When I was in high school, I was madly in love with this boy. I would do anything for him. We dated on and off for about 4 years. Problem was, I never felt good enough for him no matter how hard I tried. For example, I dressed a certain way that wasn't really me because that's what he liked. I never felt like his family accepted me either. But I was pretty obsessed with him. My whole world revolved around him. When he broke up with me my junior year, I was devastated. I had never felt so rejected in my whole life. It hit me pretty hard. One time he hooked up with my best friend. That also was devastating to me because they were the only two people in my world. I was able to forgive him because he had such a hold on me but I never spoke to my friend again. That was so sad to loose that relationship. Ever since I have had a really hard time making friends with women. He and I eventually got back together for about a year until he went on a mission for our church and I started dating my husband who made me realize that I was good enough just the way that I am. We are equals, and that is such a liberating feeling. I am no longer constantly trying to gain acceptance.
Man just typing this post out is making me feel anxious.
Anyway, about 5 years ago we were visiting my parents for the holidays and I saw this same guy from high school at church where he met my husband. I knew he would be there and the whole day I was just sick about it. I didn't want to see him. It was so horrible that I spent half of the church service in the bathroom expecting to throw up.
Now, 5 years later, I have a wedding to go to next weekend. The wedding is for an old mutual friend of ours from those high school years. I don't know for sure if he will be there, but there is a really good chance that he and his new wife, and his entire family will be. I really want to go to support my friend and his family because they are very dear to me, but I am freaking out about seeing him there. It just brings back all those horrible feelings of rejection and I am pretty sure they hate me since I broke up with him to date my husband. I already RSVP'd that I would go. But I am not looking forward to it and I feel like I need to buy a new outfit and get all gussied up to look my best and thats annoying too. Although I wouldn't mind a new outfit :) Just looking at the wedding announcement brings on the butterflies.
I know the day of is going to be really stressful and my anxiety will be bad. So, does anyone have any tips for me? To go or not to go, that is the question...
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