But if I think about it, I have been rushing this whole process. I keep expecting to feel better and then when I don't I am immediately put into a bad mood.
So my mantra yesterday was "You don't have to be all better today."
I really think this lesson is learning to love myself WITH my anxiety. I don't have to be all better in order to be worthy of love and respect from myself.
It is about a father that brings his son who has a demon inside him to Jesus to be healed.
Mark 9: 22-24 (bold and italics added)
22 And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have acompassion on us, and help us.
24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine aunbelief.
This story was another reminder to me that I need to have faith that things will get better. And that I need to pray for help with my doubts and frustration.
So my goal is to try to stay positive and patient even though things are really crappy. I don't want to fall into the victim trap where I revel in the sympathy that others may give me when they hear of my situation. I want to be strong even when I feel so weak. I don't just want to endure this, I want to "endure it well".
"8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
So this morning I woke up with panic. Not worst case panic but pretty severe. I had burning in my arms and breathing wasn't helping. So I told myself its ok if still need to take Clonazepam to help me through the day. So I took one and although it made me tired for awhile, I am now feeling much better.
I'll get to where I want to be someday, but it doesn't have to be today. I just have to remember that.