Friday, July 27, 2007
Another thing thats been bothering me lately. I have been married for 5 years (next Friday) and I have been off birth control for about a year and a half. We are living by the idea that if I get pregnant, thats great, if not, thats cool too. Just letting nature do its thing. But lately the thought of actually being pregnant is very scary to me. Not so much the idea of having a child because I think that would be awesome. Not even so much of the labor and delivery. But mostly I am panicky about the nine months of caring for this baby. I worry that I won't be able to gain the needed weight to keep it healthy. I worry that I will be prone to miscarriages and high risk pregnancies with my low weight. I know that maybe I should wait until I am in a really good place anxiety wise but at the same time, its been over a year and I am surprised that it hasn't happened yet. We made plans 5 years ago based on the idea that we would have already had children by now. So I don't want to put it off if its going to be really hard for me to have children. I figure let nature take its course, and I will be able to handle it when it happens. Besides, is anyone ever really ready for that big step? And maybe I will never be in a really good place with my anxiety. Maybe I just have to learn how to deal with anxiety and being pregnant just like I do for other triggers. I am worried that I will be overly critical of myself if something were to go wrong. I think I would feel like it was my fault, that I didn't eat the right things or take care of myself the way I should. But then again everything could be perfectly fine so why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet? I tell myself these things and it makes sense but that doesn't take the anxiety of it all away.
I got a really awesome raise a few weeks ago and lately I am feeling very unworthy of it. I am hiring people that are definitely more technical than I am and that makes me feel a little bit worthless. So I tell myself, just cause they are technical that doesn't mean they would be a good leader or manager (which is what I do). But somehow that doesn't balance the scales for me.
If I am honest I am really proud of what I have accomplished in my life. I feel that I have an awesome career and I am making more money than I ever thought I could without a degree. I have a home that we bought all by ourselves, I have a great marriage-I should be really happy right? Its never enough. Its always so much easier to focus on the bad. Would a degree really make me feel all that better? Will I ever be technical enough? Will my body ever be good enough?
Sorry for the pity party. It's the big mystery in my life. How do you gain confidence in yourself?
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