This morning when I woke up it was the same as other mornings where my stomach was already twisted in anxiety. I was annoyed with my body- it’s like it wouldn’t even give the day a chance it just has to start out with the attitude of failure. So I laid in bed and I did some deep breathing exercises telling myself positive affirmations to try to calm my stomach. I felt good enough to get in the shower. Somehow the positive statements I was telling myself really put me in a good mood because after my shower I felt great. I felt like I could take on the world. Then as quick as I felt it come I could feel it leave me as I started to realize my stomach was growling. I told myself that was a good thing. But my worry wasn’t that I was hungry but more of that I would have to eat breakfast and that seems to be hard for me these days. I was overgeneralizing. That means that because I’ve had one bad experience in a particular situation I assume that bad experience will always repeat itself in similar situations. I struggle with overgeneralizing a lot, and I have a hard time rationalizing myself to think otherwise. Something to work on. So I said a prayer in my closet that I could feel the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost and feel my Heavenly Father’s love for me. Then I made myself some chocolate weight gainer so that if I was having issues with breakfast I could maybe drink some calories. It’s easier for me to drink than to eat sometimes.
So on my drive to work I started to think about the Jesus. Sometimes when I am struggling with something I like to think of Jesus and a time in His life where He might have felt the same way. I know He felt fear and anxiety but I was trying to think of a time where He might have felt the intense phobic fear that I sometimes feel. And then it hit me. The Atonement. When He suffered in
So when I got to work I took my time and took my pills and nibbled on a roll. All morning long I had to do deep breathing because the anxiety kept coming back. But the breathing worked a little bit. I kept telling myself, “There’s no need to push myself.” So I have been successfully keeping my anxiety this morning between a 1 and 3 mainly with my breathing exercises.
Today I am not feeling hopeless, but I am feeling tired. This is so hard. I know it’s my adversity to bear but sometimes it is all consuming never ending and I hate it. I am blessed to live a pretty comfortable lifestyle, I have a home that I love, a good job, and although I am not rich by any means, I am not lining up for welfare or handouts so I consider myself blessed. If this is a challenge that I am given than I accept it. It just sucks and today I am tired and sad that its mine. It’s very humbling, telling the people around you that you are struggling with something. It’s nice to let people know so I don’t have to hide it and they can understand, but it’s extremely embarrassing too. I am not perfect, but who is right?