photo by Space Potato
Seriously, is Recovery even real? Or is it something doctors make up to tell their patients so that they will keep coming back over and over again for more medication, more therapy, more hope. Can someone with anxiety ever be "normal"?
I have been trying to be grateful and soak in the goodness I have been feeling lately since I haven't had a full on panic attack but that doesn't mean I am cured. I am far from it. I still get anxious and I have anticipatory anxiety and I am majorly avoiding my fears. This weekend I have a conference for work that involves a luau and a family BBQ. Did I think to myself, "Oh that sounds like fun. I can't wait to go." No. In fact I put down that I wouldn't be attending. Why? Because I don't know how to drive there and I don't want to stress about trying to find it myself or feel stupid for putting someone out of their way for a ride. Also because I will be going alone and I don't feel like having to eat at a small table with other coworkers since that is really hard for me. So what am I doing? I am avoiding the whole situation. But then I feel guilty that I am giving into my fears and I can't do that. So I think I have talked myself into going to one of them.
I also have some friends coming over Friday to see our new room in our basement and we'll have a BBQ. Am I crazy? I want them to come over yes, but I don't want to BBQ. I am dreading the BBQ. Anytime I think about it I get butterflies. What is wrong with me? I should be excited to see friends.
My friend at work who has been nothing but nice to me is having a baby shower Aug. 3rd. That happens to be my 5 year anniversary. I should be really bummed that I won't be able to make it, but instead its a huge relief because I won't have to worry about eating in front of a bunch of women.
I guess I am letting The Victim and The Perfectionist in, but I can't help but feel like enough is enough.
I want to feel what "recovery" tastes like. Just a sample. To me recovery doesn't mean the panic attacks are gone. Recovery means I look at social events with my friends, family, and coworkers as something to look forward to, something to want to be involved in. Recovery means not avoiding "life."
Is that even possible? Will this always be something I manage, like some chronic illness? I've read that you can be "cured" in 6 months to a couple years. I think I have to see it to believe it.
What does "recovery" mean to you?
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