I had another dream last night about being rejected. This seems to be an ongoing theme to my dreams almost every night. Usually it is being rejected by men, being back in high school and getting rejected by boys I thought were cute for example. But last night’s dream had a twist. My best friend in the dream was Sara Jessica Parker (probably because I really got into the Sex and the City series and considered the relationship the women on that show had as my ‘ideal’ kind of friendship). But at the end of the dream, she decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and it really hurt.
This brought me back to some real traumatic events in my youth that I was thinking about in the shower. A lot of blog post ideas come to me in the shower. I had a best friend all growing up that lived right down the street. We were the kind of friends that are inseparable, weekly sleepovers, secret clubs, dressing alike, the works. Only in eighth grade she decided to trade me in for someone else. The rejection I felt was awful. Suddenly I had no friends. Meanwhile those two girls became the most popular throughout high school. I struggled my first year in high school as many do but mainly because I really was all alone. I eventually made a friend with a fellow cheerleader. Her name was Laura. She wasn’t as pretty as me I thought and that gave me a sense of security. (aren’t girls horrible?) We became best friends and things started getting better for me. I had a boyfriend who I consider my first love. We dated off an on for several years. At one point when we were “off”, I found out that he and my “best friend” had hooked up. This too was devastating because I had no one to talk to about it. The two closest people in my life were the ones that had hurt me. This time I went into a mini depression. My grades fell and I became a bit of a recluse. I spent almost all weekends at home alone watching tv. This continued throughout my junior and senior year of high school. Eventually I reunited with this boy (what was I thinking, I know- I ended it about a year later) but I never reconciled the friendship after that day with Laura. Why was I able to forgive him and not her? Thats another question that I never understood.
Since then I have had a hard time making friendships with girls. But I try. I have a few, but none that I consider a “best” friend. I don’t know if I will ever have one again, but I would like to.
So it’s safe to say I have some issues with rejection and trust. Why I am STILL struggling with it I have no idea. I found a nice article that talks about how to get over rejection, but I don’t know if it’s really going to help me in any way. I consider myself “over” this history but I still dream about it in one form or another almost every night. Why? Anyone have any ideas or suggestions on how to get rid of them?
I came across an article today at the AnxietyConnection that talks on Anxiety and Insomnia. Since I have posted on that recently I thought I would mention it.One more off topic random thing. Here is a fun quote that I came across that reminds me to be silly,
“I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.” ~Dr. Theodore Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss
I would like to thank my good friend Ben for the picture I used for this post. He is a pretty great photographer and a really supportive friend.
If you enjoyed this post Subscribe to The Reality of Anxiety