Slacking Off has No Pay Off

photo by cybertoad
I have seen this happen to other bloggers and I think its been happening to me lately. You get to thinking you can let your guard down. You can't get too comfortable with your anxiety because thats when you start skipping yoga sessions, (haven't done it in forever), skipping medication (I haven't taken it in 2 days cause my prescription ran out and I keep forgetting to pick it up), not taking time to prepare for situations (I have been feeling more anxious than I have in while when I am in social gatherings.) You get to thinking that everything is ok and you are doing so much better so its ok if you skip just this once. You forget how crappy it feels. You forget why you work so hard to prevent and manage it. You start to think you don't need to do so much work.

Its so hard for me to get in the habit of doing what I know I should and its so easy to become lazy and slack off. Then I curse at myself when the anxiety seeps back in. And now I feel overwhelmed at the idea of getting back those good habits I had once formed. Yoga is awesome and I feel so much better after doing it, but it is so hard to make the time when I feel so tired. Taking my meds isn't hard, I am just forgetful and I need to be better about that. Preparing before I go out with others is time consuming and takes a lot of focus and concentration.

I have heard that habits take 21 days to form and only 7 days to break (good habits anyway). An article I found says this about forming habits:

"It takes at least 21 days to form a habit. This means that you have to do something at least 21 times before it begins to become part of your everyday routine. So . . .

1. Decide exactly what you want to do. Write it down and post it where you can see it every day, like your bathroom mirror. Be as specific as possible.
   
   
2. Schedule time to do what you want to do. Again, it takes 21 days to form a habit, so schedule at least 21 days on your calendar and don't let anything get in the way of your schedule. If you miss one of your scheduled days, it's best to start over and schedule another 21 days. You must be consistent and dedicated to doing what you want to do.
   
   
3. Once you reach your 21 days, congratulations! Don't stop now though, schedule another 21 days, and then another and so on, until you do those things you want to do, without even thinking about them . . . like brushing your teeth."

So what I am learning is there is no real pay off when slacking off. Managing anxiety is hard work that has to be done EVERY DAY. So stick to your goals and don't give up. Don't give in, and don't get lazy like me!

P.S. I am going to go more in depth tomorrow on making and keeping goals for those interested.

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Confidence wavering

photo by Mark Grealish

The last couple days I can feel my confidence dropping. Certain negative thoughts will arise and I find myself believing them rather than fighting them. This may be one of my biggest downfalls, never content with myself, never feeling good enough, and not knowing how to change that.

Another thing thats been bothering me lately. I have been married for 5 years (next Friday) and I have been off birth control for about a year and a half. We are living by the idea that if I get pregnant, thats great, if not, thats cool too. Just letting nature do its thing. But lately the thought of actually being pregnant is very scary to me. Not so much the idea of having a child because I think that would be awesome. Not even so much of the labor and delivery. But mostly I am panicky about the nine months of caring for this baby. I worry that I won't be able to gain the needed weight to keep it healthy. I worry that I will be prone to miscarriages and high risk pregnancies with my low weight. I know that maybe I should wait until I am in a really good place anxiety wise but at the same time, its been over a year and I am surprised that it hasn't happened yet. We made plans 5 years ago based on the idea that we would have already had children by now. So I don't want to put it off if its going to be really hard for me to have children. I figure let nature take its course, and I will be able to handle it when it happens. Besides, is anyone ever really ready for that big step? And maybe I will never be in a really good place with my anxiety. Maybe I just have to learn how to deal with anxiety and being pregnant just like I do for other triggers. I am worried that I will be overly critical of myself if something were to go wrong. I think I would feel like it was my fault, that I didn't eat the right things or take care of myself the way I should. But then again everything could be perfectly fine so why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet? I tell myself these things and it makes sense but that doesn't take the anxiety of it all away.

I got a really awesome raise a few weeks ago and lately I am feeling very unworthy of it. I am hiring people that are definitely more technical than I am and that makes me feel a little bit worthless. So I tell myself, just cause they are technical that doesn't mean they would be a good leader or manager (which is what I do). But somehow that doesn't balance the scales for me.

If I am honest I am really proud of what I have accomplished in my life. I feel that I have an awesome career and I am making more money than I ever thought I could without a degree. I have a home that we bought all by ourselves, I have a great marriage-I should be really happy right? Its never enough. Its always so much easier to focus on the bad. Would a degree really make me feel all that better? Will I ever be technical enough? Will my body ever be good enough?

Sorry for the pity party. It's the big mystery in my life. How do you gain confidence in yourself?


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Wondering if You Have Anxiety?- Assess Your Stress

photo by In The Sun Studio
Some of the new visitors to the blog may be wondering if you have anxiety or not. It took me YEARS to figure out that I had anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes its hard to understand what is happening to you. Many people wander into ER's all the time with potential heart attacks or thinking that they are dying only to find out that they were having a panic attack. So its important to find out why your body is doing something that has you concerned.

I found a stress test on Webmd that can help you evaluate if you have a high level of stress or not. It also has an article about managing your anxiety which I think is pretty interesting. It lists some symptoms to help you know if you should seek help or not as well as how to cope with your symptoms. Here is a small excerpt:

"When anxiety is taking a toll, your body knows it. You have trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. You get headaches; your stomach is upset. You might even have a panic attack -- the pounding heart, a feeling of lightheadedness.

Anxiety may also feel like depression. "The two sometimes overlap," Ross says.

When anxiety becomes so overwhelming that it interferes with day-to-day activities -- when it keeps you from going places, from doing things you need to do -- that's when you need help, says Ross."

I hope everyone can rule one more thing out or finally find some answers.


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Shout Out to Beaumont

photo by Angel-Jane
In looking at my traffic it appears the majority of viewers come from Beaumont (either Texas or Washington). I just wanted to leave a quick shout out to those viewers with a thanks. From the high numbers I can't help but be more curious about who it is that is there. Is it just MSN polling my site or is it real actual readers? Any other bloggers have the same phenomenon? Who is all from there? How did you find my site? Is there anything that you are looking for that I can help you with?

Lets have this be a global shout out as well! Anyone who visits the blog leave a comment about where your from (if you are ok with leaving that info- it can be vague) how you found the site, and any questions or thoughts that you have about anxiety. I already know some of the readers but you can leave it again if you want for others to see. We'll open it up as a message board. Even if you don't suffer from anxiety I still want to get to know more about my readers.

I'll start. I am from Salt Lake City, Utah and I have social anxiety. I have had it since high school and have only diagnosed it since October of 2006. I have made lots of progress but have a long way to go still. I really enjoy helping others that are going through the same or similar things that I have gone through.

Don't be shy! (Well I guess thats a horrible thing to say especially if people have social anxiety like I do.) If you want to be shy thats fine, but I still would love to see some comments from others. :)


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Why Me?

photo by Michelle Gibson

A lot of us tend to fall into the victim like thinking of "Why me? Why do I have to struggle with this when others don't? I think I'm a good person, so why do bad things happen to good people?"

This line of questioning is closely related to spiritual discussions such as "How could God let this happen?" I don't know if you are religious or not, but I am, and that in turn drives my thought process. I can't separate my religious beliefs and my thoughts on anxiety as both deeply are a part of me. So if you get offended about topics that are religious in nature you might want to stop reading now, although I encourage you to continue because I think I have found some interesting stuff.

So- back to the "Why do bad things happen to good people?" question. I found a really cool quote that explains it much better than I could:

"Now, we find many people critical when a righteous person is killed, a young father or mother is taken from their family, or when violent deaths occur. [my own insert... or when we struggle with daily pain and suffering of anxiety, panic, and or depression.] Some become bitter when oft-repeated prayers seem unanswered. Some lose faith and turn sour when solemn administrations by holy men seem to be ignored and no restoration comes from repeated prayer circles. But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended.
If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil- all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, no Satanic controls. Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, or disappointment, or even death; and if these were not, there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood."

-Spencer W. Kimball

It makes sense doesn't it? There has to be opposition in all things. How can we know and understand joy if we never feel pain? How can we appreciate the good days without the bad? How can we enjoy life if there were no death?

You Never Know What Others Are Struggling With

photo by simon.flanagan
Last night I had two girls and their significant others over. The men left to go rent a movie and the three of us were left to just talk. At first it was a little awkward, not knowing what to say, but the conversation quickly turned to something very interesting. I can't remember how the topic came up, but one girl confessed that she suffered from depression and how she just barely got off her meds because her fiance thought she didn't need them. (Duh! she seems normal BECAUSE of the meds). So now she has been off them for about 3 weeks and she is extremely emotional, crying all the time. She talked about how she has panic attacks and passes out sometimes, and how hard it is for her to make friends because she is so self conscious about what others think about her. Then the other girl opened up about how she thought she had depression too and how her husband would get offended when she would talk about it because he assumed if she was depressed it was because of him somehow. She said she also had a hard time making friends because girls have always been so mean to her in the past. I was sitting there thinking, this whole time I was worried about me and my anxiety and what they thought of me, while they were worried about themselves and what they are going through and what I thought of them! For awhile I thought the first girl didn't like me because she was so quiet and never seemed to talk to me or want to get to know me. In reality she was so shy and didn't think I liked her. It also made me realize just how supportive Tyler is of me and my anxiety. It really makes me grateful for the "ah-ha" moment.

So we talked about how we should hang out more since we all have so much in common and we have fun together. It was a real eye opener for me.

What is Anxiety?