The Daily Postmortem of Social Interactions

When I worked in the software industry, after every release we would sit down and have what we called a "post mortem." This is where we would talk about everything that went well in the release, everything that needed improvement, and what we would no longer do anymore. Seems like a good idea.

I seem to have my own daily post mortem. I can't avoid it. After every phone call, text message, face to face encounter, or facebook post, I find myself reliving everything I said and did. I can't stop thinking and worrying, "I hope that comment didn't offend them." or "Why did I say/do that? That was really stupid." Do you ever find yourself doing that? Is it more often than you feel is normal? I seem to do it every day and I am noticing that I am really lacking self confidence to spend so much time worrying about offending others or not coming off as best as I could have. Its to the point where I feel like everyone must really hate me. Sigh.

There are so many layers to anxiety its like an onion. You can pull away the daily panic attacks or generalized anxiety and you still have so many underlying issues to deal with. Will I ever be okay with who I am right now? 

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Thinking about starting a Local Support Group

I get alot of emails from readers asking questions about certain aspects of their anxiety. I feel like I write novel length replies sometimes. Its like texting, sometimes its just easier to call the person instead of typing everything out.

This morning the idea struck me to start a local support group. Something where we can just get together to talk about how we are dealing with our anxiety, a place to find friends that share the same problems and offer support to each other.

Here are a few benefits of support group memberships:

Members become part of a collective voice.
The group is non-judgemental. This creates a safe environment for members to disclose their problems.

Members become more informed

Builds confidence for coping. Being able to discuss their circumstances enables members to look at how they cope, think about the advantages and disadvantages associated and adapt their coping strategies.

Development of skills.

Improved communication

I've done a little research and have only found one local support group in Provo, Utah which for me is a good 45 minutes away. So I am thinking about starting one in the Salt Lake area. Although from what I have read they say its good to get a few people interested in starting one to form a little team as opposed to doing it on your own.

So two questions- if you live in the Salt Lake City Utah area, is this something you would be interested in attending, and if so, is this something you would want to help out with starting?

Just testing the waters...

If you would like to contact me as opposed to leaving a comment, you can email me here.

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Are you a Perfectionist or Healthy Striver?

Being a stay at home mom of a baby and preschooler with a husband that travels a lot, I feel that everyday is a real challenge. The simplest thing like going to the store is such a production. This last week I had several appointments during the week where I had to arrange for babysitters or drag the kiddos along with me. On one hand I am proud that I am getting out and dealing with the kids too, but on the other hand, its so stressful for me that I feel like I am frazzled all the time.

I feel like expectations for me are high and that I don't get any slack. At night I lay down and I am so high strung that I have to take time to wind my thoughts down. My body feels tense all the time. I feel like I am going to lose it any minute and just start bawling. I know I need to strike a better balance of relaxation, but its not easy getting to the gym or doing yoga when my two year old thinks its time to climb on me like a play gym.

Sigh. Ok, done venting.

In all reality, I know the only one not giving me any slack is myself. I have a hard time allowing myself to struggle. I often feel like I should have it together by now and I am disappointed in myself for not being perfect. I am a perfectionist, which isn't a healthy pursuit of excellence. The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center says,

"There are big differences between perfectionists and healthy achievers. Perfectionists believe that mistakes must never be made and that the highest standards of performance must always be achieved. Those who strive for excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in trying to meet high standards. Perfectionists on the other hand are full of self-doubts and fears of disapproval, ridicule and rejection. The healthy striver has drive, while the perfectionist is driven."

Ever wonder if you are a perfectionist vs. someone who is a healthy striver?

 Perfectionist versus Healthy Striver

Perfectionist	Healthy Striver
Sets standards beyond reach and reason	Sets high standards, but just beyond reach
Is never satisfied by anything less than perfection	Enjoys process as well as outcome
Becomes dysfunctionally depressed when experiences failure and disappointment	Bounces back from failure and disappointment quickly and with energy
Is preoccupied with fear of failure and disapproval––this can deplete energy levels	Keeps normal anxiety and fear of failure and disapproval within bounds––uses them to create energy
Sees mistakes as evidence of unworthiness	Sees mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning
Becomes overly defensive when criticized	Reacts positively to helpful criticism

A couple coping strategies to help with perfectionism that I thought the most helpful are:

Increase your awareness of the self-critical nature of your all-or-nothing thoughts, and how they extend to other people in your life.
Learn to substitute more realistic, reasonable thoughts for your habitually critical ones. When you find yourself berating a less-than-perfect performance, whether your own or someone else's, force yourself to look at and acknowledge the good parts of that performance. Then ask yourself questions like these: Is it really as bad as I feel it is? How do other people see it? Is it a reasonably good performance for the person(s) and circumstances involved?

Be realistic about what you can do.
By setting more realistic goals, you will gradually realize that "imperfect" results do not lead to the punitive consequences you expect and fear. Suppose you swim laps every day, not as athletic training, but for relaxation and exercise. You set yourself the goal of 20 laps, and you can barely swim 15. If you are perfectionistic, you soon feel disappointed at your poor performance and anxious about improving it. You may even give up swimming because you're not "good enough."
Suppose that instead you tell yourself 15 laps is good enough for now. You accept the possibility that you may never be able to swim 20 laps easily, if at all. So you continue swimming without anxiety. You don't necessarily stop trying to improve, but you swim for fun and exercise and relaxation-for however many laps you can. Perfectionists often miss out on fun, relaxation and satisfaction.

 

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An Exciting New Project

Something you may not know about me is that I save every email I get from readers of the blog. I think its nice to be able to read them every now and then when I am looking for support. My husband has told me over and over again that I should do something with the emails and comments from the blog so that I have a keepsake of them. I have used the company www.blurb.com to make photo books of my family in the past and I have loved them. So I thought I would copy the emails and comments into a book and print it out. As I started researching everything their site can do, I realized I could turn the entire blog into a book. This peaked my interest because I thought I could have a physical journal of my journey with anxiety as well as the blog. Then I thought if I was going to do all of this for myself, maybe their would be people out there who would be interested in a book as well.

So I am currently in the process of creating a book about The Reality of Anxiety. I started out with over 400 pages of information. I want to get it down to about 80, therefore it will consist of only the best of the blog- the hottest topics and most helpful for managing anxiety. This book will not contain the emails I get sent for privacy reasons. Due to copyright issues, I cannot copy everything I found from other places word for word, so it will be quite the project to go through and make everything ready for publishing. But I thought I would mention it now just to get a feel for the level of interest, plus any suggestions you may have of what you would like to see in it.

Its been really fun going back to the beginning to see how far I have come and all the information I have learned about anxiety. I feel that condensing the most useful information into a book will also be helpful for easy future reference since I know I will need it.

The funny thing is when I first started the blog my good friend Ben told me I should write a book and I laughed at him thinking he was crazy.

I don't know when it will be done, but I am working on it a little bit every day. Being the perfectionist that I am it could be awhile :) Perhaps I can try to get it done by this year's World Mental Health Day in October.

What do you think?
 

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Worst Fears Sometimes Do Come True

Happy to say that my little boy finally came on Nov 23rd. He is such a blessing and a little sweetheart. Meet Paxton:

Most of the time I tell myself I am worrying for no reason, and alot of times my fears are very silly and I know it. And that is usually the case. But I admit I am a big wuss, and I was really concerned about the pain of delivering a baby again. So I did everything I could think of to prepare.

• I switched doctors and hospitals to be able to deliver at one that was right down the street. 
• I took a tour of the hospital to be more familiar with where I needed to go.
• I spoke with my doctor and the hospital personel about how I deliver very quickly.
• I watched videos about how to breathe during labor and I practiced. 
• I wrote out my positive affirmations and packed them in my hospital bag.
• I created a playlist of peaceful songs on my ipod.

However, it is very unfortunate and sad and scary to say that my worst fears about his delivery ultimately came true and that no matter how much I prepared, my fate was ultimately in the hands of other people.

For the first two hours of contractions I was really proud of myself. I did my breathing exercises and handled the contractions really well. I was in good spirits because I figured my epidural would be coming any minute and I could hang on until then. To make a really long story short, even though I told the staff I wanted an epidural as soon as possible and that I deliver very quickly, it still took them 2.5 hrs from the time I asked for it to get it to me and the first epidural only numbed my legs, not the contractions. So by the time I got the correct dosage, it was too late. I ended up delivering my baby naturally and then had the epidural kick in afterwards. Not trying to scare any women out there, but it was the most painful experience of my life. It was a nightmare come true. I still get angry when I think about it. The worst part was that I was in so much pain, obviously so, and the nurses were just moseying around like they see it everyday, no big deal, no need to rush to help me out. Luckily since I deliver quickly the whole torturous event only lasted 4 hours. All I can conclude from the experience is that if I ever have another baby, I will learn how to deliver naturally not because I want to, but because its the only way I can be in control if I need to be.

So after a long break of sleepless nights and lots of baby spit up, I think I am finally ready to take back my life and get things rolling again. Thanks for all of the well wishes sent my way, I really appreciate them.

Anyone else ever feel like they had to rely on others to help them in a scary situation? Did they come through for you or were you let down?

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Panic Attacks Triggered by Labor Pains

Lately I have been getting more and more nervous about delivering this baby. With my first child, I was very oblivious to what labor was like.

Let me preface by stating that I am a HUGE wuss when it comes to pain. A lot of woman try to be tough when delivering babies and it seems like a contest to see who can go the longest without an epidural. I commend the women who do it naturally. If that works for you than great. I on the other hand, just wanted to survive the experience. Before going to the hospital I had imagined that before any real pain or discomfort started surely in this day and age I would be pumped with pain medications. But while waiting to determine if I was in true active labor, and while waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back to the hospital since they sent him home for the night, I experienced a lot of pain and was very much unprepared for the agony I felt while waiting for an epidural. I have a distinct memory of burying my face into the bed, holding onto the bed rails and kicking my legs, literally writing in pain.

Then after getting my epidural, the rest was a piece of cake. But I learned just how unprepared I was for those first few hours. 

Now that I know better, whenever a small contraction starts I have immediately gone into panic mode.

Yesterday I went to the doctor and they checked me and told me that I could go pretty much anyday. Last night, I had several contractions while trying to go to sleep. I started shaking uncontrollably. I had a hard time catching my breath or my thoughts. I was petrified that I would soon experience the hard excruciating labor pains that I did the first time around.

I realize I am also worried about not being in control of the situation. I tried to schedule an induction because that would help me feel more in control of the when and how, but unfortunately my doctor will only do those after 39 weeks and she doesn't think I will last that long. I scheduled one anyway as a plan B, but I know that I am going to have to figure this out for the surprise middle of the night scenario.

Because I am feeling extreme anticipatory anxiety I know I need to sort out all of my thoughts just like I would for any other trigger and hopefully that will help me. My plan is to research more about breathing techniques (related to labor) that I can use as well as some helpful coping statements I can refer to to help control my thoughts.

I have attached my exercise I did to help address my fears. I plan to print it out and keep it in my hospital bag so I can refer to it when I need it.

An Update to Get You Through the Day

I've had some people asking for an update. I know that I am not the best at posting on a regular basis. Its not that I don't care, but rather I don't want to put lame posts up that were created just so I can say I posted. I want the quality of posts to be better than the quantity if that makes sense. This means when my anxiety is up, usually I have more posts, and when my anxiety isn't really bothering me much, than my post count goes down. Just more proof that anxiety comes and goes like a roller coaster.

Lately, I haven't been having many issues with my anxiety. I think I am in a good place right now with my pregnancy. The beginning of the pregnancy didn't help out with my anxiety like I thought it would, but I think by the second trimester eventually my hormones leveled off to a good place :) I am due in about a month and it will be interesting to see if I continue to do well while nursing or if the anxiety returns.

Some of the best life lessons can be found in simple childrens' stories, songs, and poems. So here are a couple fun quotes from the best children authors to help you through the day:

 “Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

-Shel Silverstein

 "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Suess

Hope everyone is doing well!

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