ty's softball game which is where I am writing this as they are getting slaughtered big time.

So all in all, I got lost in my thoughts, but was able to snap out of it before it got out of control. Not a setback at all I think.I don't have to be anxiety free every time in order to have a successful situation I think. For me, baby steps are learning to manage my anxiety, not focusing on stopping it cold turkey.

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Broken and Bruised

photo by Navarta

Last night was horrible in sooo many ways. First off, I was doing laundry and I am not used to where some new furniture has been placed so I ran right into a nightstand with my knee because the laundry I was carrying blocked my view. I dropped everything and hit the floor it hurt so bad. It started bruising immediately and I have a nice muscle bruise about the size of a golf ball on my leg that shoots pain anytime I move. I then successfully stubbed my toes on one of my barstools. Granted I am a bit of a clutz and am always covered in bruises that I have no idea how I got them. [No, Ty doesn’t beat me ;)]

That night was full of nightmares. First I dreamed about a woman that got kidnapped and she was tortured and they put it all on television. Very weird. Than I dreamt that Tyler and I were trying to save her and we got shot, and no one was helping us. Paramedics came and gave me an oxygen mask and then left again and never returned. The mask wasn’t helping and I couldn’t breathe. I could feel myself blacking out as if I was dying and I couldn’t figure out why the paramedics weren’t coming back. It woke me up gasping for breath and crying. Plus when I woke up my sore throat was the worst it has been so far. After a few minutes of recovery, I fell back asleep to dream about my brother in law dying unexpectedly and I spent the rest of the night crying and grieving in my dream and trying to console his wife, my sister-in-law. It was so horrible. I woke up with my neck stiff and exhausted and anxious. Then I realized I had never turned my alarm clock on so I was an hour late. So I had to get up and hurry to get ready for work. It was the first time I woke up feeling anxious in a few weeks.

Tyler thinks maybe my nightmares are from watching too much Court TV. It’s my favorite channel and I love a good murder mystery just not when I’m in it! I do watch a lot of crime shows I admit and its possible that may play a role somehow.

Today is the day I have been dreading all month. I have a bridal luncheon and a wedding reception tonight. I’m leaving in about 30 minutes so I hope my luck will turn around. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

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Another Small Victory to Add to the Tally

photo by chloemonster1

Today spontaneously at lunch a coworker decided to grill up some hamburgers. I was really hungry and they sounded so yummy. So I added my name to the list of people that wanted one. When it was time to eat, I didn’t even worry about my anxiety. I told myself I am going to eat what I want to and not worry about anything else. It worked. I was so hungry I was eating with everyone and not even caring what anyone might be thinking, and I am pretty positive no one was even thinking anything since I was scarfing it down! I don’t know if that somehow made it a little easier since I was starving, but I’ll take it as a successful situation! For some reason eating around coworkers is one of the toughest things for me and I did it today all by myself; with no Clonozapam as an aid. (I even forgot to pick up my Zoloft refill last night so I didn’t even take that today shhh!) Sure the thought arose in my head that it could be hard for me but I think my subconscious told myself the positive affirmation that has been taped to my alarm clock, “This might be hard, but I can handle it.” My anxiety never got above a 1. I never had to focus on breathing or anything. So I have 2 successes in a row which makes me very happy.

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You Are Mighty

photo by jwtgto64

If anyone is looking for a quick encouraging message I have a couple websites that are a must see:

http://your.phobias.willbedefeated.com

and this next one you have to fill in part of it (for unpersonalized version just click the link otherwise type in the address as needed in your address bar):

http://[type in your firstname].[type in your last name].youaremighty.com

Doesn't that make you feel so much better?

Thanks Ben for showing these to me. They made my day.

UPDATE: Apparently neither of these links take you to those sites anymore. If anyone knows if they exist elsewhere, I would love to know where they went. Thanks!

Spotlight: The Worrier

photo by karl_eschenbach

So this may sound a little cheesy to some, but I have been thinking a lot lately about doing a spotlight on each of the Sub personalities that people with anxiety suffer from to an overwhelming degree (the Worrier, the Perfectionist, the Victim, the Critic). They may appear different to you in your head when you think about each of them but I am going to describe how I see them in me.

Today I want to focus on the Worrier since that is the strongest sub personality that I struggle with.

My worrier is small and weak but very persuasive. She has dark circles because she hardly sleeps and wide bulging bloodshot eyes that skitter back and forth as if they are fueled with electricity. Her hair is frazzled and unkempt and she has a large wart on the end of her nose (Worry Wart, get it?). She can’t sit still for very long. Paranoia consumes her. She lives in a corner where she can keep her back to a wall and she has built a thick concrete wall in front of her that is hard if not impossible to break through because the world is a very scary place to her and she can’t trust anyone. Her heart is overworked, tirelessly pumping adrenaline through her system. She’s constantly rambling nonsense about the future, things that haven’t even happened yet, and fully believes in her own prophecies.

As I think about her I think, what a nutcase! I don’t want to be anything like that! But sadly she creeps into my day to day routine whispering her prophecies in my ear and persuading me that they are somehow true. I know that there are some instances where we should worry as a survival instinct, maybe walking home in the dark or if we hear a noise at night to worry it could be someone breaking in. If we aren’t cautious in these real threatening situations than our survival can obviously be temporary. But it shouldn’t overpower or engulf us everyday to where we create phobias and avoidance. I hope I can somehow cage my Worrier parasite and only call on her when there is a good reason. The more I learn about her the more I can easily point her out when she comes around and the easier it is to tell her to go away.

This was a really fun exercise. I’d be interested in hearing about what anyone else’s Worrier looks or acts like.

Reader Appreciation Day

photo by Sober Chick

I know that I don’t have a host of fans out there but I do have some friends and family and a few new online friends that are pretty diligent readers and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the comments, love, support, and feedback from everyone. I love getting comments and knowing that there are people that are benefiting from my blogging. It really makes it all worth it. If I can help anyone either struggling with their own anxiety or to better understand a loved one going through it than that is a huge bonus for me. Blogging wouldn’t be half as much fun if no one read it, so I just want to let you all know how awesome you are! If there are any questions about a topic that you are more interested in or would like me to mention just let me know and I will do my best :)

Thanks again to all!