Sunday, May 10, 2009

They're Here...

A few posts back I mentioned how well I have been doing. Its true, for the last year and a half my anxiety has been all but non existent, or really low and life was good. However, its as if by posting on my success the angry anxiety demons became enraged and decided to remind me that they are still around always lingering deep inside. For me, sometimes the anxiety war really does feel like you are battling demons inside of you.

I posted on the panic I had all last Wednesday morning, but my anxiety didn't stop there. I was hopeful and positive when all was said and done that it was a one-time weird phenomenon and that all would go back to normal. But it lingered a little on Thursday, Friday I got a break, but Saturday and today it has arrived and decided to stay. I have had horrible anticipatory anxiety the whole weekend.

I am pretty sure that some recent past and upcoming stressors have caused my anxiety to return. I am stressing right now over a 3 day long upcoming family reunion in a couple weeks that is about 3-4 hours away from home.

Its always been a cycle for me where I have really bad anxiety and then it goes away for awhile. But it always comes back eventually. This time, it had been so long since I have had the really bad anxiety that I had let myself think that maybe I really had overcome the worst and that their were only brighter days ahead. The anxiety I was feeling in my life was tolerable and I could live a happy medication free life. I think that's why this setback is hitting me emotionally so hard.

I am feeling so nauseous and unable to eat anything. But worse than the physical unpleasantness is how upset I am over its return. I feel SO defeated, alone, and like a total failure. I feel like I have lost all control over my thoughts and my body. I feel like its my fault that the daily anxiety has returned. That I did or am doing something wrong and I am a horrible person for having this and putting my family through it. I feel like no one around me will understand what I am going through and will just think I am weird. I know I am going to have to fight this through all over again and the battle is so hard, so completely life consuming and I don't know if I have the strength to do it again. Let's just say I've been crying alot.

A few years ago when my anxiety was at its worst, I only had to worry about me. I could waste away to 99-100 lbs in my work cubicle everyday and deal with my anxiety in the smallest of babysteps I felt I needed to, but this time I have a baby to look after and if I don't eat, I don't have the energy I need to keep up with her. So there's some pressure this time.

So the question is, do I go back on medication or not? I feel that I should if the daily anticipatory anxiety doesn't stop because it is effecting my ability to do the simplest daily tasks. However the consequence is that I won't be able to nurse my little one anymore and she will have to go on formula for a few months until she can drink whole milk. The abrupt weaning will be hard on both of us as opposed to the gradual weaning I was planning on. I am planning to go to my doctor tomorrow to talk to him about it and see what he thinks.

Its back, unfortunately. But at least this time I have the knowledge and tools I need to work through it and I can remind myself that I have beaten it before and I can do it again. I got my Anxiety and Phobia Workbook out and have been rereading it for a refresher. It has brought me some comfort today. Also my husband has been so loving and supportive and that means alot. I know there are a lot of you out there with similar experiences and I am so sorry for you. Let's help each other battle the demons.

9 comments:

qtestcato said...

Your blog has taught me so much, and has given me hope with my new found anxiety and panic disorder. You should take comfort in knowing that you CAN get this under control again, and it will get better. It most likely will not be easy, but the feeling of knowing you are in control of your mind and body should give you a great sense of empowerment. Your children will be so proud of the strong woman they have for a mother. Bless you on your next journey! Happy Mother's day

Robert said...

Sorry to hear that your anxiety has returned. I personally feel that going back on meds would be a retrograde move.

Good luck.

Katie said...

I have been suffering from anxiety and panic disorder for almost 10 years now and it has been a struggle that some and goes. My anxiety was always based on agorophobia, and being able to "get away" and get home to my safe place whenever I needed. Somewhat recently I have been having more problems with generalized anxiety. I am panicking at home, at work, freaking myself out by thinking of all the things that could go wrong. It has been really hard for me to deal with this new fork in the road of anxiety. I recently discovered your blog and it made me feel so much better knowing that there was someone out there with the same thoughts as me. Tonight when I just read your most recent posting, it brought me to tears. I also feel that horrible feeling of defeat, and that I have lost control over my thoughts and my body. It was as if reading your blog was reading my own diary, word for word. I just want you to know that your family loves you so much and they will help you however they can, and we just have to remember that these set backs do go away. There is hope! That is what I keep telling myself. This discomfort is temporary. We can, and will, be ourselves again. Thank you for being out there...

Aimée said...

qtestcato,

Thank you so much for those words of encouragement. Sometimes you just need to vent and have someone tell you everything will be alright. Thanks so much.

---------------------------------

Thanks Robert, I will keep you posted on what happens.

Aimée said...

Katie,

Although unfortunate for you to also have the anxiety, I am glad to know that I am not alone. I like what you said about how we can and will be ourselves again. The anxiety doesn't define who we are! Thanks for the ray of hope. :)

Joe Hass said...

The meds: a definite yes. As someone who has been on and off (currently on) meds for years: there's absolutely no shame in going back on the meds. It isn't a question of "am I slipping." It's a question of accepting that you need some help (which anyone who deals with this knows happens).

That first rough patch after a clear stretch is always a bitch. Nothing like one part of your brain reminding the other "who's boss."

Bottom line: keep on keeping on. Even if you can only focus on 60 seconds at a time, you'd be amazed at how well it'll work.

Fresh Squeezed Lemons said...

I can't begin to explain how elated it made me to stumble upon your blog today. I recently started my own blog to chronicle my path of recovery, which I decided started about a week ago. I hate feeling like I am all alone and even though your most recent post terrifies me because once it is gone, I want it to stay away, it does give me hope to know that it can be overcome even if only briefly. I am also really interested about how you managed pregnancy and your anxiety. I would really like to start a family soon but I my anticipatory anxiety (among other things) keeps me from doing so. I would love to hear about an insights you can offer. If you'd like, you can read/follow my blog here http://www.freshlysqueezedlemons.blogspot.com/

souciante said...

Sorry you have been unwell again and hope you feel better very soon. Your blog gives a lot of help to others and I wish I could help you in return, or at least reach through the screen and hug you!

Anonymous said...

I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for over 10 years. The Linden Method is the only thing that helped. I wrote an article about it here:

http://www.articlesbase.com/psychology-articles/my-personal-experience-with-the-linden-method-and-how-it-helped-me-6299344.html

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