"What am I telling myself to make me feel this way?
I am all alone and that is scary. What if I get sick and I make myself late? What if I can’t eat breakfast or lunch with all of these strangers? What if I am sick all day long? What if people judge me? What if me getting sick makes them send me home?
What if the worst case scenario happened?
If I were to have a full blown panic attack where I have to leave and go to the restroom, and if it makes me late, or makes it so they send me home, I will still be just fine. My life will go on and I will get over it.
First of all, look at all that you have already accomplished today. I found my way on where to go when the GPS was telling me something else. I made it here on time, all by myself. I can do anything I put my mind to. I am strong, capable and secure. I do what I want to do no matter what anyone thinks about it, and I don’t care what they think.
It worked. I was able to calm my thoughts and my breathing and I was able to then put the laptop away and get out some reading material and focus on that to further my distraction. Why my anxiety flared up so bad so quickly this morning I am not sure, but I am glad I was able to manage it.
I was so excited afterwards to see how it all works. I realized that excitement is very similar to anxiety, but on a much smaller scale. I went through a grueling QA session and tried to answer as best I could to boost my chances of getting on. And then the question was given that I knew if I didn't tell my experience in that situation, I would be lying under oath. I didn't want to say it but I did. The case was a malpractice civil suit where a patient is suing a hospital. The question was if any of my family had any medical attention that caused them to have any complications from that medical help. I happen to have a sister in law who passed away from taking her prescription medication that was dosed out to her by her doctor. I knew the moment I said "passed away" that there was no way they would put me on their jury even though I really wanted to and I could have been fair and impartial.The defense lawyers even winced when I said it. But many others seemed to have their own personal history or family history that could rule them out as well, so I remained hopeful.
After the lawyers struck people off the list, the suspense mounted. I was anxious, but not anything above a normal amount for this type of situation.
Then the moment of truth arrived. They were going to announce the jury. I could feel the suspense, the excitement, the hope, and the fear. I thought to myself, "Someone should make a reality tv show for the jury selection process." When they didn't call my name, I felt like I had been voted off the island, kicked out of the house, eliminated from the race, and had to take the walk of shame home. Those that were chosen might as well have been given a rose by the bailiff. I was pretty bummed.
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