Today is my daughter's baby blessing. I have been nervous about today for a long time, and this morning my anxiety level is really high. I haven't felt this anxious in a really long time. I finally felt things slipping out from my control and so I am forcing myself to write things out to help calm me down. So many things could go wrong today, granted they are all little and not a big deal but I have this huge desire for everything to be perfect. I am hoping things are somewhat organized but forgive me if I babble. Things that are bothering me:
What if we are late to church in the first place?
What if she cries through the whole blessing?
What if she poops all over her pretty dress before we even make it in the doors?
What if she doesn't eat enough before hand and is hungry and won't stop crying?
What if its not perfect?
I thought these thing through thinking, what if all of the above happened, whats the big deal? Why am I so worried? And then it hit me. Deep down inside I am telling myself that if any of these things happen, I am a bad Mother. And then I realized a whole new role had opened up in my life for people to judge me and me to worry about.
As if to prove a point that things weren't going to go right, when I woke up yesterday my Little One had scratched all across her nose with her fingernails leaving a long, first-thing-you-see-when-you-look-at-her, scratch mark. Luckily I am familiar enough with Photoshop to be able to remove it from pictures, but it still seemed like the mark represented a failure. "If I was better at keeping her nails short, this wouldn't have happened." "If only I was a better mother," is what I was telling myself. How mean I am to myself. I know I am not a bad mother, but subconsciously I am thinking this over and over again. I want so badly for everyone to think I have everything under control. So I had to tell myself over and over again that I am a good mother. Replacing the negative thoughts with a positive one seemed to help calm me down a little.
So here goes. Taking deep breaths. We have to leave in about an hour and a half. I haven't even grazed on the fact that all of the family is coming over to our house for a BBQ afterward and the anxiety that I will most likely feel there. I will update this afterward to let you know if and how I handle any panic attacks.