Anticipatory Anxiety

photo by Meredith Farmer

You know you suffer from anxiety when you worry about worrying. At the end of June I have a bridal luncheon and a wedding reception dinner for two different people all on the same day. Then a month after that I have a baby shower. My friend just text'd me and invited Tyler and I over for dinner and a movie this weekend. I have a family dinner this Sunday at my Aunts house and another family BBQ in a couple weeks. All of these events give me butterflies anytime the thought of going to any one of them appears in my head. Just listing them all in one place is bothersome, too many of them! I am worrying about me worrying at these events. Not being able to control the worry or panic that I feel and having a panic attack in front of others which would be extremely embarrassing. I've been trying to not think about the dates, procrastinating buying the gifts and responding with RSVPs. I know I have nothing to fear and I just need to prepare for them- write out my negative thoughts and rationalize their validity but it seems so hard.

The following is summarized from the book The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook that I have listed on my home page. Anticipating anxiety, or apprehension between panic attacks focusing on fear of having another one, is one of the hallmarks of panic disorder. If not treated it can lead to agoraphobia (fear of open spaces or better defined as fear of being in a situation where escape from panic attacks are unavailable). The moment you start avoiding situations (for me would be eating in public around others in a formal setting) for fear of panicking, then you've started to develop agoraphobia. From there things only go more downhill. I don't want to take that road. It can lead to depression, fear of leaving the house, etc.

So I don't want to avoid these events even though my insides are screaming for a reason not to go. Instead I have to plan out what I will do in certain circumstances, what I might say if I start losing control. Best case scenario is that I can prepare for each event, go into it with some positive affirmations and confidence in myself, and be able to manage any anxiety that might arise.

In either case the next few weeks are going to be important. I will either grow a lot in experiences where I can manage my anxiety, or I could have some potential setbacks in which I will still learn alot. I am hoping for the former. I'm sure the following posts will include follow up and preparation for all these potential nightmares.

Lessons Learned: Patience and Determination

photo by cahrleskames

The last few days I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to write. Last night I was trying to think of what I should blog about and couldn’t think of any “Ah ha!” moments that I have had recently or any major struggles that I haven’t already blogged about. Sure I have had a few instances where I was anxious but they never elevated to anything past a 2. So I started to think about how nice it is to have these few days of solitude, where even though work is getting busier and more stressful, my mind and body are cooperating with me. So I am counting my blessings for the time being.

Last night I was reading from The Book of Mormon and I read this: “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren… and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.” –Alma 26: 27

It struck me how important that direction was for me in my life. Sometimes it can be so frustrating and exhausting to constantly be worrying or thinking about anxiety and I just want to give up and say, “Well I tried. I guess this is my lot in life and I should just accept my fate.” Or I struggle with “When”. “When will I get over this? When will I not be afraid? When can I be considered cured?” But if there is any lesson to be learned in all of this it is patience. And if I can be patient with my struggles and hurdles, eventually Heavenly Father will give me the success that I so desperately want in my life. He knows better than I do my needs and He will see that I learn whatever it is I need to learn along the way.

Because I am in a good state of mind lately it’s easy to say to myself "Just be patient." I’m sure if this was a bad day I wouldn’t appreciate the response to my When questions very much. So I am thankful for the timing of this lesson and I hope that when things aren’t so easy that I can recall this blog and maybe it will give me some strength to keep fighting, keep learning, and keep trying. Never Give Up.

Nasty Habits of a Habitual Worrier

I give my dog Toby a really hard time about his biting habits. Whenever he gets really excited, he has to bite something, anything, be it you or something you are carrying or our other dog's ears or legs. He just can't help himself. I always yell at him or grab his snout and tell him no because sometimes it really does hurt! And I hate that when I get home everyday the first thing that happens is I get attacked by my own dog!

However, I have made a saddening discovery that I am more like Toby than I care to admit. When I get nervous or anxious, by natural response is to bite! No joke! Not people, lol, but I do have my own quirks.

All my life I have been a nail biter. I used to get in trouble as a kid for doing it. When I am nervous or anxious about something, one of the bad habits I do is start biting my nails. Now my nails are so fragile anytime I actually grow them out any small amount they chip and break pretty quickly. One day I hope to have long beautiful nails, otherwise I might just have to go the manicured way and get the cool fake ones on. But for now, its boy hands for me.

Another bad habit I started because of feeling anxious was biting my lips. This may sound weird or gross, but I would chew on them and peel skin off not even really realizing it. Heres the gross truth about what happens if you do this. Eventually, you destroy a spit valve in your mouth. This causes a bubble called a mucocele to form on the inside of your mouth that will not go away unless it is surgically removed. Its a minor procedure that doesn't take very long at all but its annoying enough to make you go in and get it done. After all was said and done, it cost me around 300 bucks to have it done. So now when I get anxious and I bite on my lips, I feel the small scar inside and ask, do I really have all that money to spend on this right now? And then I stop.

I have been thinking about this post for awhile now and it wasn't until today that I made the connection with me and Toby. I guess I shouldn't give him such a hard time. :)

Level 3 Panic Today

photo by Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha
Even though I had some weird dreams last night and I am pretty tired today, I am in a pretty good mood. Last night I was debating whether I would come in to work today and this morning I knew I was fine and capable of going. Its Friday after all and that almost seems like enough to get through anything. So everything was peachy and then my sister wanted to meet for lunch somewhere so she could give me some money from a project we worked on together. My stomach sank instantly. I haven’t this high a level of anxiety for a good week or two so it was scary to feel that way. Luckily I have been able to manage any anxiety to stay around a 2 or under which is pretty nice. (See blog: Anxiety Scale to understand more about the different degrees of [my] anxiety). So I am writing this now as a way to prepare myself to go and meet her.

Personally, I am not hungry right now. So I am thinking that I will meet her and get food to bring back here to the office for later. That means I will have to struggle with doing that, and trying not to care what she or her husband think about it. Its so weird, I was able to down 2 pieces of pizza at their home last night with no butterflies, but eating out somewhere suddenly makes me all nervous.

I immediately thought of telling her to just mail me the money so I wouldn’t have to be in the situation, but I knew that would be avoidance and I can’t reward my fear. So I will talk it out:

Ok so what am I telling myself to make me feel this way?

What if I can’t eat very much and they will judge me?

What if I tell them I don’t want to eat right now and they judge me for taking it with me?

Positive Affirmations:

• She has been very supportive lately of my eating habits and hasn’t judged me for them.
• It’s my life and I can live it the way I want

Taken from previous blog entries but still apply:

• “I am learning that I don’t have to eat to please others. I only need to eat to please myself.”
• “There’s no need to push myself.”
• “If someone comments that I am not eating enough or taking enough food, so what! I can tell them that I am not very hungry and not worry about what their reaction might be. If they pass judgment on me what’s the worst that could happen? People are going to not like me or think ill of me no matter how “perfect” I might try to be. So I should stop trying to please them and do what I want, because I’m the one that has to eat it. And it might sound awkward but what’s the worst that could happen? They could again pass judgment on me but I have to learn that it’s their problem if they think ill of me, not mine and that I am being me which is the most important thing!” “If I feel sick and I don’t want to eat, than don’t eat. My body will tell me when it is hungry and there is no need to push myself.”

Ok so that brought the anxiety down at least one notch but its not gone completely. So I will take a Clonozapam to ease the nerves.

When I started this blog things were so bad I had to take one of these just to get through breakfast by myself. I haven’t taken one in about a week or so, so I shouldn’t feel guilty at all about taking one for this. This is a big step whether I eat with them or not, because either way I am facing a fear of being judged and learning to love myself the way I am now.

Alright so I have almost 2 hours before I have to meet them at the mall food court. Maybe by then I will be more hungry, but if not I need to not care. I will post later to let you know how I handled it.

*** *** ***

Well it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. It turned out they were about 15-20 minutes late which meant I couldn't stay much longer anyway. So I was just going to get food to bring back to work and they decided to go to a restaurant. So we only ended up seeing each other for a few minutes and there was no eating involved.

I feel guilty however because as I was waiting for them I went to a jewelery store and thought, "I should be rewarding myself for doing this scary thing. I've read that by rewarding yourself often, that will keep you motivated." So I bought myself a fun ring that I thought I could use as a reminder of how I can handle any situation. So now I have this fun ring that I don't really deserve cause I wiggled my way out of the scary situation. But I can still reward myself for the progress I've made this past week, and for going in the first place and not avoiding it altogether I guess. I am the queen of rationalizing purchases. :)

The Power of Nightmares

photo by Kinryuu JFJ
Last night was a terrible night of sleep full of nightmares that had me tossing and turning and waking up crying. It was one of those kind where I am being pursued all night by people that are trying to kill me and it seems so real and so terrifying. When I finally wake up I am so stressed out it doesn't feel like I got any sleep at all, and it puts me in a depressed mood.

I tend to have nightmares pretty regularly. They are of different kinds, sometimes I am driving and I can’t reach the brakes and so I am flying through traffic and can’t stop. Other times its people that are out to kill me and my family. The other night in my dream my jaw wouldn’t open and I had to try to talk with my mouth closed. Sometimes my eyelids won’t open and I wander around blind all night long struggling to see. I get so emotionally involved that its entirely draining, to the point where I consider taking the day off from work to recuperate. This morning it hit me how these nightmares are a continuation of my anxiety all through the night. I don’t get the down time I need, the relaxation that is necessary to function at full capacity the next day. Tyler (my spouse) has gotten used to me waking up in a panic in the middle of the night and he is so good about holding me until I feel better and can fall back asleep. He’s my sanity sometimes I swear.

There are theories out there that suggest nightmares or dreams in general are a way for your subconscious to send you messages about what needs changing in your life.

I found a website that lists a way to understand what your nightmares are trying to tell you:

· chase or attack : The pursuer usually represents a fearful aspect of our shadow, and hence an exaggerated version of a denied or inhibited portion of our own personality that would benefit us if integrated and appropriately expressed. (ideal outcome: standing our ground, facing and dialoguing with our pursuer, and eventually, acceptance and embrace)

· falling dream : Am I feeling heavy, unsupported, worried about something? How can I feel freer, lighter? Also: do I need to be more grounded? (ideal outcome: feeling safe, landing, floating or flying)

· car out of control : Is life too hectic, out of control? How could I slow down, act more peacefully and "enjoy the ride"? (ideal outcome: driving well & within speed limits, walking peacefully)

· unprepared, late for or failing an exam : Am I feeling unprepared for some upcoming event? Unconfident about my performance? Am I worrying needlessly or do I actually need more preparation in order to feel confident and do a good job? (ideal outcome: feeling assured about oneself, performing well)

· stuck in slow motion, unable to move or make any noise : Where am I feeling stuck in life, like I’m getting nowhere or unable to voice my true feelings? What can I do to change it? (ideal outcome: relaxation and acceptance, and eventually, peaceful action & self-expression)

· embarrassed to be nude or naked in public, though nobody seems to notice or mind : Where in life am I feeling unconfident, embarrassed, unskilled? This type of dream is usually pointing out, by the fact that the other characters in the dream don’t seem to notice, that we are the only one viewing our self this way, and usually mistakenly so. (ideal outcome: comfortable with oneself as is, confident)

· personal injury, dismemberment : What part of my life—not usually the physical body—have I been neglecting, mistreating, forgetting—i.e. dis-membering as opposed to remembering? (ideal outcome: healing)

· trapped, locked in : Where am I feeling trapped in life? How might I open myself up to a new perspective, and explore new courses of action? (ideal outcome: breaking out, exploration)

· drowning, threatening waves, tsunami (tidal waves) or flooding : Am I blocking, denying or feeling overwhelmed by my emotions? How might I better acknowledge, accept, and feel these feelings—which often include vulnerability? (ideal outcome: swimming, surfing, breathing underwater)

· helpless, abandoned, or crying baby, monkey, bunny or small animal : Have I been taking care of my "inner child"? Maybe I need to laugh more, play outdoors, express my creativity, be more spontaneous, or enjoy more personal warmth and intimacy? (ideal outcome: caring for baby or animal, playing, simply having fun)

Another theory I have heard is that at night your brain takes all the miscellaneous thoughts from the day and tries to organize them into something that makes sense and creates these dreams as a way of filing them together somewhere.

I don't know what theory I believe, but I am pretty confident that many insecurities and issues that I struggle with in my daily life are taking on a life of their own at night in my head. I have no idea how to stop it. Any thoughts or suggestions out there?

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Morning Anxiety

picture of my backyard at 6 am

This morning I woke up early with a strong sensation of anxiety again. I tried to fall back asleep and ignore it but it kept waking me up every 5 minutes. I was so grateful when my alarm went off and I knew I could start the day and shake it off. I saw one of my affirmations on my bathroom mirror and that perked my spirits a bit. It still wears on me though. I didn't eat very much for breakfast today, and I feel tired from having such a disrupted night's sleep. I found a link to a really cool article on another blogger's site about Morning Anxiety and I want to try to implement a couple of it's suggestions to try to eliminate my morning anxiety.

One thing I definitely need to improve on is getting ready for the morning the night before. I am always late to work and that wouldn't happen as often if I knew ahead of time what I was going to wear, etc.

Something I could aspire to is waking up earlier and doing yoga before I go to work instead of after work. In reality I know I don't have the commitment I would need to actually do that, but it sounds nice :) I'll think about that one some more, and maybe try it out for a little while.

This article also makes me want to buy new bed linens and I have a great excuse to do so! IKEA here I come!

I might also look into getting a little notebook to leave by the bed so when I wake up with those feelings I can jot down whatever it is that I am thinking.

Its good to know that I have already implemented some of the suggestions such as the positive affirmations. Those really seem to help me shake off any anxiety so that it is manageable, maybe at a level 2 on the anxiety scale or below. Those have made the biggest difference for me out of all the lifestyle changes that I have made.

I wonder if one reason I have morning anxiety is because of my anticipatory anxiety about starting the day all over.


UPDATE: Some additional and even more helpful posts on Morning Anxiety as I have continued to work through it: 

• Even More About Morning Anxiety
• More About Morning Anxiety 
  

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BBQ Update

In my last post I talked about a family BBQ that I was preparing for since that is a potential trigger situation for an anxiety attack. It turned out to be very casual and people were eating on and off whenever, so I was very comfortable. I sat next to my niece who was all alone so she wouldn’t feel left out. Part of me wonders if I did that so that I wouldn’t have to eat around everyone else, and it might have been. I was able to eat a lot of good food, and even compliment the chefs while I was eating because I felt that no one was monitoring me or judging what was or wasn’t on my plate.

Besides eating, I also opened up to something I normally wouldn’t have done and played a little volleyball. I didn’t do all that bad and I had a lot of fun. Normally I would have worried too much about embarrassing myself, but I think I am feeling very accepted by my in laws and I am not caring if they see my flaws as much as I used to.

Also, one of my new hobbies is photography, and so I spent a lot of time focusing on others instead of myself and what might be going on in my own head. I was able to get some great shots of the kids which makes me happy.

Overall it was such a fun party and I wanted to do another one again, rather than avoid it, which definitely is progress!

Anna my 6 year old niece

Ava my newest niece 2 months old

The Grill Master

Harrison my little nephew

Heidi and Dakota- my Sister in law and 4 year old niece