Monday, January 19, 2009
Gossip + Judgements = Broken Hearts
In one scenario the way I raise my child and my relationship with my husband came into question by a family member at a family gathering. My family still hasn't learned to be nice to one another. I am scared of confrontation and usually avoid it at all costs by trying my best to be a peace keeper, letting hurtful things roll off my back. However in this case I lost it and snapped big time. I went off on this person and things got awkward really fast. Needless to say I didn't handle it the best way I could have.
People talk. They talk badly about other people all the time because it makes them feel better about themselves. Unfortunately I even do it at times. But can you imagine how those people would feel if they found out about what was said about them? Today I found out what other people were saying about me and my family, and it cuts deep. People that have no clue about my life, my marriage, my family were saying things that were really hurtful. It makes me really angry. I know that no matter what you do there is always going to be somebody that hates you for something. But it still hurts.
I have to see these people tomorrow morning and spend all day with them and I am getting very anxious just thinking about it. Its so silly but its as if I'm in High School all over again. Do adults ever really act like grown ups or is it always a popularity contest? I wish people were more loving to each other. It seems that the worst is always easier to point out than the good.
No confrontations will be made this time. Its a special event that I don't want to ruin by bringing it up. But it makes me feel like the spotlight is that much bigger on me.
I am surprised that the main feeling I have felt has been anger, followed by sadness. My heart has really been broken this week and it literally feels very heavy.
So I am trying to sort through it all now and figure out how to deal and process all the feelings. Part of me wants to write these people out of my life forever. Another part of me wants to confront them with the situation as hard as that would be but I know that I am too sensitive and would lose a verbal battle and it would probably make the situation worse. Part of me just wants to up and move away so that I never have to deal with it. Running sounds like the easiest thing to do but I know that won't happen.
I feel like everything is just a big ol' mess and I have no idea how to clean it up. I know if I let it continue to eat at me then my fear of being judged gets more justification because look at how horrible it is when that happens! But how do you get over it and just not care?
I have decided to take a look at myself and stop the gossiping that I do of others and try to set an example for those around me. Hopefully I can stop whatever pain I may be causing anyone else. Somehow I need to learn to not care what these people think, no matter who they are or what they think.
Any one have any suggestions for me? I could really use some help right about now...