Friday, June 1, 2007

Humbling Adversity But Not Alone

photo by herby_fr
This morning when I woke up it was the same as other mornings where my stomach was already twisted in anxiety. I was annoyed with my body- it’s like it wouldn’t even give the day a chance it just has to start out with the attitude of failure. So I laid in bed and I did some deep breathing exercises telling myself positive affirmations to try to calm my stomach. I felt good enough to get in the shower. Somehow the positive statements I was telling myself really put me in a good mood because after my shower I felt great. I felt like I could take on the world. Then as quick as I felt it come I could feel it leave me as I started to realize my stomach was growling. I told myself that was a good thing. But my worry wasn’t that I was hungry but more of that I would have to eat breakfast and that seems to be hard for me these days. I was overgeneralizing. That means that because I’ve had one bad experience in a particular situation I assume that bad experience will always repeat itself in similar situations. I struggle with overgeneralizing a lot, and I have a hard time rationalizing myself to think otherwise. Something to work on. So I said a prayer in my closet that I could feel the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost and feel my Heavenly Father’s love for me. Then I made myself some chocolate weight gainer so that if I was having issues with breakfast I could maybe drink some calories. It’s easier for me to drink than to eat sometimes.

So on my drive to work I started to think about the Jesus. Sometimes when I am struggling with something I like to think of Jesus and a time in His life where He might have felt the same way. I know He felt fear and anxiety but I was trying to think of a time where He might have felt the intense phobic fear that I sometimes feel. And then it hit me. The Atonement. When He suffered in Gethsemane it was for my sins but also for my pains and sufferings. He struggled there feeling EXACTLY what I am feeling everyday in order to be able to help me now. He knows how I am feeling. He’s been there, for me and for everyone. It made me feel not so alone and a sense of peace and love. My prayer was answered.

So when I got to work I took my time and took my pills and nibbled on a roll. All morning long I had to do deep breathing because the anxiety kept coming back. But the breathing worked a little bit. I kept telling myself, “There’s no need to push myself.” So I have been successfully keeping my anxiety this morning between a 1 and 3 mainly with my breathing exercises.

Today I am not feeling hopeless, but I am feeling tired. This is so hard. I know it’s my adversity to bear but sometimes it is all consuming never ending and I hate it. I am blessed to live a pretty comfortable lifestyle, I have a home that I love, a good job, and although I am not rich by any means, I am not lining up for welfare or handouts so I consider myself blessed. If this is a challenge that I am given than I accept it. It just sucks and today I am tired and sad that its mine. It’s very humbling, telling the people around you that you are struggling with something. It’s nice to let people know so I don’t have to hide it and they can understand, but it’s extremely embarrassing too. I am not perfect, but who is right?


Ben said...

Ben told me about your blog journaling. (I had to use his google account since I don't have one.) Thanks for letting him share this with me. Journaling has been a great benefit for me too. And, you're right. You're not alone! : )

Ben said...

p.s. That was from me, Becca.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...