Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Endure it Well

Yesterday morning I awoke with the familiar butterflies in my stomach and the anxiety levels rising. I could feel it getting worse even though I was trying to breathe deeply. I started to get really frustrated. I was tired of feeling sick. I was feeling guilty and annoyed that I was still feeling anxious. I started to worry that things wouldn't get better.

But if I think about it, I have been rushing this whole process. I keep expecting to feel better and then when I don't I am immediately put into a bad mood.

So my mantra yesterday was "You don't have to be all better today."

I really think this lesson is learning to love myself WITH my anxiety. I don't have to be all better in order to be worthy of love and respect from myself.

So last night I was reading in the Bible and came across a story that was an answer to my prayers.

It is about a father that brings his son who has a demon inside him to Jesus to be healed.

Mark 9: 22-24 (bold and italics added)

22 And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have acompassion on us, and help us.
 23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are apossible to him that bbelieveth.
 24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine aunbelief.

This story was another reminder to me that I need to have faith that things will get better. And that I need to pray for help with my doubts and frustration. 

So my goal is to try to stay positive and patient even though things are really crappy. I don't want to fall into the victim trap where I revel in the sympathy that others may give me when they hear of my situation. I want to be strong even when I feel so weak. I don't just want to endure this, I want to "endure it well".

D&C 121:8-
"8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

So this morning I woke up with panic. Not worst case panic but pretty severe. I had burning in my arms and breathing wasn't helping. So I told myself its ok if still need to take Clonazepam to help me through the day. So I took one and although it made me tired for awhile, I am now feeling much better. 

I'll get to where I want to be someday, but it doesn't have to be today. I just have to remember that.



Mrs.HVK said...

I really think this lesson is learning to love myself WITH my anxiety.

Ditto!! I could have written this myself.

Tiffany said...

So very true, this is a lesson I'm learning as well. Since the worst, debilitating part of my panic has passed I'm now learning to get back to life WITH anxiety. It's hard but encouraging when I actually manage to get out and enjoy things in spite of my struggle. I've learned to face the anxiety, no matter where I am instead of avoid and fear it.

I like the idea of learning to LOVE myself with anxiety. It's just a part of life right now.

Anonymous said...

That is such a powerful statement and a lesson that I am also learning ("I really think this lesson is learning to love myself WITH my anxiety.")

It has been such an intense summer for me with my anxiety and I fought against it at times and felt frustrated with myself for being so anxious and finally I just decided to do the best I could with where ever I was in the anxiety on a given day.

I can now happily report that I am feeling relatively calm again after an entire summer of high anxiety. But for me "calm" is still rather anxious since I pretty much live and function at the high end of anxiety-- that is my "calm."

Lady Delphinium

jburkett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Hi Aimee,

Sorry that you are struggling with anxiety currently. I have been following your blog for a while and you were feeling so well it seemed.

Anyway, you seem to have the right attitude and are using your coping skills very well.

Being patient is so difficult when our anxiety rises up and yet it is one of the keys to getting through a flare up.

It is great that you try to stay positive and I practice the same although sometimes I find the battle to stay positive can even increase my anxiety and in those situations I try and work on acceptance at the same time knowing it will get better eventually.

Hope you feel better soon,

Jill said...

I admire your faith. When I was growing up, I was very active in my religion (Catholic). When I started having panic attacks in church, I used to wonder why God would do that to me, when there was so very little that gave me comfort.

I know now that my thinking was all wrong- now I KNOW that if God brings me to it, He will bring me through it- and He is. My life is amazing for the most part, from the anxiety perspective.

Bad days are a reminder that setbacks are part of the process of anxiety recovery. Feel better soon Aimee!

Anonymous said...

I think the hardest part for me was to finally admit to myself that anxiety has been and probably always will be a part of my life - sometimes a big part and sometimes a small part. I have been "working" with anxiety for 43 years - from when I was 18 years old. Back then I had no idea what was going on and was scared to death to even discuss it. We've come a long way since then. Even now, though, there are times when I fool myself into thinking that I'm fine and will never feel nervous or anxious again, only to be disappointed because it inevitably creeps back. But I try not to let it bring me down and I force myself to live the life I have been given and to just "deal with it". I wish you all the best Aimee. Try to be strong but have patience with yourself too.

EllieJay said...

Hi Aimee-

I am glad you are staying positive, that is truly the hardest thing to do, even though to others it can sound easy. I have said it before in other comments I think, but your blog is the #1 reason I was able to pull myself out of a very very bad morning anxiety funk earlier in the year that lasted 5 months and made me lose 20lbs. Your blog was there to validate all my feelings and let me know I would be ok and it was ok to take it slow. I wish I had someway to help you as you helped me, but hopefully telling you how much you helped will at least put a smile on your face.

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