I know that I haven’t posted in forever and I am so sorry about that. Lately it seems that as my due date looms closer I have gone into survival mode of just trying to make it through the day doing the bare minimums. Plus I have been blessed to have my anxiety not as strong throughout my pregnancy because my appetite has taken over my worries in my head. It’s amazing what the human body can do.
However today started a fresh wave of panic because the plans for 3 baby showers are starting to solidify. The invitations are being made, addresses are being collected, and I have to go register for baby stuff this week because I procrastinated as long as I could. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for the baby showers because we really don’t have a lot of the supplies we need yet and it shows that people really care about me. However being in the spotlight has me starting to worry as it always does. In fact, the anticipatory anxiety over having a baby shower started soon after I found out I was pregnant.
It got me thinking about my wedding almost six years ago. (Man how time flies!) Most women have dreamt about every detail of their wedding day since they were very little and know exactly how they want it all to be. They envision and plan for years and when the day comes its all about the bride and how amazing they are. I never really thought much about my wedding day, only more about who the groom would be. I chose my dress to be pretty simple because I didn’t want to bring a lot of attention to myself. I didn't want any embroidery or eccentric bead work. I felt like everyone was thinking that I was too young to get married. I am sure there were some people that did think that. I was really young, I was only 19! But it hurts me now to know that I let myself harbor feelings of embarrassment and unworthiness and even more so that I gave into them and made decisions based off of those feelings. How silly and unfortunate looking back. I didn’t like being in the spotlight and I let myself get so caught up in what everyone else must have been thinking that I really didn’t enjoy the day the way that I should have. I should have really CELEBRATED and not cared what anyone else thought about it. But for me I know that is easier said than done.
I don’t want those feelings from my wedding day to happen again. I want to enjoy each baby shower the way I should instead of worrying throughout the entire thing just trying to survive it. Worrying about whether people are judging you or not is such a waste of time! I don’t even know what I am worrying about- is it the food thing? Is it worrying that no one will show up? I don’t even know and yet this anticipatory anxiety is lingering at the pit of my stomach. I want to celebrate this new life. What a fun word. "Celebrate". It has so much more brightness, goodness and uplifting fulfillment to it as opposed to the word "Worry".
So I know what I need to do. I need to figure out and analyze what negative thoughts I am putting in my head and swap them out with positive ones. Perhaps I will do it in a later post. For now, I just wanted to say that I am not anxiety free and it really sucks sometimes to feel the control slipping, or having to deal with the anxiety at all. It’d be nice to not dread every upcoming event. Every evening out on the town, every family get together, every company event all comes with different levels of anxiety, rarely anxiety free. Its especially frustrating because I want to be at these events but the worrying can sometimes make it hard to enjoy them. At least I can manage my anxiety to a certain degree. If I really think about it, I don’t think I have had a full blown out of control panic attack since September which is really great progress. Its just draining to the soul sometimes. But celebrating life instead of dreading it seems like a pretty good goal to keep working towards.