Anxiety is Full of Ups and Downs

photo from my yesterday's adventure

Yesterday was an interesting day. I had to start the day driving around downtown Salt Lake City to find the Utah Board of Education building. I was going to install our software on one of their computers. Well, the address that was given me was wrong. Driving somewhere that I’ve never been to before I hate, but even worse is getting lost and being late to something important. I started to panic. I quickly called Tyler and explained the situation to him. Luckily his new job had him right around the corner and he was able to come and help me. I was able to get there only a little bit late. It was a stressful experience but I made it through just fine.

On my way back to the office I picked up some fast food. I tried to eat it at my desk but kept getting interrupted and soon it got cold. But I was full anyway so no big deal. Than a couple co workers and I decided to go take some photos of the fall colors in a nearby canyon. On the drive down there they decided to stop and get some food. This instantly made my heart start pounding and I felt the back of my neck get hot. They both knew I had already eaten so they weren’t expecting me to get anything. So why was I panicking? We stopped and I decided to wait outside and try to control my breathing. I was doing my deep breathing techniques but I didn’t have my Clonozapam with me which is a rarity and that too had me worried. I was trying to think about positive affirmations but it wasn’t helping. Everything that usually works, didn’t. So I made a very quick decision. I decided to go in to the restroom and just get it over with so that I could go on with my day. It all happened so quickly and so matter of fact that it was a little weird. But sure enough, I felt better afterwards.

Also this morning I woke up with morning anxiety again. Haven’t had that in awhile.

Here is why I think it happened:

With Tyler’s new job we haven’t had insurance for about a month. My Zoloft ran out and I have stopped taking it. Stupid, I know, but for some reason the consequences never seem to register to me, no matter how many times I have to learn the same lesson over and over again. So I think it is out of my system and things that wouldn’t bother me normally are now more sensitive.

I am learning that anxiety just like anything else is full of ups and downs and I can never get too comfy with the ups to not be prepared for a sudden down.

Tomorrow is Blog Against Abuse day for bloggers everywhere. I think I am going to talk about my stance on medication because I know it is a controversial subject.

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