Waiting For the Fall

Do you ever have periods in your life where everything is just peachy? Almost too good for too long a time that you start to worry, and wonder when the next personal setback, family tragedy, or financial blow up will come?

Don’t get me wrong, my life is in no way perfect. Pregnancy brings its own share of headaches, backaches, etc. My dogs just escaped from home last weekend which brought on some worry that they were hurt and they were locked up all weekend which made us sad and lonely. You can read more about that here if interested. I've been up since 4 am this morning and am crazy tired. But overall my life isn’t half bad lately. My pregnancy is going so much better than I ever expected it to, money hasn’t been tight for a while, work is cruising along, etc. My anxiety tends to come and go in waves. When it’s around it can be constant, everyday, and then fade away for a couple of months. And I feel that I am in a recession right now where I don’t have to deal with it as often as I used to. I am not naive to think it won’t ever hit me again really hard, but I am trying to enjoy the down time right now.

However, deep in the back of my head I am worried about what is going to burst this peaceful bubble. I know something big has to be on the horizon and I don’t want it to come.

I know it has to eventually. Life has to have opposition in all things. If we never felt sadness we wouldn’t appreciate the times we are happy. If we were never sick it would be harder to be grateful for our good health. It is through opposition and adversity that we become stronger, deeper, and wiser individuals.

I should enjoy this time while I can; it really does me no good to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Although worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet is my thing, its what I do. And therein lies one of the biggest adversities in my life.

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Discovering Your Triggers

I recently had a conversation with a reader of the blog and it has prompted this post, I hope she doesn't mind. Sometimes I take for granted where I am in my process of figuring all this out that I don’t realize all the steps it takes to get there.

Specifically, I know what my triggers are. Performing for people via eating, driving, playing the piano, etc. all cause anxiety for me. Eating is enough anxiety to cause a panic attack. But it took me YEARS to realize that this was what it was. I struggled thinking maybe I was allergic to something, maybe I had a weird eating disorder, maybe I had IBS, and so on.

This reader was puzzled because she didn’t know what caused her panic attacks. They would come out of no where and so it was hard for her to prepare for them.

If you fall into this same category, all is not lost. Here is my suggestion. For the next while, any time you feel any anxiety at all, track it. Depending on how often you have panic attacks or bouts of anxiety this will fluctuate on the length of time you need to do this. Get out a sheet of paper that you keep somewhere (when I worked on this I had a journal that I dedicated to my anxiety that I carried around everywhere with me. I kept all the little thoughts and quotes and affirmations in it, so I would also track them in there). But a note card or sheet of paper will be just fine. Once you have the anxiety immediately or as soon as you can write it down. Write down the date and time you had the feelings, where you were when you felt them, what you were doing right before hand, what thoughts you were thinking, how strong the feelings/anxiety were on a scale from 1-10 and anything else you feel is important. After time goes by where you continue to track them consistently, you should start to see a pattern developing. It may be a location that is similar, maybe the time of day which could have to do with what you are eating beforehand, a certain scenario, a certain thought that reoccurs, all sorts of things that might be causing your panic.

If you want to take it a step further, you can look at the thoughts you wrote down that you were thinking and replace them with a positive one, so when you have that thought again, you can easily tell yourself the positive thought and slowly work on reprogramming your brain. I do this often and I will post them here. Instead of carrying my journal around I started blogging instead and now my life is a bit of an open book.

This was how I learned that I feared above all else being judged by others. I knew I got sick when I ate, but I didn’t really realize that my mind was screaming inside me with the fears of “What if this happens, what will they think of me then?!?” until I thought about it and wrote it down each time.

When you are able to figure out what your trigger situations are it comes with a price. Yes you are able to be more prepared before entering a trigger situation, but then you introduce the anticipatory anxiety, or worrying about worrying in a given situation. This can be extremely stressful. But if I had to do it all over again, I would rather be able to prepare the best that I can for an event with the additional stress, as opposed to not knowing and having a panic attack pop up out of no where and leave me sick and scared and worst of all, feeling helpless and powerless against it.

Related Posts:
The Importance of Not Avoiding Your Fears A.K.A. Triggers

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The Bodies Exhibition- Las Vegas

I got back from my weekend in Vegas last night. Overall I consider the trip a great success. Certainly not anxiety free, but I had no full blown panic attacks.

Here is what I did to help me this time. I printed out my last post that I had prepared ahead of time and kept it in my back pocket at all times. I read it every morning before I left the hotel room. On the first day we were eating in a food court environment at Gameworks and I started to feel nauseous. I am pretty sure it was anxiety provoked. I just stopped eating. When my friends asked me what was wrong I simply said I didn’t feel well. Then when I could feel the nausea subside a little, I just stuck with the simple rice that I had to get something down. The next morning I woke up panic stricken at 5:30 am. I used to feel this every morning when I would wake up. I am glad this happened when it did because I was able to lie there in bed and talk myself through it until I could fall back asleep and feel better about it. There were several other small instances where I could feel it creeping up but I was able to get distracted or simply rest until it passed. I sat a lot on the trip because we did a lot of walking and I got tired a lot. After a good two hours of walking I start to feel like I have a bag of weights strapped around my waist that I carry around now.

We had a lot of fun, saw a lot of things, gambled away lots of money, etc. But the coolest part of the trip I want to share with all of you in more detail.

It is called the Bodies Exhibit and it is in different cities all over the country. It’s about $30 a person but if you are cheap like us, we were able to sit at a Timeshare presentation for 2 hours and they fed us lunch and gave us the tickets for free. Well worth it. The exhibit is made up of real human cadavers that they have soaked in a solution to help preserve them. They are skinned so that you can see the muscles and bone and tendons and organs etc and placed in artistic poses to demonstrate how the body works. It sounds morbid or gross but it was really cool. It’s controversial in the media about whether it’s appropriate or not but I thought it was very informative and artistic. I wanted to take pictures but they wouldn’t allow any photography. They display a brain that has had a stroke and the inside is all black as if it had been burned. They display lungs with and without cancer, fetal development in every week of the first 16 weeks, the circulatory system with just the veins from your face, arms, legs, etc. and so much more. You walk away wanting to take better care of your body and realizing just what everything looks like. I recommend going if it is out near you or you have the opportunity presented to you.

Here is a quick video to give you an idea of what you can see:

bodies exhibition


Has anyone else seen this exhibit and if so were you impressed like I was or did it upset you? Even if you haven't seen it does the idea of this seem cool or does it offend you?I am curious to how others feel about it.

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Traveling With Anxiety- Trip #3

photo by Roadsidepictures

This weekend I am going on a trip to Las Vegas with my husband and some friends. What a fun thing to do right? However I have had some minor anticipatory anxiety worrying about it this week since the last two trips I went on was either an anxiety nightmare, or at least had some smaller setbacks.

Following my true natural instincts I procrastinated all preparation for the trip until the afternoon before we leave. This is because then I wouldn't have to think about it and worry more than I need to. Not very smart after all because now I am a little overwhelmed with everything I have to do and that is stressing me out.

So I thought I would take my lunch hour and go over some previous posts I have written to help me be more prepared. Hawaii I didn't prepare at all because its the land of relaxation so why would I have any anxiety there? That was an extremely painful lesson to learn. San Fransisco I prepared only a little bit because I thought I was beyond needing to do prepare. After all at that time I was 4 months free of a panic attack and in a really good place. That quickly ended my panic free streak as I spent a whole day sick with panic.

Third times a charm. I am hoping. I am learning from my past mistakes and taking the time to really work it out before I leave by creating a game plan for the worst case scenario, working through some of my fears so I can rationalize them with some positive thoughts instead, and whatever else I can do with the time I have.

No matter how absurd it may sound I am going to break down and then analyze my anticipatory anxiety.

What am I telling myself to make me feel this way?

• Its a longer car ride and sometimes I get carsick. If I get sick that will ruin the trip.
• If I get an anxiety attack on this trip than I will be a downer and ruin the trip.
• My friends will think badly of me if I get sick or panic or don't want to do something they want to do.
• I have to eat a lot because I am pregnant so I can't let myself get super panicky the whole time.
• I am not on any medication so I worry I will be more prone to panic.
• The last couple trips have had lots of anxiety so this one will too.

Ok so now I am going to replace these fears with more positive thoughts that I can write out on a card to take with me and read any time I start to feel panicky while breathing. Or I can just read it when I wake up in the morning even if I don't feel panicky to help me throughout the day:

• Its a longer car ride and sometimes I get carsick. If I get sick that will ruin the trip.
• I have never thrown up as a result of getting carsick. The worst is just a bad headache. I can bring Tylenol and a baseball hat and sunglasses to help me if I start to feel sick. If the worst happened and I got carsick, I could ask to pull over and get some fresh air. No one will think badly of me. My friends and family or not that cruel. This trip is my vacation just as much as anyone else's and I deserve to be able to be myself.
• If I get an anxiety attack on this trip than I will be a downer and ruin the trip.
• If the worst case scenario happened and I got an anxiety attack on the trip I can stay in the hotel room until I feel better. Everyone else can still have fun without me. It won't ruin the trip for anyone. No one will think badly of me. My friends and family or not that cruel. This trip is my vacation just as much as anyone else's and I deserve to be able to be myself. I can take as small a step forward as I choose.
  
• My friends will think badly of me if I get sick or panic or don't want to do something they want to do.
• No one will think badly of me. My friends and family or not that cruel. I believe in myself apart from other’s opinions.
• I have to eat a lot because I am pregnant so I can't let myself get super panicky the whole time.
• I have already gained more weight than the average at this point and my baby is normal in weight if not on the higher end for how far along I am so far. If I listen to my body it will take care of me and my baby. It won't let me starve myself. If I don't want to eat when everyone else does then I can eat at a later time when I am more hungry. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't have to eat to please others, I only have to eat to please myself.
  
• I am not on any medication so I worry I will be more prone to panic.
• If the worst case scenario happened and I had an anxiety attack where I couldn't take my medication, I can do some deep breathing techniques, get distracted, or leave the situation if I need to. I have the tools I need to survive a panic attack and even minimize it or make it go away faster.
  
• The last couple trips have had lots of anxiety so this one will too.
• I have not always had panic attacks on every trip I've gone on. Having them in the past is not enough to prove that I will have one again. If I do get panicky, I have the tools I need to manage it.

So my game plan is to have these positive thoughts I can read when I start to panic. I can figure out which one I am feeling and repeat the positive thought instead.

Some important things I want to remember:

DO put yourself first.

Keep your camera around for easy distractions.

Listen to Your Body

Hopefully this will be enough for me to fall back on, granting I can access the internet wirelesly from my hotel room. I also plan to bring my Workbook with me just in case I can't access the blog and I need some help.

I know I blog about this process a lot but taking the time to do the work really does help me and I hope it is beneficial for you as well.

I hope everyone has a happy, peaceful, weekend!


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Purchase The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook Here!

Quick Announcement: I have a new feature to the blog. Now you can purchase the book I am always referring to, "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook" by Edmund J. Bourne right here from the sidebar of my blog. The picture above won't take you to it but the one on the left hand side of the blog will. Its a little slow to load right now so if you don't see it give it a few more seconds to load. Hopefully Amazon will fix that soon or I will switch to another bookstore provider. I purchased mine online and it was a very easy experience. I hardly ever buy books but this one was worth every penny. The nice thing about it is that it gives you the tools to learn and then the workspace to practice those tools. You really get a feel for who you are and what the real issues you need to work out come from. You can learn about the Anxiety Scale, Positive Affirmations, Exposure to Your Fears, and so much more.

Enjoy!


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Don't Have Time For a Game Plan? Don't Back Down, But Be Yourself

I had a situation recently where I was asked out to lunch very last minute.

This is something that I don’t want to stop happening because I love to hang out with my friends and family. However because of the timing, I was unable to really prepare myself for any panic that could arise. I told myself on the drive over a few things I thought might help, but I was already a little flustered. As I was waiting to meet my friends, I could feel the anxiety come and felt immediately nauseous. It has been so long since I had felt this high of anxiety that I wasn’t sure what to do at first. I thought, “I need to get distracted.” So I went into a store and looked at jewelry that I wouldn’t mind owning. When I peeked out I saw they were there. We decided where to eat and as I was ordering the food I thought “I am going to throw up right here in line.” I wasn’t even hungry because I had eaten a late breakfast. This makes sense because that is a perfect trigger scenario for me. Had I been starving I doubt there would have been an issue at all, but when I feel like I have to perform and I don’t think I can, that’s when I panic. So I ordered a light lunch knowing I probably wouldn’t be able to eat any of it. We sat down and I snacked on a bag of chips and a drink. Never touched my sandwich. I left it in the to go bag. I tried to focus on the conversation at hand and a few times I could feel myself lingering on panicky thoughts. So I refocused on the conversation. I kept thinking of what I would say if they asked me why I wasn’t eating. When it briefly came up, I mentioned I wasn’t feeling well and left it at that. After all it was the truth.

So what did I learn? If you don’t have time to prepare for a potential Trigger Situation, then do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. I could have force fed myself the sandwich but then I really think I would have been sick. I decided to listen to my body and save the food for when I felt hungry. Sure enough two hours later I was pretty starving and had a yummy sandwich waiting for me in the fridge.

We are not perfect. I don’t think I will ever be “cured”. I don’t know if I will ever master my panic attacks. I don't always have hours beforehand to fully prepare myself for events. But the best I can do is manage them as best I can. But when we don’t have time to even manage them, then the next best thing is to be yourself and not what you think others think you should be, love yourself for it, and do what feels the most comfortable while still facing your fears. My fear is what people will think of me if I don’t perform the way I think I should, specifically around food. The most comfortable thing would have been to not go at all and catch a movie with them later on or something not food related. But I went, survived, and best of all, got to see my loved ones. And that’s a small step in the right direction.

Positive Affirmation of the Day: I can take as small a step forward as I choose.

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