So today is Monday, and Mondays for me are filled with meetings and social situations and ya know, stuff- that could result in anxiety. It starts off with an early morning meeting directed by the CEO that I have to be on time for and sound somewhat intelligent in. So I stress about getting up and getting ready and leaving the house on time. This morning I left 15 minutes earlier than I usually do. The roads seemed determined to make me late as I sat in construction for ten minutes and then went 20mph down the freeway for some accident or who knows what. I made it to work and walked into the meeting only 3 minutes late, not bad. I wasn’t the last one to arrive. Then after the meeting I was so busy getting work in order that I hardly remembered to take my medicine. The other issue with this Monday is that it is Age Planning which means we all gather in a conference room with pizza and plan out the next two weeks worth of work. I am struggling right now just to eat a muffin and grape juice for breakfast so I know I won’t want any of that pizza. So I am going to go in with the attitude and affirmation that I made up and worked with over the weekend, “I am learning that I don’t have to eat to please others. I only need to eat to please myself.” So hopefully in 5 minutes if there is pizza I will be strong and say “I don’t want any thanks.” If someone asks me about it and the most important part- NOT WORRY about what they might think of that statement. I think I can do it.
** So it turns out the meeting didn’t have pizza in it today so I dodged that bullet. Which just goes to show you shouldn’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.
The next meeting that happens on Monday is where you go to a group of people that are called “The Customer” and report on what you did the last two weeks and what you plan to do for the next two weeks. Many people like to refer to this meeting as “Going to the Principal’s office”. They also have a display of snacks and goodies out on the table for people to munch on. I will sometimes load up my plate with a few things and nibble on some in the meetings, then take the rest back to my cube. The meeting in general always makes me nervous.
The last thing is my hour drive to my therapist. The drive itself is the stressor as I am not comfortable with driving places I am not familiar with and going to her is still relatively new. I think I will be ok today though, since I made it there last week on time and without getting lost. Also I am not super comfortable with her yet so its all a little awkward still.
These Monday meetings and social situations always heighten my overall level of anxiety throughout the entire day.
So here it is at lunchtime and I have had a glass of grape juice and half of a muffin for breakfast. I can tell that I am a little bit hungry but nothing sounds good and I am still anxious about eating in general. It feels like lately it takes me all day long to get the courage to eat anything substantial. I start out nibbling on breakfast, nibbling on lunch, and then have a solid dinner and maybe snack. I don’t know why. Let me try to talk it out:
Situation: Not really wanting to eat lunch alone in my cubicle, even though I can tell my body needs food.
Q: What am I telling myself to make me feel this way?
Rational Response: Eating only a little bit is better than not eating at all. Eventually the more little bits I eat the more comfortable I will be with eating and I can start to challenge myself to eat more. But baby steps. I only need to go as far as I want to. There is no reason to feel bad about myself. I am already worthy as a person and I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I love myself just the way I am now.I still don't feel very much better about lunch but I will give it a shot.