The Buildup and the Inevitable Fall:
Today started out as a pretty ok day. I woke up with some slight anxiety thinking about everyting I wanted to do. But usually I can shrug my morning anxiety off by getting out of bed and getting on with my day. When it didn't go away today I decided I needed to do some yoga, one of the things on my checklist anyway. I did yoga and a little gardening before the thunderstorms came rolling in, checking another thing off the list. Both of these things are very therapeutic for me and I usually feel great after doing them. Not today. While I was doing the yoga I could tell that I wasn't letting go mentally and I felt like it was forced. My baby woke up and so while feeding her a bottle I noticed everything I had already accomplished and thought about how all that I had left was getting my work hours in. Stomache churns. After setting her down to play, I could feel the intensity of my anxiety grow. The burning in the neck and arms, the sweating, heart beating faster, etc. And you would think I would have learned my lesson by now but no. Instead of accepting my anxiety, telling myself positive thoughts to help me through it, knowing that it will eventually pass; I fought it thinking perfectionist and critical thoughts like "I have to stop feeling this way!" "Why do I do this to myself?" "I am a mess!" "I will never have a normal life" "I am going to ruin my kids life!" etc. which of course only aggravates the situation and makes it worse. So I wrote out all my thoughts that I thought brought on the attack, worked on some positive affirmations but still I just can't shake it today. I am trying to work and I can't focus on anything. I just feel yucky. I took a little clonozepam finally to see if that will help, but so far, nothing.
Potentially Unproductive Venting Session: Read at Your Own Risk!!
I just want to vent about how much I hate anxiety. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I wish that my mind would filter thoughts normally and not run on overdrive all the time. Sure its an opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth and I remind myself that I am still a good person even with the anxiety in my life, but I am tired of it today and just don't want to deal with the struggle. I know there is nothing going on that I should be soooo drastically worried about, so why, why, why!!! Argh, I guess I am just frustrated. Thanks for listening.
Let's Break it Down: After thrashing it all out on paper I have come to the conclusion that I need to reevaluate the whole work situation. Right now there isn't much that I can change about it although I desperately wish I could ultimately quit and just be a stay at home mom. But since thats not an option at the moment and more of a goal, I have to work with where I am at now. 30 hours a week plus watching an almost walking 11 month old is HARD. Its overwhelming at times which spurs some anxiety. However I also can't reduce the hours because we will need the insurance benefits in a few weeks. We've thought about Day Care but I know my first responsibility is to be a Mother and I just feel better knowing that I am the one raising my child, (even if internally I worry that my anxiety is going to screw her up). So ultimately I have to change my negative thoughts about my work because it is the driving force behind my anxiety lately, specifically today.
I worry soooo much that if I don't constantly prove myself worthy to hold my position to my boss, showing him that I am working hard at home, that he will assume I am not doing anything and fire me.
When I rationalize the situation, there is no merit to worrying so much about it.
- My boss has already stuck up for me and my position to the company CEO who was questioning the validity of the position and if what I was doing was "effective."
- He has also listed me as doing everything that I have been asked of and more on reports of employee performance.
- Since I work with schools all over the country, many of them are out for the summer and so my work load is lightening. Its getting harder to find productive things to do and that is making me worry more about my performance because I feel I need stellar reports every week or else! However everyone in the departments work load is decreasing so my boss is expecting that. If I am really concerned I can ask him for more projects.
- Plus if the worst case scenario happened and I get fired I ultimately think it would be a blessing. Sure it would be stressful and we would have to figure some things out and get rid of some luxuries, but then I could stay at home with my Little and not have to work all day long. It could take a lot of other stress away.
I still need to learn to live in the PRESENT not the past or future. And presently, everything is fine.