Truth Heals, What you hide can hurt you

I was sent a book to read by someone who thought it could help me in my struggles with anxiety. Its called "Truth Heals" by Deborah King. Its all about her journey of recovering from abuse as a child. Her belief is that by hiding truths we are physically hurting our bodies. She developed alcoholism, sexual promiscuity, and eventually was diagnosed with cancer by the age of 25. She got into the practice of healing and the book describes the 7 chakras of the body and how you can hurt yourself with disease by not keeping the energy flowing through these areas.

I go back and forth about how much I believe in her notion of actual physical harm being done to yourself due to repressing feelings. I do think that stress can do damage, and I often wonder about the long term effects that my body will have due to all the stress from my anxiety. And I do believe that my anxiety itself is a direct result of repressed feelings when I was younger. But do you will diseases like cancer upon yourself? It's interesting to think about.

I do believe that damage is done to your soul by withholding the truth. Your soul can be broken and lost and by coming forward and facing the facts and working through traumas we can eventually heal our souls.

I can relate with this author in the fact that I grew up with some things kept secret deep inside. And overtime they took their tole on me. My soul was heavy. In my early 20's every once in awhile I would burst out sobbing and become very sad that I had these things in my life. It wasn't until I faced them head on and brought all the truth to the surface that I started to feel better about all of it. My soul found peace.

Whatever you believe, the book offers a lot of great insight and advice and its a good, quick read.
One of my favorite parts is where she talks about how journaling is a great way to get the truth out. She says to get a journal (or laptop) and write.

"Be completely truthful in your journal. Say it like it is. If you're angry, be angry. Write it out uncensored. Be who you are. ... The point is to be authentic. When you can trust yourself and be truthful on the pages of your journal, you can trust yourself to be truthful in the world. Just watch how your whole body relaxes as you express your truth. You've given yourself permission to be you- to speak your mind, to give voice to the truth of who you are. If not now, when?"

Journaling is so therapeutic. As I have said before, thats what this blog is all about. Its my journal, my therapeutic outlet. And when things were really bad, this was the only thing holding me together.

And I really like this part:

"Trust Life, Trust God
In this moment, do you trust life? Do you trust that you are loved, protected, and supported? Do you trust that everything is working out for your higher good? If you don't, ask for more trust. Speak it: "Show me how to trust more!" Then watch for signs that your life (and God) is listening."

With anxiety, you are always worrying about the worst happening. We are so fearful. And fear does not come from God. If we can have more trust that our Heavenly Father will protect us, maybe that would help our anxiety. I've thought this before but never really knew how to have more trust. And here she says it so simply, just ask him for it.

Overall, I think its worth taking a look at. I still think that the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne (you can see it on my sidebar) is the best life changing book for dealing directy with anxiety and how to work on managing it, but this book is a nice side read with a different perspective on the topic. If interested you can find it on my sidebar as well.

Enjoy!

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Reality of Anxiety Made the Top 40!

I just wanted to mention that The Reality of Anxiety slipped its way onto the "40 Superb Psychology Blogs" on PSYBlog- Understand Your Mind.

Hooray! Even though I just barely made the list, its still an honor and I am thrilled!

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Miami Travel Followup

A reader asked me to do a follow up post on my trip to Miami. I have gotten this request in the past so here I go:

I am really glad that I went even though it wasn't the easiest thing in the world.

To be honest, the worst my anxiety got was before we even went on the trip. The anticipatory anxiety, or dreading what was to come, had me so nervous about all the "what ifs" that could happen. For about a week I could tell my anxiety was heightened and I did some extra things to try to keep things in perspective. I did some yoga and I prepared for the trip in my last post to help me work all those "what ifs" out. I also made sure I had plenty of medication just in case.

I was really worried about the 4+ hour plane ride. We read up on the airline's website what to expect when traveling with a baby so the extra security to check her bottles wasn't a suprise and the security was extremely quick and smooth. We still went in expecting the worst to happen, which comes second nature to a habitual worrier. However, we were pleasantly surprised at how well the whole airport and flight experience went. And any rocky parts that occured were manageable. It could have been much worse. I would much rather be pleasantly surprised then constantly disappointed from high expectations.

During the week we made a point to keep things low key. My husband's brother was showing us around and he wanted to jam pack every day with lots of stuff. But I knew that overscheduling the days wasn't a good idea for me. We made sure that we had plenty of time to just hang out at the pool and beach and relax with a few fun activities each day.

My anniversary gift was to swim with dolphins at the Aquarium

My husband went on some scuba dives with his brother, we went to the Aquarium, we toured the Everglades

and walked around the South Beach area shops. But we didn't overplan it because the more I am expected to do on a trip, the more nervous I get about ruining the trip.

It helped that we had to go back to our hotel anyway so the Little could take a nap. When she napped I went and lounged at the pool and beach area. It was really nice and relaxing.

I am learning that just because I have had really bad anxiety on trips in the past, that doesn't mean that I am bound to have it on all trips. But I know that preparing anyways is important.

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Celebrate! Traveling with Anxiety- Trip # 5

photo by Marcos Vasconcelos Photography

I've had a lot on my mind lately that I would like to post about, but being mid summer life is crazy with all sorts of fun. Including a trip to Miami to celebrate my 7th wedding anniversary with my hubby and 1 year old daughter. We leave tomorrow and I know that to have a successful trip I need to prepare beforehand. I have had minor morning anxiety this week because of this trip. We will not only take our daughter on her first plane ride (a 5 hour one at that) but we will also be gone for a whole week. So I know that this post is more important for me right now, and when I get back I can get out some other posts.

I am glad to go on this trip. I am glad because even though it will be really hard, I am challenging myself. I am also glad because I like doing fun things with my family. Growing up we didn't do very much together. Sure we were poor and a trip like this with 9 kids was out of the question, but even simple things like going to a park, or the Lake which was two blocks away, or walk, or even playing in the front yard or anything like that was just never done with my parents. I didn't think about it much then because that was my normal. But now I know that I want to make time to play together with my family. I think its important not only for creating memories, but the bonds you form as well. So this trip is about celebrating my family and all that we have accomplished over the last 7 years.

Also, I have been thinking a lot lately about happiness. A few months ago we splurged and purchased some used seadoos. I was feeling guilty about it because it was a lot of money for us for something that is luxury. I didn't want people to know about it because I thought they would think we were stupid for sure. And then to go on a week long vacation to Miami- in today's economy we should be saving all our pennies right?!?

However, I finally came to the conclusion that If you are an anxiety sufferer, soooo much of your time is spent stressing out and worrying and just not being very happy. I worry sometimes about the long term effects, how many years of my life I've stressed away. So I shouldn't feel bad about doing something that makes me happy. We have used the watercrafts so much already, not to mention they are paying for themselves as people are renting them from us and exchanging tradework to use them! We never expected that but its been really nice. But really I shouldn't need to justify any of it because it all makes me happy. And I should cherish the happy times, I DESERVE it. I deserve to be happy and so you do. So anytime we can do something to make us happy, I want to do it.

Ok as I have mentioned before, the point of this exersize is part of the 10 steps I do that helps to reduce my anxiety. Then I print this out and take it with me so I can reread it whenever I need to. So to try to have the happiest week I can, here are my concerns and my statements I want to remember if I start to get anxious (these statements are taken from my last trip because my concerns are the same):

• What if I am anxious the whole time? I will ruin the trip for Tyler.

Circumstances are what they are but I can choose my attitude toward them. I can be anxious and still have fun on this trip. I've done it before and I can do it again. I can handle this. Tyler loves me more than this trip. I love and accept myself the way I am. I respect and believe in myself apart from other's opinions.

• Trips make me anxious. I should be nervous about this trip.

This is overgeneralizing. Just because I have been anxious on trips in the past that doesn't set in stone that I will be anxious on this trip. I am learning to be calm. I'm responsible and in control of my life.

• What if I can't eat anything around Ty's brother? (he lives there and will be with us occasionally)

If I explain that I have not been feeling well and I don't have an appetite he will most likely understand. And if he doesn’t so what! I only have to eat for myself. It's important to take care of my own needs. I respect and believe in myself apart from others' opinions.

• What if people want to go do something and I am feeling too sick?

If I am not feeling well be honest and they will most likely understand. And if they don't, so what! You are here to have fun and not to please everyone else. Do what you want to do. It's important to take care of my own needs. Its ok to make time to rest and relax. I am willing to go forward with my life and try to better myself regardless of what others think.

• What if the baby has a hard time on the plane and cries the whole time and she is miserable?

If she is really struggling and nothing I am doing is helping her, then it will be miserable yes, but it will eventually end.

Also, I want to mention that I do read all the emails and comments that I get- every single one. I may not respond to them all because of time (I work part time and am a full time mommy), but I do read and appreciate them all! So keep'em coming. Also, sometimes I will read one with plans to respond, but then it gets lower on my list and it slips through the cracks. So if you are waiting for a response and haven't heard one I apologize. Send it again and I will get right on it.

I hope everyone can celebrate the happy moments in their lives and really cherish them. Remember, you deserve it!

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Even More About Morning Anxiety: Its All About Your Attitude

photo by babblingdweeb

Morning anxiety fascinates me. It also haunts me and I hate it with a passion, but its a curious thing. How is it that the moment you open your eyes you can go from peaceful sleep to out of control fear and panic?!? And how is it that sometimes its in my life on a daily basis and other times its nowhere to be seen for long periods of time?

I've done a lot of research on this topic not only because I struggle with it often, but its also the number one search that brings people to this site, so I know that a lot of you are struggling with it too.

Usually when the morning anxiety sets in, it takes me about a week or so to really remove it from my morning routine. Every time it comes one of two things happen. I either fear the morning anxiety and feel guilty and ashamed when it shows up, or I expect it to be there and tell myself its not a big deal and I can handle it. There are lots of little tips I have spoken of before but I have learned over time that for me, the best medicine for my morning anxiety is my attitude towards how I approach it each morning.

When I feel guilty and embarrassed about my morning anxiety, and when I give into the fear thinking that its too much to bare, a funny thing happens. My anxiety gets even worse and I am usually sick all day long until right before bedtime when I can finally eat something and relax. This can continue for a few days where I hardly eat anything because I feel so sick.

It gets so bad that I am forced to change my attitude. I tell myself the night before that I don't need to get upset if I wake up with anxiety. In fact I tell myself I should expect it to be there and stop worrying about if it comes again. I say, when I wake up and the anxiety hits, this is what I am going to do. I am going to tell myself that its ok that I feel this way, its not a big deal, and I can handle it. I CAN handle it! I can do whatever I need to throughout the day with the anxiety.

Then I will get out of bed and do something to distract my mind. Just start my day. Lately if my little girl is still sleeping I will get out my iPhone and play this app that I am addicted to called Scramble. Really, I am pretty addicted to it, and the sad thing is I am not even that good! But its an easy distraction. I have observed that when I can stay positive and treat my anxiety this way instead of as such a horrible thing to dread, it is much less severe throughout the day and eventually after a couple days of thinking positively about it, I will wake up anxiety free.

The positive affirmations stuck around my house really help to reinforce the positive thinking. I have one on my light on my nightstand so its the first thing I see when I wake up. I have one in my closet so when I get dressed I see and read it. You get the idea.

Sure there are some days as I have chronicled where I don't want to work at being positive. Its too draining and I just want to vent because I am annoyed that I even have to deal with this in the first place. But I find that I have more strength and have more positive days than the days I just want to vent and have a pity party for myself.

I hope you find this useful for your own morning anxiety because it really is an awful thing that if you let it, can effect your whole day. But waking up with anxiety doesn't have to set the tone for your day. You can accept it instead of fearing it and in doing so, you are controlling it and not letting it control you.

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I Hate Anxiety and Worrying about Work Performance

photo by j.lee43

The Buildup and the Inevitable Fall:

Today started out as a pretty ok day. I woke up with some slight anxiety thinking about everyting I wanted to do. But usually I can shrug my morning anxiety off by getting out of bed and getting on with my day. When it didn't go away today I decided I needed to do some yoga, one of the things on my checklist anyway. I did yoga and a little gardening before the thunderstorms came rolling in, checking another thing off the list. Both of these things are very therapeutic for me and I usually feel great after doing them. Not today. While I was doing the yoga I could tell that I wasn't letting go mentally and I felt like it was forced. My baby woke up and so while feeding her a bottle I noticed everything I had already accomplished and thought about how all that I had left was getting my work hours in. Stomache churns. After setting her down to play, I could feel the intensity of my anxiety grow. The burning in the neck and arms, the sweating, heart beating faster, etc. And you would think I would have learned my lesson by now but no. Instead of accepting my anxiety, telling myself positive thoughts to help me through it, knowing that it will eventually pass; I fought it thinking perfectionist and critical thoughts like "I have to stop feeling this way!" "Why do I do this to myself?" "I am a mess!" "I will never have a normal life" "I am going to ruin my kids life!" etc. which of course only aggravates the situation and makes it worse. So I wrote out all my thoughts that I thought brought on the attack, worked on some positive affirmations but still I just can't shake it today. I am trying to work and I can't focus on anything. I just feel yucky. I took a little clonozepam finally to see if that will help, but so far, nothing.

Potentially Unproductive Venting Session: Read at Your Own Risk!!

I just want to vent about how much I hate anxiety. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I wish that my mind would filter thoughts normally and not run on overdrive all the time. Sure its an opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth and I remind myself that I am still a good person even with the anxiety in my life, but I am tired of it today and just don't want to deal with the struggle. I know there is nothing going on that I should be soooo drastically worried about, so why, why, why!!! Argh, I guess I am just frustrated. Thanks for listening.

Let's Break it Down: After thrashing it all out on paper I have come to the conclusion that I need to reevaluate the whole work situation. Right now there isn't much that I can change about it although I desperately wish I could ultimately quit and just be a stay at home mom. But since thats not an option at the moment and more of a goal, I have to work with where I am at now. 30 hours a week plus watching an almost walking 11 month old is HARD. Its overwhelming at times which spurs some anxiety. However I also can't reduce the hours because we will need the insurance benefits in a few weeks. We've thought about Day Care but I know my first responsibility is to be a Mother and I just feel better knowing that I am the one raising my child, (even if internally I worry that my anxiety is going to screw her up). So ultimately I have to change my negative thoughts about my work because it is the driving force behind my anxiety lately, specifically today.

I worry soooo much that if I don't constantly prove myself worthy to hold my position to my boss, showing him that I am working hard at home, that he will assume I am not doing anything and fire me.

When I rationalize the situation, there is no merit to worrying so much about it.

1. My boss has already stuck up for me and my position to the company CEO who was questioning the validity of the position and if what I was doing was "effective."
   
2. He has also listed me as doing everything that I have been asked of and more on reports of employee performance.
3. Since I work with schools all over the country, many of them are out for the summer and so my work load is lightening. Its getting harder to find productive things to do and that is making me worry more about my performance because I feel I need stellar reports every week or else! However everyone in the departments work load is decreasing so my boss is expecting that. If I am really concerned I can ask him for more projects.
   
4. Plus if the worst case scenario happened and I get fired I ultimately think it would be a blessing. Sure it would be stressful and we would have to figure some things out and get rid of some luxuries, but then I could stay at home with my Little and not have to work all day long. It could take a lot of other stress away.
   

So you see brain? There is no reason to constantly worry about getting your hours in. There is no need to put yourself in a full fledge panic attack for no good reason at all, when everything is just peachy!

I still need to learn to live in the PRESENT not the past or future. And presently, everything is fine.

Mindfulness Training Busts Stress

One of the top headlines on cnn.com today is "Mindfulness training busts stress". I thought it was a good read, just something that validates what I already know. Here it is below:

By Val Willingham
CNN Medical Producer

"Just the facts" has always been Lillian Waugh's motto. A historian and former professor of women's studies at West Virginia University, Waugh is a stickler for facts and details. And because she was always the "go to" person at WVU, she was constantly in demand -- and busy.

Lillian Waugh says playing the cello is a mindfulness technique she practices.

"I was a multitasker at work," she said.

Waugh's job was so stressful it started to affect her health. So when the university began a study on how to handle stress at work, she jumped at the chance to participate.

The study included 103 participants. Half were given written instructions on how to handle stress at work; the others, including Waugh, were taught techniques to cultivate mindfulness, such as yoga poses, breathing methods, stretches and meditation -- all designed to help workers cope with too many e-mails, ringing phones and the occasional nasty co-worker.

Lead investigator Kimberly Williams said the goal was to relieve stress. "Mindfulness means to pay full attention to what you are doing, moment by moment," she said. "We taught them how to recognize sources of stress, how stress impacts them, and then what they could do to come out of the vicious cycle of stress reactivity."

The program lasted eight weeks and participants were followed for an additional three months. Williams said they found those who received the mindfulness training "had significantly less daily hassles, psychological distress and significantly fewer medical symptoms" -- like lower blood pressure and fewer aches and pains -- than those who were handed a pamphlet.

Waugh says she was thrilled to find that after practicing mindfulness techniques, the back pain that had plagued her for almost a decade went away. She also said she "communicated better with fellow employees and actually had a better attitude towards my job."

"The one thing I came away with was the ability to put myself in a place where I could gain perspective on everything I was doing at the moment," she said. Dr. Gupta: Watch more on the benefits of mindfulness training »

Mindfulness is not new. It goes back to the time of Buddha, who believed that the mind should always be fully in the present -- not looking back at the past or anticipating the future. Being mindful of the here-and-now, Buddha said, reduces stress and brings inner peace.

Today, mindfulness training involves learning to become aware of mind, body and emotions. Yoga, tai chi, and meditation all teach mindfulness.

Williams said the popularity of mindfulness techniques is a positive development, because when done correctly, the methods have been shown to "actually lift stress from your body."

Numerous studies have shown that stress can take its toll on the human body. "[Stress] increases your heart rate, your blood pressure and your respiration; you go into a state of hyper-arousal," said Williams. "And over the long-term, we internalize the response, which can lead to neck pain, back pain, digestive disorders, sleeplessness. ... And many people deal with those problems by overeating, drinking or smoking."

The mindfulness exercises in the WVU study included "deep tasting," where participants spent time eating a raisin: They looked at it, smelled it, and took small bites to savor the taste. "It brings an awareness to the body that normally is always being rushed," said Williams, who emphasized the need to slow down.

"If you give all of your attention to something, you get deeply touched by that experience," she said. "We all know what it's like to eat our favorite food: We slow down, we savor it, we take our time. And that is what makes it so enjoyable."

Study participants were also taught to breathe by taking deep breaths through the nose, feeling the air fill their lungs and exhaling fully. Williams said that with a couple of those breaths, not only does "your blood pressure go down, and you stay calm," but you can better handle annoying colleagues or situations. "You often can bring out the best in people if you stay calm and loving."

Along with the breathing techniques, participants were also taught how to meditate -- even at their desks. They were told to find a comfortable time, free of distractions, and quiet their mind.

According to the study, even 10 minutes of meditation can help. "[Meditation] can take the anxiety out of a stressful workday," said Williams.

West Virginia University is not the first -- or only -- institution in the country that has tested the effects of mindfulness techniques on stress. UCLA completed a study a few years ago that found the same thing the WVU study found: Mindfulness exercises are excellent stress-busters.

Other researchers are looking at ways to mitigate the dangerous side effects of stress by using mindfulness exercises. Yale University is recruiting patients for a smoking cessation study that includes a mindfulness training component. The six-week program will focus on learning mindfulness techniques to deal with stressors and triggers that cause people to light up.

For Waugh, mindfulness training was a life-saver. Although she is no longer a full-time professor, she still practices mindfulness and attends yoga classes every week. She also has gone back to playing the cello, another mindfulness exercise that soothes her soul. She said these methods have helped her stay healthy and improve her outlook on life -- and those are "just the facts."

Health Library

• MayoClinic.com: Relaxation techniques
• MayoClinic.com: Meditation
• MayoClinic.com: Positive thinking