So far today is a better day. I woke up feeling extremely anxious, heart pounding, mind racing, etc. I just laid in bed for a few minutes and took some deep breaths. I told myself some positive affirmations such as "This may be hard today, but I can handle it. I can do it!" and "I can accept these feelings and let my body do its thing. I know it will eventually pass." So then I got out of bed and waited to throw up. Everyday I have been throwing up so I have been waiting to take my medication until after I think I can keep it down. But I never had to this morning. I was also able to go out and distract myself enough with other things that I could shake off the anxiety a bit. Enough to where I didn't feel the need to take a Clonazepam. So I took my Zoloft and have been going on with my day.
1. Didn't throw up this morning
2. Didn't have to take Clonazepam
3. Was able to ignore the anxiety enough to do what I needed to do
4. Took a shower and got dressed
I have been feeling pretty good about all of these great little successes. Then my hubby gets home and he has a bag of Wendy's. He brought me lunch. He wants to go to Walmart to go grocery shopping and then out to a movie tonight. All of this sounds fine and dandy and I have no reason to be anxious about those things, but as he starts talking about it I start to feel the anxiety levels rising. So finally I told him that even though I have had a good morning, I was feeling kind of rushed and I want to take it slower.
He needs to get out of the house and I can understand that. If there is anything positive that has come out of this last week of hell, its been our communication and our relationship. I have needed him so much and he has learned so much about me and even without the anxiety we are going through some stressful times and so its been so nice just to have each other for love and support.
Part of me is feeling rushed and just wants to relax at home. Another part of me is so worried about becoming severely agoraphobic that I feel guilty about wanting to stay home.
Also, I have hardly been eating anything because of the nausea and the lack of appetite. I don't know how much of it is contributed to the side effects of the meds and how much is my own issues, but I know I will be losing weight and I am trying not to dwell on it or feel guilty that I am only nibbling these days. I've been mostly drinking Ensure's and Gatorades and then nibbling on crackers or crazy small portions of a meal. I figure if I keep listening to my body, eventually I will be ok.
Something that has really been bothering me lately is this term "nervous breakdown". I saw an advertisement with that phrase and I thought, "Did I just have a nervous breakdown this week? Am I one of those people that if this happened in the 50's would be institutionalized? Am I crazy?" I keep thinking "I am the crazy one who has the nervous breakdowns." Or others are thinking "She is fragile right now, she just had a nervous breakdown." And I really don't like that label. It really really is bothering me. On Wikipedia it says recent surveys have found that as many as 18% of Americans may be affected by one or more anxiety disorders. The Census Bureau currently lists 306,434,870 people living in the United States. That means that in the United States approximately 55,158,276 people are suffering from some form of anxiety disorder(s). 55 million people are a heck of a lot of people! Just another reminder that I am not alone.